feeling his presence, every second ♡︎

-4-

Okay Ben Affleck has officially become my guilty pleasure.

I was currently laying on the hotel bed with my robe on. I didn't feel like putting on a whole gala dress just to be in here. I heard my phone buzz but I ignored it, I just wanted to have this moment for life.

I didn't know if we would be staying here all night or if we were leaving. I was obviously careless about my relationship but I don't know if Ben was. Technically he was still married.

He went to get some food downstairs about 10 minutes ago, leaving my mind to wander. I really wanted to stay here all night. He came in while I was thinking about him.

"Hi baby." I call everyone baby but obviously it's different with him. He came over to me and his head on my torso. Silent. What was happening?

"Baby what's wrong?" Still silent. "Did I do something?" He shook his head no in response then finally spoke.

"I miss 2002." I've been super emotional lately so he can't say that to me without me crying.

I kissed his arm since I couldn't kiss him because he was on my torso. "I've always missed 2002." That was the honest and sad truth. I think we were both wishing in that moment that we could be together for the rest of our life. I completely forgot about his wife at the after party that night and we stayed there for 2 days straight. We went and bought clothes for those 2 days. I don't think his wife ever found out.

We ended up planning a secret trip to New York and the only person who knew about it was my mom. We both knew it was wrong because he was technically still married but this wrong thing felt so right. My mom was still excited about it because she always loved Ben. "Please be safe. Don't get yourself in any trouble." She hugged me tight. "Relax mami I'm not doing anything life threatening." That I knew of at least. Emme and Max have been with their dad these past 2 weeks, they're in Greece for 3 weeks. I get to see them this weekend and I'm so excited to see my babies.

I met Ben at the hotel. We couldn't travel together because of how many magazines we would be apart of, just like last time. I walked up to Room 265 and once I opened the door I was greeted by rose petals that lead to our bed. He walked up behind me and put both hands around my waist. I could feel the electricity kick in. I Laughed in response. I know, I have fallen really hard. This wasn't okay but it felt as if it wasn't even my choice.

"Hey lover." He said. "Hey, how was the flight?" He kissed my cheek and pulled me in closer to him which I thought was impossible because we were already touching but he made it possible. We spent the rest of the night talking, kissing and some other things. You can fill in that blank. That was for sure the best night of my life. It started all with one touch.

We woke up the next day extremely happy because of the previous night's events. But the following things that happened ruined it all. Ben was showering and I noticed his phone had rung and I went to go take it to him and I couldn't help but notice what it said.

J. Garner : I have given it some thought and I'm not signing these divorce papers. I refuse to have my kids grow up in a house where their parents are split up.

As I was reading this, I felt like throwing up. Just like that, he was taken from me. We would never exist. Just like that, I missed him again. I took him his phone, crying of course. He noticed me crying and quickly came out. "What happened?" I couldn't speak. I just showed him the message. He was shocked. I cried harder in his embrace. "I actually thought we would be together, Ben." This made him cry too. I could tell this took a toll on him too.

Just when I thought I could be with him for the rest of my life; this text came in that ruined it all. He was crying and I hated to see him cry. I walked out of the bathroom and into the room where I sat on the bed. I was angry and I was a mess. He walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later, looking numb. He hugged me and he put his face in between my shoulder and neck as he cried. He was the first man to ever see this vulnerable side of me. I didn't know it at the time but I was the first woman to see the vulnerale side of him also. "I know, baby. Let it all out."

We spent about 10 minutes just standing there, hugging sliently. The rest of that week flew by. We spent the rest of that week enjoying each others company as much as possible. We knew this would never happen again. When the last day of the trip came we looked a each other in pure pain and agony. "So this is it?"

"Sadly." He said as his voice cracked. I couldn't resist and I ran into his arms for the last time. "Promise that if you ever need me again, you'll call." I meant every word when I said that. "I'm sorry I couldn't be the one for you, Jen." It truly wasn't his fault but it still hurt. "It's okay." We kissed one last time then I got on that plane, Thinking I would never see him again. I had one thing crystal clear though; I will always wish Ben Affleck the best and only the best. The only hope of happiness I had now was seeing my kids today.

The plane ride was short but it felt so long. I tried to fall asleep and couldn't. I tried to read a book and I couldn't focus on a single word. I know it's a myth but I truly felt as if I ran out of tears to cry at that moment. I got home and I asked my mom to pick up Emme and Max and that I would tell her why later. I couldn't get myself to talk about it anymore today. And that is exactly what she did, no questions asked. The kids were asleep when they got to the house. I carried them up to my room and let them sleep there while I laid next to them for a few minutes.

Sometimes I hate how much my mind wanders. Thinking about Ben made me cry again. I got up and went to the bathroom so that I wouldn't wake them up but Emme already was awake. I tried to wipe away my tears but Emme had already noticed by that time. "Hi mama, Why are you sad?" I think I'm gonna tell her. This could be a learning lesson to her. "Your mom fell in love, Emme."

"Like the Queens and the Kings?" I nodded. "Yeah, something like that."

"I hope I never fall in love if it hurts this much."

"No, be excited for when you fall in love. Especially if you find a Ben Affleck."