Trapped Together (Complete)

~ Chapter 9 - 1:24pm ~

Jake saw the look in her eyes, the hurt, and the anger. And damn did he want to do nothing else but tell her about a promise that a stupid hormonal teenager made to his best friend and then got constantly reminded of it as they grew up. He wanted to open up about a comment that was made by him and a prom date that she had and a wish to take her to prom instead. He wanted to say he knew about the first guy she slept with him and how he punched him a couple of times after school because he wanted to be her first. Yeah, there were a lot of things he wanted to say, but he couldn't. Why? Because he also promised Jay that that promise would never come up, not any time that Jake was talking to Rachel. And because of that fucking promise, he had to pull away from her.

Especially that night because had Jay ever walked in on them; ever seen them in an embrace other than friendly, Jay would have killed him. He had already gotten that run down and he didn't care to hear it again. So, whenever the annoyance became wanting, and desire settled in, he had to back away, had to become a major douche. And in turn, started finding women he could screw because the one he did like was totally and completely off limits to him. But he also did feel that he wasn't a good man for Rachel. She wasn't a saint, he knew that, he didn't want her to be one, but she wasn't nearly as tainted as he was, or had such a colorful past. And he couldn't do that to her, couldn't make her just some fuck toy, even if he thought for a moment that they would work as a couple.

"Nothing I can say will make you talk, huh?" He looked at her, his hand reaching up to play with her hair again. Over the last few years, he stopped man whoring around; he wasn't finding nearly as much joy in it as he once did. He wanted a steady girlfriend, someone he could come home to, someone who really wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her. He wanted normal but he wasn't finding it.

"I'm sorry, Rachel. Not that it's an excuse not to talk about that night or how I treated you, but it's just something I can't get into it. But yes, it does have to do with Jay." She pouted and he smiled. She was cute when she was frustrated and he wished he could change this, but it just wasn't something he could. And though he wanted normal, he still really felt that she could do better than him.

"I think you're selling yourself short." He had to mentally shake his head, confused about what that meant.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"You being a slut. We all have phases, some good, and some bad. I know you aren't that way now, though. So I think that whatever my brother told you is utter bullshit and you should ignore it." He smiled at her grit; he really had no choice in that. She was strong when she needed to be, and stubborn.

"Want to tell him that?" She tilted her head as she regarded him and his question.

"Would it get you into trouble, Jake if I told him?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Then I have nothing to say to my brother on the matter. Look, I know you two are best friends that you're the brother he wished he had over an annoying sister, and I would never want to come between that. And I get that's my older brother, but sometimes, I think he steps into things he has no business stepping into." Well, fuck, she wasn't wrong on that note. And he probably deserved her annoyance, but Jay would never hear about it either.

"Look, you have every right to be mad, but sometimes, things might be for the better." She looked like she didn't believe him, and really, he couldn't fault her that because he wasn't totally sure he believed the bullshit he just spewed either. He wanted to tell her to trust her brother on this matter, but he couldn't because he still longed for her.

"Okay, can we please get over the talk of Jay? I deal with him all the time; I don't want to talk about him when he's not here." Jake laughed at that and pulled her back in his arms, something he shouldn't have done, but her warmth was welcoming to him since the temperature had started to dip in the cabin.

"Fine, if you don't want to talk about your brother, what shall we talk about? We can talk about relationships some more?"

"What the hell, what else could you want to know about Tim, huh?"

"Did you love him?" He wasn't totally sure why he asked that question, but now that it was out, he was glad it got asked. She let out a deep breath and then shrugged.

"I believe I want to say that I was, but looking back, I'm not sure I was. Not like, deep, want to be together forever, type of love. I think that if I was in love with him, I should have hurt a lot more when things ended, but I didn't. I didn't cry myself to sleep, I didn't wallow in pity. Sure, it hurts, but it's not a pain that I want to feel all the time. I think my pain stems more from being with him for so long and being slapped in the face; from being stupid, for wanting something that I never should have wanted. Does any of that make sense?" Yeah, a lot more than she probably thought, and a lot more than he was going to admit.

"Of course it does, you aren't crazy, you know." She chuckled and he smiled, but he knew her, knew she was still questioning things. "Really Rachel, you aren't. You are smart and I think deep down, you knew that forever wasn't with him."

"So, you think even though I might have said yes to his asking, I wouldn't have walked down the aisle?" Did he believe she would have? No, he didn't. Tim was a good guy for her on levels that he thought he wasn't. However, Tim also wasn't the best man for her, and that he really felt. Maybe it was more he wanted to believe Tim was good so that he didn't see Rachel alone. But, he also didn't like seeing Tim with her either; in fact, any man with her was a sucker punch to the gut and he hated it. He also hoped that someday he could be open about what he thought.
She sighed and laid her head on his chest and he closed his eyes, savoring that sweet moment. He'd enjoy it but he knew better than to keep wishing for it because it was a lost cause. After another few seconds, she lifted her head and looked at him and he just grinned.

"What?" he finally asked.

"You've never found a girl you'd want to marry?" He licked his lips as he thought about how to answer that. He wasn't sure he wanted to marry Rachel, though he had a thing for her. And maybe that's why Jay was so on his case? Because he wasn't sure he actually saw marriage in his future? Granted, if there was anyone he would want to marry, it would be someone like her, if he saw it.

"I'm not..." he didn't know what to say, what to even tell her. He wasn't oblivious to the fact that she cared for him and he wasn't sure if his next words would really take her away for good and that wasn't a chance he wanted, he realized.

"What? You're not Husband material?" He chuckled along with her but that wasn't the case. Or maybe it was, maybe he thought he wouldn't be a good husband or a good father.

"No, not quite. I guess," he stopped again and then just decided to bite the bullet. "I guess I never really saw myself as married. I wasn't sure it was in my future." She sat back a bit more but he didn't see judgment or condemnation in her eyes.

"Really? I would think you would want to be married. And I think you'd make a great husband." She shook her head before lying back down. "I'm not sure marriage is in my future as much as my parents want it." That shocked him.

"I know you aren't like most women and demand a man marries you right away, but you don't know if you want to get married?" he asked, rather surprised by that. He could always see her married with babies.

"No. I mean, looking back at things with Tim, I never pushed. Assumed it would happen one day, but I had no urge to plan a wedding. You would think that would mean I didn't want to get married, right?" She shifted so she could look at him through her lashes but he shook his head.

"No, I don't believe so. I think that means you felt, way deep down, that you weren't meant to marry him. I think you knew you weren't really happy and therefore had no real joy in planning something you didn't want. I remember you talking as a little girl with your friends about your wedding, so no, I think you do want to get married, you just need the right guy." She quieted down as he could see her thinking that over.

And once she shivered, his eyes glanced at the clouds that had gotten darker and then at the fireplace that was blazing. The heat had dropped in the cabin, even with the fireplace going, and she was curling up to him, which was only going to make things worse for him. He so badly wanted to pull her closer, to offer her more warmth, but her body pressed against his was causing his body to do things that he didn't want her to pick up on.