ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴇʀ ʙʏ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴀɴᴅ|ᴊ.ꜰ

🀣𝟢𝟢𝟨🀣

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ꜱɪx
↳ᴀꜱ ʟᴏɴɢ ᴀꜱ ɪ ʟɪᴠᴇ...

   When I was younger, my dad was my everything. He was like my real life comfort character and he'd never failed me, never let me down or left me hanging. Dad was the one person I knew would stick around forever --- the one person I could keep close to me wherever I went. And when he died, he'd taken a piece of me with him. It's like he left a hole within me without even realizing it, or even wanting to.
   We'd gotten the call late at night when we were all asleep. Dad was in the hospital because he'd caught a bad case of pneumonia a few months after contracting B. Cepecia. People get pneumonia all the time so we didn't really think anything of it. I mean, dad wasn't the type of person to put his illness on display.
   I was already awake when Susannah and Laurel came to my bedroom door. I'd scrunched myself up into a little ball and just cried. There was nothing else I could do because he was gone and that meant forever. Forever is a long time --- its been a long time. Without my dad, I'm just a leaf in the wind. I have no purpose, no sense of direction. I'm just existing with no idea of what I should do with myself.

   The drive up to his grave sight was silent. He'd asked to be buried at Cousins in his will so we made it happen --- Susannah and Laurel made it happen. Dad made them executioner of his will, and they'd delivered. He was buried at Cousins with a black headstone and everything else he'd asked for. I didn't know much about whatever else was in it, Susannah said I wasn't allowed to know until I was eighteen. And I'd left it at that because at the time, it was still a fresh wound and I didn't want to know more.
   Jeremiah sat shotgun as always. Whenever we were at Cousins and we'd taken a car, he was always upfront with me. He held my hand, and it made my heart beat really fast even in our current circumstances. But it wasn't a love thing, it was comfort thing. Jere was good at that. Comforting people, I mean. He alway knew how to make you feel better, even when you didn't really want to.
   He'd given it a small squeeze and smiled at me for a split second before returning his eyes to the road.

   Dad always needed to feel on top of the world when he was alive. So we buried him at the top of the hill. I'd drive all the way up there each time and park along the side of the path before getting out. Getting out was the easiest part. It was walking up to the headstone that was the hardest. I knew he was in there --- that part of him was in there. Dad always used to say that our bodies are just shells for our souls, and when we die, we move on to our next life and pick a new shell.
   He'd say that to me when I'd stare at myself in the mirror for a little too long. Dad was my biggest supporter. We'd all had our own flowers to lay, and things felt a little off not having Belly and Steven and everyone else here with us this time but I brushed it off. Too much is changing. Mom went first, silently paying her respects to her late husband. And then Jeremiah who I could tell wanted to cry but was holding back for the sake of me.
   Jeremiah adored my father growing up. He admired him because he was strong, even called him his hero. He said dad was brave for fighting CF the way he did, and I thoughts so, too. And when It was finally my turn, my legs couldn't hold me up anymore. My fingers grazed the smooth stone as I laid a single flower on top before letting the bouquet fall.

   There I was, crying over my dad who passed years prior. And it was as if it were still a fresh wound, one that didn't plan on healing anytime soon. Because dad was my entire world, and he meant more than the world to me. I'd give my life if it meant he were walking this earth again.
   "How about you say a few words to your father?" Mom suggested. And I could've went off on her right then and there for acting as if she had cared but I couldn't do that to dad, not when he needed to hear from me. So I nodded, wiped the tears off of my face and sat down in front of the headstone.
   I didn't know what to say though. I missed him so much and yet I couldn't string together any words to compile a decent sentence. I just wanted to cry and cry and cry even more until I had absolutely no tears left. Dad didn't deserve to die, he deserved to get new lungs and live forever. He was supposed to live forever.
   "I come back to Cousins every year expecting to see you on the fourth and... And I never do. And I just wait up all night and stare out the window to see your car come up the driveway and yet it never does... I miss you dad. I miss you when I close my eyes and when I get up in the morning. I miss you when I'm swimming and biking through town."