MERLIN / MERTHUR ONESHOTS

Grief

TW! DEATH N SH

Merlin didn't awake in the morning as the sun flooded in his room , he didn't awake as he hadn't slept in the first place. Just as he hadn't for the past 4 days, he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He thought that the golden glow of the sun was too happy , how dare it be so happy in such a dark time . It should be raining , it should be storming.

He looked at himself in the mirror. He was pale , he was thin , he looked almost like death itself. He smiled at this , a sick and twisted smile. He deserved this , he thought , now i can be like them. His hair was matted and eyes red , an obvious indication of his restless nights .

He opened the door of his room , met with the chambers of his mentor. Potions and books littered the room.
"Gaius?"
He asked , his voice hoarse after days of not using it.
"Yes my boy?" He sounded solemn , almost ...lost . But who could blame him , he lost boys, of which he thought of like his own.

Upon seeing Merlin's figure he gasped , the book that were resting in his hands now lay still on the table beneath him. He saw a walking corpse.
"Merlin , my boy when was the last time you have eaten , slept?"
Merlin chuckled darkly at that.
"Sleep Gaius , one haunted by his memories doesn't sleep. Food ? It repulses me , i refuse to go near it. Not that i deserve it anyway , i deserve nothing but pain."
He whispered the last part to himself, falling just short of Gaius' ears.

"Let me make a potion for you Merlin , i'm sure there's something that can help ease your suffering."
Merlin looked thoughtful at that , "Why yes Gaius, i can think of one thing. Now if you will excuse me , i have places to be." With that he left the physicians chambers , his limbs shaking profusely.

Merlin made his way down the hallways , not making an effort to wind his way through the river of people as he once did. He found the dim stone inviting , dried blood could still be made out from previous battles ; battles that refused to pass.

Many people stopped him , a hand upon his shoulder - an unspoken way of asking if he were okay. He didn't smile , he didn't have the energy; He simply just stared blankly at them, before shrugging away from their touch , proceeding to carry on his journey.

People were worried about him , even those who he'd never spoke to before . It was clear he wasn't coping with the recent events , it was evident that it were taking a huge toll on him. They wanted to help , wanted to say it was okay , They couldn't. How could they when they didn't know how and how could they if they didn't know what was awaiting.

He knocked into Percival , not stopping to apologise. Percy looked down at his friend concerned , sure he himself had lost people - but Merlin had lost more . Percival restrained Merlin , he was too strong for Merlin to compete with . He just stood there , an eery silence fell over them ; you could hear his breathing , which was struggled and laboured, Percy's heart beat in his ears. He felt lost , he didn't know what to do . Guilt washed over him , Merlin was his friend, his brother but still he was left unsure of what actions he should take. After a minute or so he let Merlin go , still not a word had been uttered between the two, Merlin just simply carried on forward.

"Merlin , Merlin wait."
But he didn't falter , not even for a second. He just carried on walking , his face blank and mind cloudy , his limbs getting weaker by the second as the fatigue overcame him.

He passed a boy eating an apple , he resisted the urge to whack it out of his hands. He shouldn't be eating an apple , he thought , Gwaine can never eat an apple again, so why can he? Before he could allow himself to ponder on the thought , the boy moved away out of sight .

He walked to Arthur's chambers, hand rested on the door handle . He wanted to go in , he wanted to go in so bad. But he couldn't bring himself to turn the handle. He stood there for what seemed like millennia, just staring at the handle ; the handle which called out to him so obnoxiously.