MERLIN / MERTHUR ONESHOTS

Hemlock

TW: Suicide n sh

Merlin sat there in Arthur's room staring at his hands which rested upon the table. He didn't know why he went there, perhaps he thought that Arthur may provide him some comfort or even talk him out of that but he knew that Arthur was training. So Merlin sat alone with his thoughts.

He knew he shouldn't be in here, he shouldn't be sitting in a chair at the table thinking. He should be cleaning or doing something useful with his life. Merlin thought that he should move, if he carried through with this he didn't want Arthur to be the first one to find him, he didn't want anyone to but he'd thought it be better if it were some random guard and not someone he loved dearly.

He glanced at the bottle sitting beside him, picking it up and inspecting the liquid inside; he watched it move around the bottle, splashing at the sides. He rubbed his thumb over the words, he hoped that Gaius hadn't noticed his missing bottle...that would be unfortunate.

Merlin decided to spare the time, he wanted to do something and not nothing. He thought Arthur deserved a letter, Gaius and his mother too, perhaps even the knights- he didn't know who'd actually want one. He gathered the parchment from Arthur's cabinet, praying he would not miss it, along with the ink and quill.

Dear Arthur,
these have been the best years of my life and i wished to thank you for that. I have known no man better than yourself and you are the best king this land has ever seen...i am proud to be your servant.

you have made me so incredibly happy and i am so thankful to the Gods that i talked back to you that first day because if i hadn't then our adventure would never have began. i can not imagine a life where we weren't like,
well..us.

i want you to know that this isn't your fault, you've only ever done the best for me, for everyone. i can not help how i feel and i don't know how to talk to anyone about this, not Gaius and not you..it doesn't mean i ain't come close though, think back and you'll know what i mean.

i can't go on like this any longer, i'm barely clinging on. My only regret will be leaving you behind. You are my best friend, my lifeline and dare i say soulmate..however don't let that get to your fat head you clotpole.

i love you Arthur, so incredibly much. please look after Gaius when i've gone and i can only ask that you visit my mother, she loved you dearly and i think she may need someone when she receives her letter too, or perhaps you will need her.

and don't be too hard on George, it's not his fault and when you get to know him he's actually rather witty. give him a chance, he'd be a better servant than me anyway.

Keep on being amazing, keep on being a brilliant king, keep on babysitting the knights and keep on fighting. no man is worth your tears, you said that to me Arthur...stick to it, as i am certainly not worth yours.

i told you that i'd serve you till the day i die, today's that day Arthur. I guess i'm finally getting that day off.

goodbye prat
xx

He noticed the bottom of the paper had a single tear drop stained into it, not smudging any of the words. He sniffed, wiping his nose and eyes on the sleeve of his jacket and continued to write the next.

Dear Gaius,
thank you for being my mentor, my uncle, well more like my father and my friend.

you have given me the opportunity of a life time, you made me feel loved and safe, you gave me an anchor.

i hope i wasn't too bad over the years, i know that i'm a little...me...but i pray that it was only the highest experience.

do not blame yourself. just because you're the physician it doesn't mean you have to save everyone, it also doesn't mean that you had to know i was sick, it also doesn't mean that it's your fault i'm here now. i would've  found some way to do this and a potion seemed the most peaceful so thank you.

look after Arthur, gods know he needs it. look after Gwen too, make sure she's protected. Make sure Gwaine doesn't fully relapse back into alcoholism and do for them what you did for me. my room can be converted, i know you need the space or perhaps take in another child, one who needs a home..they will be dead lucky to have you.
thank you and goodbye.
-merlin
x

He sealed this letter in an envelope too, signing it off and moving it with the other one.

Dear mother,
i love you so incredibly much, you deserve nothing but the best, i am sorry, so sorry, that it has come to this.

i had the best childhood, i lived in the perfect village, in a house full of love with the best mother and my best friend. i wish i never left but still camelot has made me so incredibly happy and i'm glad you gave me that experience by letting me go.

i am so sorry that i didn't come say goodbye in person, i was worried that you'd see the state i was in and try talk me out of it. i know it's selfish but i didn't want to watch your heart break. hey, at least i'll be with Will now.

this is not your fault, it is mine and mine alone.
you made me feel safe and you made me feel normal.

i love you mother, i love you i truly do,
arthur will come see you soon, don't blame him he will be broken too and it's not his fault...he made me happy.

goodbye for the last time mother,
from Merlin,
i'm still sorry
xox

He pressed a kiss into the letter, enveloping it with care and love.

He knew Arthur would be back soon, he didn't have time for the knights. He was sure that they'd understand anyway, they're like that. He felt terrible for leaving all them behind, his family but he felt it to be the only way. He was scared but he was sure, he had suffered for long enough.

He straightened his clothes, fixing his neckerchief before unplugging the bottle. Hemlock. It should kill him quickly.
He opened his mouth and downed it, licking his lips of the residue.

He immediately began to feel drowsy, his head was foggy but still felt clear. For the first time in forever he felt free and light, he knew he'd made the right choice. He lost control of his limbs and he slumped forward onto Arthur's table, hitting it with a bang.

A lone tear rolled down his face and a content smile rested upon him. His body was becoming a sickening pale colour  and a thin sweat coated him but he felt calm and at peace. His breathing finally stopped and his heart let up...He was gone.

*************
THAT WAS ONLY PART ONE, PART TWO SOON (IN LIKE A WHOLE TEN MINUTES OR SO...PROBABLY IDK)