#GirlsShitToo

Facebook Apology

I'd thought I was clear of Adree's criticism, that I'd created the perfect video that she couldn't possibly disapprove of. Then: bam! I did something criticizable.

I felt bad, again. I remembered being a freshman, when one of my peers, Vanessa, took topless photos of herself along with a video where she was touching herself. They were passed around school. I called her a slut, and not only because everyone else was; I really thought that what she did was slutty. Only after Adree released her "Sexting" vlog did I realize that I didn't even know that name of the guy who she sent it to—you know, the asshole who shared it with everyone. He deserved the name-calling!

In that moment, I really wanted to contact Vanessa and apologize. But that incident had caused her to leave our school, so my only option for getting in touch with her was through Facebook.

We weren't friends, as she had deleted her Facebook when that happened, but I searched for her and found a new Facebook profile she'd made. Then I messaged her.

To: Vanessa Ilene

Subject: Hey

Hey Vanessa, haven't talked to you in a while. Been thinking about you, and wanted to say I wish I would've been a better friend two years ago when that thing happened. You deserved support from ALL the girls at school but didn't get it. I know we weren't super close or anything, but I feel like a jerk. Hope the guy who did that to you got his karma.

To: Dallas Delaney

Subject: RE: Hey

Dallas! I've been following your project and I think it's awesome! You're messaging me because of Adree's video, huh? She messaged me too, lol. Anyways, everything's fine. I moved to Oregon with my dad and I love it here! I was bummed for a long time because everyone kept telling me that if I really respected myself I wouldn't have done that. Srsly. That was EVERYONE'S advice. Like what I did was an action of disrespect against myself or something. Even though, like Adree said, I wasn't the one disrespecting. I guess I should have been more careful, because ya, Clay Wetherman IS an asshole, and what I did was technically illegal since I was underage. But I've learned a lot about being more careful and making sure my partners and I understand each other, because here in OR sex education is like top notch ;)

To: Vanessa Ilene

Subject: RE: Hey

Glad you're happy in Oregon! And glad to hear you've moved on from all that. Ugh...that reminds me...our sex education like, the week after next. Dang it.

To: Dallas Delaney

Subject: RE: Hey

Well CA isn't far behind OR! They passed that law in CA where they can't just teach abstinence-based education. & they passed a bill about comprehensive sex education with lots of good regulations about teaching materials. Plus they have to teach about affirmative consent. Btw, don't you think it's funny how ppl are totally shipping you and Adree?

To: Vanessa Ilene

Subject: RE: Hey

How do you know so much about sex education, lol?

To: Vanessa Ilene

Subject: RE: Hey

I'm doing my senior paper on sex education. So I know tons of stuff about it. I wish I could do a cool project, like you! But I'm just doing a paper :(

To: Vanessa Ilene

Subject: RE: Hey

That sounds like an awesome paper! ;)

* * *

On Friday, I was hanging out with Alex and Benny and Justine and Eric after school. We were heading downtown to meander through the local record store and to invade the cafe next door. On the way, it was a full car, and I was glad. "I still don't know how I'm gonna respond to Adree. I was up for two hours last night trying to figure it out, and I just ended up stalking her Tumblr to its conception."

"Were you just looking at pictures? Or were you doing something else?" Eric winked, and the masturbation implication was clear.

"You know that's what I do when I need inspiration," Benny said.

"Me too," said Justine.

Alex turned to her and said, "Why do you need to do that if you have me?"

"By the same logic, why do you need to do it if you have me?"

"Girls don't need to do that the way that guys do," Benny said. "Shouldn't you be just fine now that you have Alex?"

"Okay, look," I said, defending Justine. "I know I've never had a long-term girlfriend or anything, but I'm pretty sure that even if I did, and even if she was amazing, I would still do that. What else am I gonna do when I can't fall asleep and social media isn't hitting the spot?"

"Thank you, Dallas," said Justine. "Besides, why do guys just automatically get the 'I have to do it' card? It's just another way you guys get to pretend you don't have control, when you do. But it isn't even about control, it's about self-love."

"I like that," Eric said. "Self-love. I guess I've always loved myself...a lot!"

I high fived him for saying that. Then I said, "Besides, Benny, you once said that it should be encouraged. Didn't you mean for everyone?"

He thought about it. "Yeah, I guess I did. But you guys talked me out of that senior project."

"You were going to do your senior project about masturbation?" asked Justine.

"I was thinking about it, but Alex and Dallas told me it wouldn't work."

"That would've been so cool!" Justine said back, and Benny smiled, and Eric nodded in agreement.

Then Benny frowned. "I would have done so much better doing a project about that than writing about free college. Ugh!"

I wondered if he was right, if masturbation could have ever flown as a senior project topic. He'd wanted to argue that it was healthy and should be encouraged, and maybe it should have been, because we lived in a society where it was often discouraged, where people thought that girls, especially, had no "need" to do it.

That was when I realized I had a good idea for a fresh angle for Sunday's vlog.