Being 16 (17*)(18**) is so much fun 🥱🙄

4th year

Anyone that attends school in Ireland will know about the great 4th year. Most people look forward to Ty in my school since it's known for the trips.
I do know that other schools don't have a good program and its limited to around 20 students which sucks. My school let's anyone in and there was 90 students in my year and four classes. Some students did skip on to 5th year since it's not compulsory but I decided to do it.

This year started off great, it's a fun year so when I found out I was in a class with my two best friends . I was happy. Two other people in my friendgroup were also in the same class but I was a bit unsure since Lucy had already been acting weird with Jerry. Jerry was one of those people.

Another person re-entering the story is the boy I had briefly gone out with after the germany trip. We'll call him Finn. He was also in our class and we slowly started chatting again until we got quite close, we still are. Sometimes I don't know how to feel towards him since I know that I don't want to date him but sometimes he gives hints about it. He sits too close and crosses a few boundaries but I think it's just his personality. Finn always wants to go places and do things but I'm a nervous person so I always refuse it. I feel I piss him off sometimes but we've only been friends for a year and I definitely don't feel comfortable enough to go out of my comfort zone to please him so I will continue to stand my ground about where I feel my boundaries are. This is sounding too fucking novelty, I hate that bahaha. I do also write short stories/scenes so I feel like I'm in my fucking nice writing mode.

Anyway, 4th year started normal and all the trips at the beginning were lots of fun. I'm not sure when It turned around but after awhile I started to feel isolated again. I avoided certain conversations and ran away most breaks to sit with my older sister. It became a very normal habit for me to go to the bathroom and then disappear for 20 minutes. Most of my friends didn't notice I was gone so long but if anyone ever did, I told them I would usually wait for the bathroom to be empty. That was kinda true but i had nailed the bathroom schedule because i knew when people went in and how to get them to leave. There wasn't a real schedule but I was in there so often that I just knew how shit went down.

Again around this time I stopped eating lunch again. I fucking hate my body. I started comparing my weight to other girls at the end of 3rd year but only noticed how obsessed I was with how other peoples bodies looked until I caught myself scrolling for hours on other girls Instagram to see if their body looked like mine. (just realised how fucking gay that sounds bahaha)
I wasn't raised on a healthy diet and my mother is overweight, especially in recent years. I wouldn't say I have a massive problem but it got bad and noticeable quickly. My best friend, haven't really mentioned her yet so we'll call her Angel cause she is one.

Angel started to notice that I didn't eat lunch at all in school and she got mad when she found out I also didn't eat breakfast. I love attending school for that reason only. It's so easy to not eat anything in school and when I got home I would wait hours until I had a sandwhich and then dinner. Angel didn't like that I was waiting until after school to eat but she soon dropped it after I started to bring a lunch box to school. I still never ate anything out of it but still. I started drinking a fuck ton of water sometime during 4th year and it was all I liked to do.

There was always a bottle of some flavoured water on my desk during classes cause I was 💫thirsty 💫and I constantly drank it because if people saw that I was drinking so much then they never questioned my food. It was fucking perfect for ages. I'm also a very picky eater so I already struggle to have an open palette.

I am desperate to be skinnier. I already know from certain angles I seem skinny enough but I don't feel it. I'm so unhealthy and I feel disgusted by the shit I eat and the exercise I don't do. I've had lots of woman in my life talk about how they wish they were my size and that I should be so happy with my stomach being 'flat'. It's weird to get those comments but Its not that big of a deal. I only started getting annoyed about people commenting on it when it came to food. I've had people say I should watch my food to keep my figure and eat less of fatty foods for some fucking reason.
One of my mams friend ruined my fucking opinion of her. She had come to my younger brothers birthday and was apparently feeling out of place because she knew nobody else, that's what my mam claims. This woman turned to me randomly and simple said "have you had enough food yet? all you've done since I've got here is eat".

I can't even remember my reaction, probably an awkward laugh because you can't disrespect adults apparently. I went straight inside and lay on the couch on my phone for the next hour, crying over what she had said. I felt fucking horrible and still get sad when I remember how embarrassing it was for someone to say that infront of so many people. My mam brushed it off when I mentioned it which made me jump with joy. It fucking hurt.
The thing is, I had been stealing some sausage from the tray that day but I wasn't eating them, I was feeding them to my dog. I don't even fucking eat pork.

This year definitely didn't help with my body confidence and it probably made me feel like absolute shit. All these girls talking about their gym routines and personal trainers, I was happy for them but they talked about it so much that I felt like I was the laziest piece of shit ever. I hate wearing the uniform because it makes my torso look thicker and my hips stick out. The pe tracksuit is even worse because it's slightly small and makes my legs look long and the jumper is way to small even though all of the clothes are my size. I fucking hate it.

Another weird thing that is brought up between my friends is shoe size. They all want to be tall with long legs which is the opposite of me. I hate my height and do anything to avoid the topic. Lucy, yes she returns, is fucking obsessed over her height.

It pisses me off how much she mentions it. She could gain half a fucking millimetre and boast about it. She also frequently makes comments on her shoe size, she is probably a 7 or 6 which is like most of my friends. I suppose that is one thing I do like about my self, my foot size. That is so fucking weird I'm so sorry bfjsksks. Don't get me wrong I hate feet and how they look, I cant stand not having socks on but it's just a weird thing I like about my body. I've been a size 5 for years and I still fit my shoes from when I was 13 (weird flex but cool bro).

Idk I guess that's a super weird thing to hear from a 16 year old girl but I'm just being honest. You'd be so fucking surprised at the amount of teenagers that care a little too much about height. It's weird.

Ok I'll move on away from that weird topic as a whole. School makes you feel fucking terrible about yourself. Your not smart? We don't give a shit about you then. You want to be individual and have coloured hair? Not a fucking chance. A teacher is being disrespectful towards students? Well we don't want to fire him just yet!
It's frustrating as a student.

Jesus this is really a big fucking rant but that was the purpose of this. SO, 4th year right.
I was getting through the days and spent most of my time working on projects and other shit to keepy myself busy and pass the year with flying colours which is so easy but anyway I'm a try hard.

4th year was very random. One of the worst parts of my year was when our whole year went on a trip down the country for three days. It was great crack mostly except I hated the first night and cried myself to sleep, i missed my mam. My friends were also assholes and at this time i had started to get pissed at my friends.
After we got back, I was chatting to Finn about it and he accidentally let slip that something went down. One of his roomates  an already weird guy, had admitted to fapping to me and another girl. I was absolutely disgusted. I am fucking 16 and I do not give a shit if he can't help it or it's natural or he had a crush on me. He was fucking wrong for doing it. It made me scared to be anywhere near him.

I may have been a bit dramatic over the whole thing but I was in shock so went to tell my mam about it. She was unphased by it and said there was nothing to do. At that exact time Lucy decided to jokingly announce in our groupchat that she had covid (she did acc have it btw). I said it to my mam in fear and she started yelling. I was sobbing on my kitchen floor and literally wished my life could just end there. My mam has serious underlying health issues and my sister had her fucking leaving cert coming up in weeks. That determined her college place. Lucy had been at my house earlier that day and been sitting right next to me.
I was scared and sad and I didnt know what to do. My mam chilled out and we briefly talked before I went to bed. Nothing came of that night except for Finn calling the guy out and making him admit it was wrong. Hes still a creep.

That was an interesting situation and I'd like to say I'm mostly over it. I still think the guy is a creep and I didn't dare to remove my jumper for the next weeks after but it turned out fine.

Now I can't say that was the downfall of my year but the one person I was least expecting to did: Lucy.