Being 16 (17*)(18**) is so much fun 🥱🙄

Yooo

Was going to start this with a 'oh I totally forget about this' but that's definitely a lie. It was always an idea floating in my head I was just too busy and quite frankly, couldn't put into words what I needed to say.

nothing has really changed......but I am 17 years old now and I still hate myself.

I can't really explain why I'm writing this but maybe it's like an intuitive thing, Idk. I suppose I am procrastinating Irish study but also I wanted to sit down and kinda have some thoughts about my life for a moment.

I got a bit better in October, I was feeling motivated and pumped to be doing things but then it stopped and I didn't want to get out of bed. Not because it was warm but rather because I didn't want to face the world, and I still don't.

Maybe it's like a seasonal depression thing because I always feel like worse crap this time of year. Don't get me wrong, I feel like actually shit all year round but the closer months make me feel like I'm an actual piece of crap on the sidewalk.

I don't really know how to explain why I get many anxiety attacks or despise everyone I've ever known during these months, but I do.

Nothing changed between me and Lucy,  there are odd days when I feel enough to speak with her but by the end of it, I've had enough. She's just overwhelming. 5th year has kinda helped with the whole friend group thing and I actually get to be by myself more.

It's kinda hard to explain what's going on in my mind. There's a lot floating around in there but at the same time I feel very empty. I adore school, well I did, but now I'm praying to get out. I don't even know what I want to do but the tests every week and 7-hour school days are making me rip my hair out.

I'm also terrified at how fast time is moving. I know once I get to college I'll be on my own, I'll probably split from my friend group and will end up on my own. I hate to sound stinky and gross but I love them. Altho I feel like an extra wheel all the time there are moments I share with each of them that make me feel slightly less shit about myself being alive.

Every time my friends talk about doing cool things they hesitate to tell me in case I say no and refuse. I know they want me to go places with them because of the way they watch me for my reaction when they suggest things. There must be something really fucked with my head because I can't stand the idea of going on a spontaneous trip or even a planned one far away. I'm scared. I've never done those things before.

I feel like a fool all the time and maybe if someone was a fool like me I wouldn't be as lonely but all my friends are bright young people with a sense of adventure and a desperation to be disobedient teenagers. I just simply want to wake up every morning and not regret everything I do. I know I sound like a big pussy but it's just a stupid irrational fear I have that something terrible will happen and it'll all be my fault. If my friends get hurt or they don't enjoy themselves, it'll all be my fault. I really don't want it to be my fault and for them all to hate me, I think I couldn't live if my current friends hated my fucking existence.

If I didn't have them I'd probably be bullied the fuck out. I wouldn't survive school without the decent considerate friends I've got. For that, I'm thankful. but sometimes I wish I was more for them but I'm afraid if I am too much then they'll hate me. And I'm very easy to hate in every single way.

Wow, oddly poetic. Do why that was so dramatic but I guess it's true. I have great fun with them but I don't know. I ruin their fun by not wanting to do anything but what I'm used to. Guess I really am a pussy. but I'm fine with that and somehow my friends are putting up with me.

Anyway, that's a quick Lil update for me. So basically I turned 17, wished I hadn't, had an okay birthday,  then the next week hated myself and life more than ever and still do, passed a maths exam, all my Irish exams and nailed my art projects. I guess maybe I'm okay with being a fool after all. Being a fool is pretty fun guys. you should defo try it Baha.

Anyway bye motherfuckers