MERLIN / MERTHUR ONESHOTS

Ceiling

possible tw depression

Arthur hadn't slept that night.
He had just lay there, staring at ceiling,thinking.

He thought about nothing in particular, every thought he had he couldn't properly place. Still he just lay there, unmoving until sunrise.

This hadn't been the first time this had happened but usually it would only last until the early hours of the morning, perhaps 2 or 3 am. Then his body would feel weightless and his mind shut up, finally allowing him to sink into his mattress, curl into the warmth of his duvet and sleep a peaceful sleep.

He barely registered Merlin walking in, he heard the  door creak open and the soft sound of Merlin's feet hitting the floor as he moved- However it felt so distant that he couldn't exactly tell if it had really happened or not. He didn't bother turning his head to see, he just kept staring at and analysing the pattern of the ceiling. He didn't find it particularly interesting but his thoughts had now ran dry and now he had nothing to overthink and worry about.

"Rise and shine!"
The volume of Merlin's voice hurt Arthur's ears but he made no effort to cover them in attempt to further drown it out. The pure cheer and happiness radiating from Merlin only made him sink deeper into the mattress, though it were beginning to feel like stone.

Usually this would wake Arthur up, get him ready for the day but of course, you can't wake up if you didn't sleep. Merlin recognised the dark bags under Arthur's eyes and he recognised the emptiness that smothered his eyes. He assumed that Arthur hadn't slept or that perhaps he had nightmares the previous night, he didn't want to think too much in to it but inevitably he would.

"Come on Arthur time to get up."
Merlin said hopefully, attempting to get some energy or any kind of reaction from Arthur. Arthur slowly turned his head and made eye contact with Merlin, holding it until Merlin looked away feeling intimidated by the harshness of the stares.

In this time Arthur had turned back around with a deep sigh and continued to search the ceiling, now counting each bump it held. His hands gently stroked at the material beside him, desperate for a touch of comfort. Such a simple action drained him massively and he only began to feel worse off about himself.

He felt tears begin to prick his eyes but no matter how hard he tried, they wouldn't fall leaving him feeling frustrated for a mere second; however that frustration soon fell back into a heavy and overwhelming numbness.

Usually when Arthur refuses to get out of his bed or when he decided to completely ignore Merlin's existence, Merlin would grab him by the arm and yank him out in life. Today however, he couldn't bring himself to do it - the thought barely even crossed his mind.

He instead walked over closer to Arthur's bed, inspecting the body that lay there. Arthur's breathing so light that it may as well be none, his hair matted and slightly greasy, his blue eyes now grey and cloudy (mirroring the sky during a storm).

Merlin placed himself on the small slither of bed that rested beside Arthur, making sure he wasn't intruding too much. He could've sworn he saw Arthur smile with relief but within a blink it was gone.

"Bad night eh?"
Arthur didn't reply but Merlin got the gist anyway. Merlin hesitantly reached his hand out and brushed it against Arthur's, he waited for Arthur to do what he pleased with it . He wouldn't be offended if Arthur didn't take it - he didn't expect him too- he just wanted to offer it as he knew Arthur would never ask for such care.

Arthur gently brought his gaze down to Merlin's hand upon feeling the contact, the warmth it brought made him begging for more. He turned his hand so that it fitted with Merlin's, he gently latched his fingers, interlocking them with Merlin's. Arthur felt a small squeeze on his hand and he returned it as a silent thanks.

"You didn't have much to do today Arthur, i can cancel it for you. How about that?"
Arthur gathered as much energy as he could so that he was able to nod ever so slightly at Merlin, his chest deflating in relief as an unknown stress floated off of his shoulders.

Merlin's hand travelled up towards Arthur's hair and he raked his fingers through it. Every now and then his fingers would get caught on a knot but he eased it out gently. Arthur had closed his eyes, relaxing into physical contact that Merlin was providing, he hadn't felt that in forever. Merlin was the only one to gift Arthur with such deep comfort and connection.

Merlin's hand slid out of Arthur's hair and onto his cheek, brushing his thumb over it. Arthur whimpered at the action, beginning to feel the smallest of cracks in the emptiness.

"You need to eat Arthur, even if it's just the tiniest bits. You don't even need to do much, i'll feed it to you and you can just chew."

Arthur almost went to refuse it, truly not feeling like consuming anything, but guilt began to rack him. He attempted to sit up, Merlin guided him as he did.

Merlin stood to the table where he left Arthur's food and rehomed it upon the cabinet beside the bed. Arthur looked at it, beginning to feel a little nauseous but he pushed that feeling down.

Merlin held out the smallest bits of bacon and gestured for Arthur to open his mouth a little. Arthur obliged and chewed it, a grim expression on his face as he did so. Merlin however, wore a smile that just screamed 'i'm so bloody proud of you.' , it almost felt like pity.
Merlin carried on doing this, feeding little bits until Arthur pushed it away, beginning to feel sick again.

"Do you want to talk about it?"
Arthur didn't reply.
"Do you want me to stay?"
Arthur didn't reply once again.

Arthur carried on staring at the ceiling, sometimes changing the ceiling to Merlin's face. He thought Merlin was much more beautiful than the ceiling and just being in his presence automatically made him feel safer and the tiniest bit less empty.

Merlin stood up, it was only to go get some water but Arthur didn't know that so he panicked.
"Merlin stay please."
His voice was quiet and struggled from not being used much but Merlin heard him loud a clear. He rushed back over to the bed however now he got up beside Arthur, still staying above the covers out of respect.

"In."
Merlin studied Arthur's face, making sure that's what he wanted. He didn't want to push any boundaries, or take advantage of him in any way when he was vulnerable. Once determined that it was okay he slipped in beside Arthur, still keeping a small distance between them.

Arthur didn't like that distance between them, he still felt alone. He rolled towards Merlin, which exhausted him greatly, he rested his head upon Merlin's chest and draped his arms lazily across the thin frame of Merlin's body. Merlin hesitantly returned the loose hug, once again his hands finding themselves within Arthur's hair.

Merlin could feel Arthur begin to shake against him and he whimpered but was confused when he felt not wetness from tears. He glanced at Arthur's face to seem him struggling, fighting an inner war.

"It's okay Arthur, you can let it out"

And he did.

The ceiling could wait for another day, however with Merlin he wasn't sure he'd really need it anyway.

The numbness and overwhelming heaviness was beginning to lift and he finally drifted off into a peaceful sleep with Merlin's arms.