The Darkness Of Healing // Ruel // English

Chapter 2

Kate wakes up as Ralph gets up from his chair and stands straight up. Coco and Sylvie become alert and put everything they were doing to the side. The family holds each other's hands as tightly as possible. Everyone seeks for support from each other.

The doctor walks towards us and has a neutral expression on his face. There is nothing to read, they are trained for that. There is no time to cry.

I'm not ready to hear what the doctor has to say. I don't want to feel its effect. I want to burst into tears. I want my heart to stop racing. My ears to stop ringing.

Doctor: "Ruel is in a coma." So the doctor starts and gives us time to breathe. Loosen the grip in our hands a little. Making sure we don't end up with bruises.

Then he continues to tell. Ruel is in a coma and has a swelling in his brain at the time of the accident. He is in a coma to relieve the pressure in his head and to give his brain space against further swelling. He is connected to the ventilator and has a tube in his nose to administer the tube nutrition. It is impossible to estimate how long he will be in this condition, whether he will ever get out or die. He's still stable, but they can't determine anything. It's up to Ruel to determine that length. The longer it takes, the more likely you are to have long-lasting or even lifelong effects. That breaks my heart. He will most likely never be the same again. He may never be able to do what he wanted to do. Had wanted to achieve in his life. He possibly can't live for the reason he was born with.

It is possible that he can hear us but that cannot be confirmed. The moment I hear that he cannot experience pain, because those stimuli do not enter his brain, a weight is lifted from my shoulders. I didn't want him to feel that pain in his body. It would make him weaker and weaker, for that is no medicine.

My body doesn't know what feelings to bring up. I am relieved that he is still alive, but the uncertainty is there. It's harder to lose him at a later stage than right now. It will create false hope until it turns out that he actually can't make it and gives up. I'm heartbroken because I couldn't get a response from him no matter what I do. No movement, no sound. If I would give him a hug I know that the arms will not be wrapped around my body. It no longer functions completely on its own. I don't want to see his dreams fall into the water. I don't want to see all the people who care about him collapse. We can only continue to believe in him. Telling him that, even though he might not hear it.

I nervously stay in the chair when his family is allowed to join him in the room. I just stare at the door. Pull my legs to my chest and rock back and forth. I don't even know if I can come in at all. I'm not family. I may be his girlfriend, but I also understand that there are limits. I don't even know if I want to go in. Dare to go in. I don't even hear any sound coming from the room. The tears seem to have all run out.

Time just ticks by quietly. People in white coats keep walking by, don't even look at us. Just doing their job. Until Ruel's doctor walks by. He kneels down in front of me as I look down on him. He talks about the injuries Ruel sustained as I was involved in the accident. It's nothing more than a bruise to his ribs and a swelling of his brain. He will recover from that, the doctor promises in any case. I just don't know who I can trust these days. It feels like no one can ever really be trusted.

I took it upon myself to inform the people very close to Ruel about the situation. About Ruel's condition at the moment. His friends' reaction hurts me to hear or read because I know they care about him so much. And if they had the chance, they would have come to see him. Then they would have assisted him. His team's reaction has been shocked, Nate will be coming to Sydney tomorrow. Yet I have such a gut feeling that I will have to get involved with that later. That it could still go wrong. No more rational thinking.