The Darkness Of Healing // Ruel // English

Chapter 13

I was finally able to sleep well again. It's different how it works. I don't even know how it works. I can sleep better, even though that Ruel can't do anything. He does the bare minimum, but his energy around him is never gone. He still reaches out to me. Takes my energy into his and connects it. Makes it impossible to even want to leave him. Being able to leave is something else, that is possible. But again and again I want to go back because it feels like I'm missing something. Missing something that has been clinging on all the time. It seemed like a part of me. And somehow it is. He is a part of me. If you could open the door of my heart to come in, you would have seen him sitting there. Perhaps he would have welcomed you.

The shower here is cold. Not necessarily the water, that's body temperature, but it's the air around me that doesn't warm me up. It's cold and seems to blow against me. As if it goes through the water droplets and makes the droplets ten degrees colder. It feels like a shower on an autumn day where the whole day has already looked gray and the boiler just won't heat up the water. As if it made as much sense in this day as I do.

I don't dare to look at myself. To be honest, I can't even think of the last time I properly looked at myself in the mirror. Somehow I'm afraid to see someone I don't recognize anymore. Someone who has changed so much is because she has neglected herself. Somehow I fear the hatred I have created for myself. Afraid of having to read the entire essay in my own eyes. I don't want to hurt her, so I avert my eyes again. But I can hear her screaming. Weak.

I kiss Ruel's forehead as my hand runs down his arm and I say goodbye before I leave for school. I don't even have anything with me. Maybe there's another pen in my locker. Otherwise bad luck. Then I have to hope that someone has properly prepared themselves.

I stop in front of the doorway and turn back one last time.

Yasmine: "Stay strong Van Dijk."

I blow a kiss his way. Hoping it's strong enough to fly that way to him.

Yasmine: "Put it in your pocket." I say with a small smile. I tap the door frame with my ring before walking away. And only then did I realize it was the ring he gave me.

These days pass like a wage haze. As if I myself have become a ghost. I myself have lost my way in this immense world. I keep losing the goals of my days. It slips out of my hands so I'm wasting time looking for it. But I'm supposed to focus on one thing right now and that's school and I'm failing at that. I have to be honest, I have no idea what I just wrote down. And I don't know if it's like I literally didn't know what it was about or if my head just wasn't there and was filling in the answers on autopilot somewhere in the background. I hope for the second one, because with the first option it is guaranteed to be a second chance. I have one more day to go. A long day. What are my goals then, no idea. Inventing a drug to get people out of a coma. I can crush it and put it in his tube if I want. I'll have to be a genius, but I'm not.

It would start today. Today would be Ruel's first show after a long time.
And the reactions of his fans break my heart. It truly does. There is so much love and support behind it, but the tears keep shining on the black letters.

It was not easy to share this news with the world. As strong as I might seem in that, I felt myself dying inside. Like nature suddenly turning black, shriveled by the poisonous spell that has been cast. Everything was suddenly dead. There was no sign of life and I dare not say that the sky has started to turn blue again. I dare not say that the brook in the forest has started flowing again. Or the birds finally dare to chirp again.

I had locked my phone after posting the message. A photo of the list of world tour dates with nearly a third of it scratched. Diagonally there was a red line through it with the text: cancelled. Moved to a date unknown. May never be known. The caption is written from team Ruel. Nothing of a name has been mentioned except his. I posted exactly the same text on the story.

A large number of dates have been urgently removed from the list, it is unknown to which dates these shows will be moved. It is also unknown whether more shows will have to be cancelled. It hurts our heart that we have to inform you that it is not possible for Ruel to continue these shows. He was involved in an accident and is currently in a coma.
We want to give all the support that is needed. Therefore an account has been created for the further updates, the changes of the shows will remain here. It is also possible to leave a message for Ruel or anyone else you want to support during this difficult period, and help is available if needed.You are not alone. We wish you, but also family and friends, a lot of strength.
Team Ruel.

It's the fact that I know it was going to hurt so many people that it was painful. The media silence is happening more often, it has become normal for fans. But then to hear this, unexpectedly, is something that is difficult to understand. Even for us and we sat in the waiting room waiting for a bit of good news. How close we are to Ruel, so far away from him are they. It is the unexpected that feeds fear. It could just be over and they have no idea. They can do nothing but wait. And that is perhaps the most painful. Just being able to watch, while inside you're screaming for someone to help. It was as if I had pressed the red button on purpose to let all the tears flow. As if it were the button to fire thousands of knives straight at the heart. On their precious hearts. Ruel has saved so many lives and now he has to be his own hero. He may not have a cape, but he does have super powers. Gift that no one else possesses. He revives hearts, but now he must do the same to himself.

Even now the fans are not letting him down. They hold his hand so tight that he cannot slip away and fall down. They are all by his side. I have never seen a more beautiful band than this one. I have never seen so much love and support for someone who has a hard time receiving right now..The good thing is, they support each other. They drag each other through this difficult time. Hoping it will eventually work out. For them, his well-being is at a higher level than his career and I really admire that. He is a singer and makes music because he was able to make a hobby into his job. That he was finally able to do what seemed to be his purpose in life. But he as a person is something that also makes them happy. And if he isn't, their concern is on, even though this fandom is set up to tease him all the time, creating a love-hate relationship. But if Ruel really needs them, they are there for him, first in line.

They were so looking forward to the tour, to all the new content.

I look through the many messages from the new, hopefully temporary, account. I read the DMs and the comments under the photos of pieces of text from fans to each other. It is so pure and beautifully written. Only then do you really see the gratitude. Grateful for what Ruel has done for them.

It stirs up so many emotions in me that I don't know what to do with it. Like I can't decide which one to feel. As if they all prefer to be in the foreground, or prefer to hide in a corner.

Finally my decisions feel right. It's been best that I've been honest. Now there is clarity to the point that it is still possible. How far the light may shine in the dark tunnel. It takes a little bit of tension away when you know what exactly is going on. Even if they don't need to know everything, they don't get to know it either. But the fandom is empowering itself and maybe I can pass that on to Ruel. Like a visual connection through which the golden radiant power of love can flow. That can dance around his heart and heal his body.