The Darkness Of Healing // Ruel // English

Chapter 81

(Yasmine's POV)

Ruel flipped my switch. Only leaving me with rage and cold-heartedness that burries every memory I have had in my entire live. It claims the revenge that has been sizzling under my skin, setting it on complete fire. I don't even want any more time to mourn. I've had those hours in the hotel room.  It's time to put that little girl back on her own feet before I kill her with my own bare hands.

It hurts you know. And I think that flipped that switch where I was like, okay, fuck you, look at me. He can't stop me anymore.

I had absolutely no fear of calling Nola after landing after a flight of about 21 hours to ask if she could pick me up and drive us back home. The thought of staying at Ruel's house only flew around in my head for a few seconds, until it was fought with the thought of going to my sister and mother. They need me more than the Van Dijk family needs me. And I'm not afraid of Nola and Christy. They can fear me if they do attack. Not that I think so, because I'm the last one to cry about my father now.

But there's one thing that puts a knife in my stomach. The fact that my father asked about me a while ago because he wanted to talk to me. I called it off. Constantly. I'll probably never know what he wanted to say to me again. Maybe I don't want that anymore. The words can be buried with sand.

My mom was an absolute mess when I got home. Mascara smeared around her eyes, snot running from her nose to her lips and a box of tissues on the kitchen table that she clearly hadn't touched. And deep down I really wondered where all that sadness came from. How she could shed all those tears for a man she could be better off with. At least the pain she carried behind her eyes when he was here in the house was gone while he was in jail. It was the shock that brought tears to my eyes in Chicago, but I can't imagine crying over him even more.

Even though my mom never really did this for me, I sat down with her and tried to calm her down. Because I had turned into someone I would want to leave in this world instead of scooping from the face of the earth because she hurt more than did any good. That is sometimes still to doubt, but it has its reasons.

Nola also tried to keep herself stronger than she actually was. I saw that. Her boyfriend Daniel saw that, who had also come when he heard the news. I patted the seat next to me to ask to sit next to me and then suddenly I was surrounded by my biological family. The one that doesn't feel like my real family anymore.

I have to be honest, it was a comforting thought to have Daniel in the house too. I trust him more than anyone else here. He may have seen some of my outbursts, he knows the bare minimum of my past, but he was also my safe wall. Because if he was here, not so much could happen to me. My parents wouldn't embarrass themselves as much as they had restrained themselves when the Van Dijks came over for dinner one time. But I'd rather forget that day.

It felt strange sleeping in my old bed. The room so empty and impersonal. And I missed a stuffed animal to hold, because something about this room makes me paranoid. It only felt wrong to bring the seal with me. I didn't really need that much support.

I had nothing and no one to hold safely, so I spent all this time trying to keep myself awake so as not to have a nightmare. I eventually failed at that, of course, I was completely worn out. I don't think that will ever change. That someday I'll sleep peacefully when I'm on my own.

My head just played back the story Ruel had told me, all his hurtful words censored. He was angry, but has no evil soul. He didn't mean it. Not that way. The story didn't do much to me in the hotel room, nor here. It's just the words that haunt me, but physically there's no response whatsoever. I took them in as numbly as I study them now. Time after time. And yet I don't understand. Why not kill first and then use me if Austin tried to anyway after that. As furious as I can be with them, I'm glad I wasn't really there. That I can't make that physical and mental connection right now. I am now only a spectator of my own story, not a protagonist.

Funnily enough, the morning here in the house was not very different from what I was used to when my father was not present. It was just so lonely and I was actually at peace with that at the moment. I didn't really feel the need to talk about myself to people anyway, let alone someone I don't really care about. It's so bad that I turned off my phone for the entire flight just to be by myself. When I did turn it on to call Nola and I saw all the messages from Ruel coming in, I muted the chat without reading them, so they wouldn't flow in as notifications anymore. And now that I'm at the kitchen table planning the funeral I still haven't read them. All one hundred and four, not read.

Daniel doesn't have to help, but then sits with us at the kitchen table to sort out things for the funeral. He says that if it becomes a bit easier for us, he will be happy to help. And I guess we can't thank him enough for that because I really don't have a clue what I'm doing right now. It's not the first funeral we've had to plan as a family, but luckily I wasn't involved in my brother's.

No one knows the time of death. Austin was found dead in his bed early morning when the morning shift got no response from him. They said he seemed perfectly fine the night before, but he had no heartbeat when they saw him back. It is suspected that he saved up the pills that he should have swallowed and therefore managed to take his own life. I could have told them that my father was smart enough to fool them into thinking he swallowed them, even when he had to get his mouth checked. I don't know which I would have liked better, that Austin had died because he wanted to or because an illness had got hold of him. Luckily I don't have to see him anymore. I don't like to see him back in hell, but we'll be even there.

I promised to drop by Lucas's office a few times in the coming week before the actual funeral. It's a matter of keeping my head busy, then nothing is wrong. Besides, I'm very happy to go there myself, as long as we get something done and I can serve that plan of revenge and justice. But not before Lucas put additional evidence on the table, which he will go after today. That can either be very difficult or happen with ease, since the whole playing field has been turned upside down by the death of my father. Especially now that the field is the other way around, it's easy to fish for secrets.

I didn't like my dad so much that I have no idea what he wants for his funeral. How he wants us to dress it up, who to invite. I can't even think of what kind of music he would like. I can only remember those old songs from years ago that occasionally screamed a little too loudly through the house when he was singing along with a glass of alcohol in his hand. Actually, I'm not needed here at all, because I don't know that man anyway. I only know the enemy version in my head and I throw it into the ground with all my love without ceremony.

Austin may have created a soldier, but now I fight not only for the fatherland, but also for world peace. So I also throw a rose on his grave. And with my respect I say goodbye.

Heartless or not, I'm still experience heartache. That was a condition that I could never get rid of no matter how hard he treated me, because it was human.

Unfortunately, this feels like one of the most family-like moments I've experienced with them in ages. The four of us around the kitchen table, discussing things like we're playing an escape room and agreeing on what's going to happen and how we're going to do it. I keep a whole spreadsheet of names that we send a card and invites as if it were all possible solutions to get out of here as soon as possible. I haven't seen most of them in years.

The rare moments like these make the realization of everything I didn't have bigger and bigger. There was always that pain in my chest when I was at Ruel's house and saw how incredibly different things could be. That they ended with "I love you" on many of their phonecalls with each other, that the atmosphere in the house was not heavy when several were in the same room and that they were there for each other no matter what. I enjoyed watching it, cherishing that very thing for them, but it was smiling through the pain. I'm glad I could still experience those moments with my new found family.