The Darkness Of Healing // Ruel // English

Chapter 26

I won't be able to believe it until I see it with my own eyes. My ears are fooling me. He is awake. Those are the words they've always wanted to hear, and yet they don't want to believe it. Somehow he had already died. Although it may have been in the deepest part of my body where the light hadn't shined for some time.

I don't even have time to think about what my reaction is exactly. How am I going to react to it at all. Before I know it I get back into the car with Ralph. I am no longer grounded on this earth. The clouds I float towards to make my brain misty. The wet drops press against the inside of my eye sockets, looking for a place to escape. To give room for clear thinking, but I don't give them a chance. I rather get anxious. Afraid of how I'm going to find him. Then an almost lifeless body was still reassuring. There was a calm, though all the while he felt like chaos. The bustle wanted to penetrate his skin, but he had no chance of expression. He looked calm. Even his heart had a regular pace. However, I knew better. Normally it was lower. I've listened to that long enough to make that comparison. The peace in his body always created a balance with mine.

The realization will not come for a long time. I don't think it has fully landed in Ralph yet either. He did pack Ruel's suitcase, with things he needs because he will probably have to stay longer for research, but for such a long time not to have your son around you alive and then suddenly hear his eyes opened still feels crazy. There is no time limit. No beginning and no end. You can prepare yourself for someone to wake up quickly, but it can take years with terrible consequences. Another thing I'm afraid of. His condition. What is he still capable of? How much damage did he ultimately sustain as a result of the accident? I can say with certainty that no one can draw a conclusion from that. Not even the doctors who were on the phone with the family this morning. All this time they kept quiet towards me. If I had come home later, I don't know if I would have found out quickly. Perhaps I was lucky enough to have found Ralph, although I soon knew that no one was home and I had gone after him myself anyway. With Ruel's goofy face, I could have just been surprised with a picture of him in the hospital. Like it was the most normal thing in the world. That would be the point where I would burst into tears.

I feel my heart beating harder and harder in my chest. I can feel the blood flowing faster through my arteries. Only my own breathing and heartbeat can be distinguished from each other, the rest of the sounds around me don't even get the chance to enter me as a stimulus. I notice my hand clamps around the metal bar in the elevator. If there had been a mirror here I would have looked at myself and told myself to act normal. That I don't have to act like that. Ruel just woke up. It should not cause such a reaction. I should be jumping around of joy. On the other hand, I seem to be breaking out in a sweat. My nerves are even higher than the first times I went to visit him here. There should be relief now. The time we had to wait for him has now given us a reward. A reward I don't dare to accept, not knowing what it exactly entails.

Amira, the nurse who has seen me here often enough, gives me a big smile. She comes out from behind the counter and follows me and Ralph into the white hallway. It smells like cleaning agent, disinfection. The door to the room is already open. Instead of it having to be inviting, it turns its purpose around. It makes me slow down because I don't have time to prepare for anything. Yet I feel that connection in my heart growing stronger. It is drawn towards the room where the other side of the strong energy is.

I would love to hide my trembling hands, I did not want to see the world spinning around me for a moment. I still need my balance.

Why does this hallway seem so much longer than usual? It feels almost infinite. That with every step we make we aren't moving forward at all and the door remains at exactly the same distance.

Ralph lets me enter the room first, but follows closely. My breathing gets stuck somewhere in the back of my lungs as I step over the threshold, yet I don't mind.