Growing on me Sirius x OC

7) a crush?

[a/n: so her mom's lines are italic]

"That was my mother, although she isn't here today, she would have liked for me to introduce you to her as your grandmama."

'Grandmama was a Gryffindor? But you told me we came from a line of Slytherins? Is that why everyone was so divided over sending me to Hogwarts? I thought the last three generations were fre-'

Hush, child. I shall answer it all later. for once, be quiet and listen to me.

I soundlessly nodded

Your grandmama was indeed a Griffindor, the only one in our family. Until you. You're her spitting image, you know.

She let out a watery chuckle. I wondered where this was going but slowly relaxed and leaned on the wall.

Yes, your grandmama was a rebel. She fell in love with a mud- muggleborn from school and had me after she graduated. I don't remember much of her because she was killed, no murdered.

I don't remember letting out a shocked gasp but I must have because she looked at me again. She had the same look in her eyes but this time I understood it. It was an imploring gaze, a gaze that she must have looked at the painting with. A gaze that begged me not to make the same mistake, to not let history repeat itself with cruel conviction. Begged me not to leave like Grandmama.

History would repeat, except my bloodline would end with me. It was a fact that I knew, many years from then looking back at that day. But at the moment I was foolishly confident. I would live to a ripe old age I was sure. I would get married to a man of my choice and have a brood of children. There was no way I would be murdered young, I had so much left to do, a life left to live. So at that moment, I sympathized, I felt my mother's pain but I didn't take the warning she meant to impart seriously. I wonder what would have become of my life if I had.

As a child, I did not think such morbid thoughts. I simply wanted to know what happened to my grandmama. Something that brought tears to my usually unshakable mother. I never got an answer.

All my mother said was," Don't go down the same path, I implore you, you will be killed by someone from high society just like her. You have a life ahead of you where you can be perfectly content without a reckless life like hers. You don't need to walk the same path. I ask this of you because I don't want my only daughter to meet the same demise as my mother."

I must have had a blank look in my eyes because she sighed after looking at me. She must have known of my fate, otherwise, she wouldn't have such a dark look in her eyes. Like she knew nothing she could say would change my little eleven-year-old resolve. She looked like she had given up on making changes and she looked unsettled.

Like she yearned for a peace that she was sure she would never receive.

That was a feeling I hoped I would never feel.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

The winter break passed by quickly and my mother, who had told my dad I had been sufficiently punished had gone back to normal. Pretending I didn't exist. It was bitter, having a taste of the other side, a life with a mother who cared about me, and suddenly having normalcy restored. Well, I didn't have much time to ponder it, before I knew it I was back on the station, waving goodbye to my mother and climbing into a familiar compartment.

I sat down and pushed my bag under the seat. I looked out the window. I was met with the sight of parents waving goodbye tearfully and kids assuring them that they would be fine while climbing onto the train. I wondered what it would feel like, having parents who would be sad to see you go. Lost in thought I didn't notice a black-haired boy enter the compartment. He cleared his throat awkwardly and I turned around with a start.

I got up with a jerk and brushed some invisible dust off of my sweater. It took me a few seconds to get myself together enough to look at him. When we finally met each other's eyes I felt a sick feeling in my stomach. He looked unwell. It didn't take a genius to know that something was off. But more than his undernourished frame I looked him in the eyes and what I saw was oddly comforting. He looked just as shaken up as me. We both looked at each other and felt the same spark of understanding we had felt during the sorting.

" Are you okay?"

Looking shocked that I had commented he replied in the affirmative.

"Really?"

'Yeah, nothing happened Shafiq, don't worry about me', he said with a smile that wasn't quite the easy grin that I had on occasion admired but something close to mimicking it. Maybe if I didn't see how close the thin thread he was holding on to was to snapping, I would have believed him too.

instead, I did something that surprised both of us.

I hugged him.

He was stiff for a second before melting into the embrace. He rested his head on my shoulder and I pretended not to feel the warm tear that fell on my neck. In a way, both of us needed that hug. We both yearned for a human touch of love. A feeling of comfort.

I enjoyed it a lot more than I would like to admit. Just as I was beginning to feel like I should pull away lest I appear too eager we both stiffened.

The sound of Lily and Potter arguing.

And it was getting closer.

shit.

We jerked away from each other as fast as we could and pretended to be very interested in the fraying seam of the seat while we inched as far away from each other as we could.

The boy I saw every day was back, he hissed to me in what could only be interpreted as desperation,

'This never happened, you can't tell anyone of this'

And I felt a very cold feeling take over my heart. What I felt when my mother sent me away to talk to her friends even though all the other mothers were showing off their children.

 I felt inadequate.

Later, I would realize that it was the attempt of a first year to not lose face in front of his best friend, it had nothing to do with me. But at the time all I felt was anger. Anger that people were always ashamed of me.

It deepened the moment Potter came in and looked at the two of us in what can only be called confusion. He said with the innocence of a boy who hadn't learned the female heart's tendency to break at the most careless of words.

'wait what? I thought you hated her?'

While Potter looked at Sirius with a demand for answers, Lily looked at me and tried to make sense of the anger in my eyes. Understanding dawned and she walked to me and helped me with my trunk while we exited the compartment.

" Wait up! Lilykins! I'll come too!"

She smiled at him which caused him to stop in his tracks stunned and she lead me to the compartment where the girls were. I wasn't angry in the slightest anymore. Instead, I berated myself for ever liking him and vowed to get over this stupid crush.

"What happened?", asked Hestia.

"Jas has a crush on Sirius Black," said Lily, sounding like someone who had just discovered the gossip of the year

I looked at her with horror " How the hell do you know?!"

She said delightedly, "So it is true!"

The girls crowded around me with the same look of disbelief in their eyes.

I was quick to dispute and I quickly started talking about how it wasn't much of a crush because I had resolved to get over it.

They didn't look like they heard me because Marlene started calculating our compatibility with our names. Mary and Hestia were singing love songs and Lily was laughing her head off. Severus was retching in disgust. I fell quiet and looked around. I felt like this was something past friendship. It was sisterhood. Snape included.

I giggled and decided to break the news to them later. For now, I was satisfied with laughing along.

I was happy.

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