The Darkness Of Healing // Ruel // English

Chapter 54

Yawning, I sit up in bed and pull the blanket towards me, fumbling it up and covering my breasts as I follow Ruel with my eyes. His hand reaches for the blackout curtain to pull it halfway open to let in the bright morning sun. He quickly squeezes his eyes shut for protection.

I choke on my own breathing as I try to remember why I slept half naked. I only sleep naked when we've had sex, otherwise I always have something on. I just can't remember if we had sex, Ruel wouldn't do that. There's even another line of pillows between us on the bed that kept our two sides separated. That hadn't been my idea, we didn't go to bed like that. I, on the other hand, did not lie against Ruel, but certainly did not put down the kisses. Then I remember the nightmare I had that startled me awake. All covered in sweat. It was a gang rape with the people I love so much. I didn't even care about myself, I just couldn't bear to see Blake and Ruel completely tortured. Their skin was engraved, then rinsed with alcohol. Beaten all black and blue. I couldn't choose a side to look at, closing my eyes was certainly not an option. It was either Ruel with a bloody face, Blake screaming at the branding they made in his skin or Justin hanging over me with the blood dripping from the gunshot wound in his forehead. Screaming to shut up and that my fingers would be chopped off if I grabbed someone's hand. The sounds of pleasure and pain merged together. I couldn't stand it. By the time I actually woke up, Ruel was already kneeling next to the bed. A glass bottle pressed against his lips. If it had been completely empty I might not have registered it, but I could hear the fluid sloshing. Even when he quickly took it out of my sight the moment he realized I was back in the world. I smelled the alcohol at the soothing words he uttered. In the end I had to take my shirt off because I got so hot. That's a better explanation.

Ruel continues to stare outside. His shoulders hang low, so do his eyelids and the corners of his mouth. His hands are hidden in the pockets of his long jeans, that's all he wears. Unlike the chain that hangs around his neck that reflects the light from outside.

A sigh escapes him.

I cross my legs and still have a firm grip on the blanket. Protected against no one in particular.

Head tilted I continue to observe the boy. I try to get a little height from him, but all I feel is a nervousness and heavyweight ambiance.

Yasmine: "I'm sorry I dragged you in my shit," I suddenly say.

His head hurriedly turns to me, clearly surprised that I open my mouth.

Ruel: "You don't," Ruel replies quickly.

He can't maintain eye contact and then turns back to whatever is out there.

Yasmine: "Don't lie. Not to me and not to yourself."

Ruel: "I don't." The words are a bit muffled but still intelligible.

Yasmine: "Ruel, you literally left the hotel room in the middle of the night to go to the supermarket on the corner of the street. To get liquor there and then return." Ruel takes a breath and opens his mouth only to change his mind and say no more words. "You only drink when you feel like shit."

He takes his hands out of his pockets to cross his arms. Still not making eye contact.

The distance between us seems so immense.

Ruel: "Why do you care?!" With an angry movement he turns to me. His raised voice feels like a knife to my heart.

Yasmine: "Don't you ever say that again!" The air has been squeezed out of my lungs, the muscles in my body are tense. I look around to find my shirt to put on so I can walk towards Ruel. "If I didn't care about you I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have forgiven you for what you ever did to me. If I didn't care about you I wouldn't have spent all my days in a place that felt like hell. I wouldn't have been sitting next to your bed for so long. If I didn't care about you I wouldn't stay up at night if you weren't feeling well to make sure everything was alright. Then I'd be  never been your anchor in the ground. So don't you dare say I don't care about you again," I reply angrily, pointing a finger that holds so much anger at him.