MERLIN / MERTHUR ONESHOTS

Letter

AN- TW, mentions of suicidal ideology, self harm, disordered eating behaviour and death..

so yk the usual for this account.
sorry for any typos boys, im tired as fuck rn and will fix when i catch them.
enjoy
———————————————————————————
Arthur,
for days now you have been by my side, a comforting hand on my shoulder and with even more comforting words escaping from your lips..
"I'm here for you Merlin."

I don't think you'll ever be able to understand just how much those words mean to me. Not once have those words been uttered in regards to me, not by my mother, by my best friend, by my mentor- yet here you are Arthur, my King, disrupting your time in order to reassure me.

I admire you. I think you know that though, i believe everyone does- i must admit that it's painfully obvious. You are a beautiful person Arthur Pendragon, inside and out. I am so so proud of you. You're a good King, Camelot is beyond lucky to have such royalty as you sitting upon their throne. You care, you well and truly care- that is one of your greatest qualities my lord ; the way you see your people, the way you see your kingdom, the way you see me. However it's also my greatest hindrance.

It's scary to be so uncontrollably vulnerable, to feel completely and utterly naked when within your eye shot. No matter how hard i try to hide it, no matter how small the problem may be, you always always know. I don't even understand how you do it, especially when you're such a massive dollophead.

I know you know.

I know you know just how not Merlin i've been.
You've been asking, in that sweet velvety voice that makes me melt, makes me swoon. You've been asking as you stare deep into my soul. You've been asking and you've been asking but yet to no avail you receive no answer. You ask again and again despite knowing that i will lie to you once more .

I'll smile and say i'm fine.

But i'm not, and you know that.

I wonder if you know just how not fine i am.
Sometimes i wonder if i know that myself.

I'm sad Arthur.
I'm really fucking sad, all of the goddamn time.

It's a strange sensation you know?
This sadness it isn't like the usual sort, it's deep and it's harrowing..it's sort of just constantly there, gnawing away at my bones like diseased rats, draining the colour from my skin. It's heavy Arthur, it's so so heavy- and i'm so tired all of the time. This never ending, sempiternal feeling nags on and on in my brain and even though i know that i'm so deeply sad, i just feel numb.

Arthur i hope to God that you are never cursed enough to feel this way, i pray that you never understand but numbness still has a weight to it and partially it can be comforting but i fear im beginning to feel empty.

Emptiness is so much worse.
It makes me wonder if i can really feel at all, if i ever have felt at all.
When was the last time i truly smiled?
When was the last time i felt alive?

I'm slipping sire.
I'm slipping down a fucking ravine and i'm slipping rapidly.
Each day, each minute, each goddamn second i can feel myself slipping.
I'm slipping away from reality, from life, from living.
I'm just fading away and away and within a week, a month, a year, i'll be nothing but a shadow, nothing but a whisper in a storm.
The darkness is so overwhelming, it's swarms over me like fog on a winters day; it rolls in and in and in and it's suffocating me and i can't fucking breathe and it never lets up. It's so devastatingly relentless. I've forgotten what air tastes like, i've forgotten how the summers breeze feels as it brushes through my hair.
All i can remember is winters touch, it's bony, harsh fingers and the icey nails that claw their way up my tainted skin.