The Darkness Of Healing // Ruel // English

Chapter 34

The closer the night gets, the more the atmosphere begins to change. I feel it in the more modesty, the withdrawal, the cold. Everyone is kind of in their own world, which may not be the best right now. It is especially noticeable in Ruel. His eyes scan the living room as if he is looking for a way out. He no longer sits relaxed in his chair. When I ask how I'm doing, I get unintelligible mumbles. Not that he talks so under the breath, but simply because he didn't want to say anything at all and still want to give some sort of answer. I seem to see the color drain from his face. First from his previously red cheeks, then it goes like a blot of oil to the rest of his skin and then his neck. It is as if red paint would be mixed with way too much white, somewhere there is a piece of green pigment on the brush that had not been cleaned properly. His condition makes me alert. My eyes on the other side of the room are on him and no longer on the book in my lap.

However, Ruel is not the only one who seems to be stifled by silence.
It's also the rest of the family. Kate roughly rubs her apparently sore palm after writing a lot. The sisters abruptly stop the video game they were playing to look around. I try to look for something they would like to find but my brain seems empty. Overwhelmed with stimuli, it now has no idea where to start searching. It's only Ralph who's dug deep into his magazine. However, I can't say if that's because he fell asleep or actually finds it that interesting.

My boyfriend grabs the back of the chair and tries to get him out of here, but his disability of not being able to walk stops him. He is unsteady on his feet as he tries to move forward quickly. I quickly realize what's wrong when he clenches his fist and puts it against his mouth. Nauseous. I quickly rush to his aid by offering him a bowl from the kitchen, as going to the bathroom would take much longer. Maybe it also gives a little more peace in case he really has to throw up. I see the weak muscles in his body tense to get ready and yet nothing comes. What it does is weaken him, take the last bit of strength out of his body. Such a thing is horrific. Especially for this boy right now.

With help I got Ruel upstairs on request. A staircase is still difficult, but he does it well. He sees the positive in it. It's a way to his bed, a bed he hasn't been able to lay in all this time. The bed of comfort. I'm not leaving his side, just as a precaution. I care about him too much and don't want anything to go wrong. It probably won't, but still. If he starts to find me annoying, I'll take my steps back. If necessary, I'll sleep in the guest bed tonight. I notice that he is beginning to find his mother's many concerned questions irritating. In an hour you will have a few times that she sticks her head around the corner of the door to see if everything is still going well. He sighs when she's gone. Plus, he's more and more likely to say that everything's okay, even if it isn't.

I fill the bathtub for Ruel so he can have some time to himself, but I think he has a different idea. When he slowly begins to undress and sees me sitting silently on the closed toilet, he stops, and stares at me.

Ruel: "Will you come with me in the bath?" It was less of a question and more of an invitation.

Yasmine: "I'm okay." I answer quickly as I pull my legs to my chest and lean back.

The look in his eyes almost makes me change my mind. The corners of his mouth curl slightly down, but in a way of laughing. His eyes are bright. There's no way that's coming from the artificial light, it's his awakened soul staring at me. Loving and waiting for the situation to turn around. Secretly hoping for a change in my answer.

Yasmine: "Really, I'm okay. Go on, I'll stay here with you."

His eyes beg me, but he himself tries to make peace with my answer. He shrugs, says nothing more.

I know why I decline, I just don't quite understand why I'm making such a big deal of it. It's not that he's going to get angry. Why would he? He can't do anything about it anyway, he only has himself with it. And yet I kindly say no. It isn't his fault.