Love's Slave (manxman)

Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Jameel

There are no words in my vocabulary that I could use to even begin to describe the multiple awe-inspiring experiences I've encountered so far in this foreign land. These beautiful people rescued me from the hell that was my life under the hands of a very sick man. They've opened my eyes to a whole new world. With their help, and the help of the psychiatrist they'd arranged for me see, I was slowly coming to terms with the things I'd been subjected to. I've accepted that none of those horrid acts of defilement were my fault. They were solely the fault of a very disturbed individual, his actions were his own, and I, by no means should hold any blame for his misdeeds.

Getting to this point of my life, and accepting what had happened to me has been a long, hard road I'm precariously traveling. One that I'm most likely going to travel for the remainder of my days. I'm okay with that, because I want to take the journey. I no longer wanted to curl up in a dark corner, full of shame, and die. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to enjoy the time that Allah has deemed fit to grant me on this mortal plane with the people currently in my life surrounding me with unconditional love and acceptance. Especially Kamal. He saved me that day, and I'll forever be grateful to him for taking me out of that wretched room and opening my life into the world full of possibilities.

My therapist and I have shifted the focus of my sessions from discussing the multiple acts of degradations I've lived through, to discussing and working through my feelings for Kamal. She's satisfied I was coping and effectively working through the emotional and physical effects of my time spent in captivity. She wanted to make sure that the attraction I've confessed to having for Kamal was healthy. She wanted me to differentiate between hero worship, gratitude for his assistance, and the fact that he was the first man in my life to show me some semblance of kindness and respect. I totally understand where she's coming from and the message of what she's trying to convey. I've spent many a night sleeping just a few steps away from Kamal to think about and sort through what I truly feel for the man.

I've never known love of any kind. Not from my absent parents, or the man who was in charge of well-being and lack there-of. I've never experienced the sentiment of caring deeply for someone else, either as a friend, family, or someone remotely in a romantic sense. That was until through Allah's divine intervention with sending the El-Sayed family into my life. I'd sincerely thought that Allah had forsaken me for being a deviant. At least, that's what had been drummed into my head every single day of my existence before I was shown another way of life.

It wasn't until I was set free that I was able to witness how a true, respectful bonds of love united these special people. It wasn't until I was brave enough to open my eyes and my heart that I was able to witness and come to know what love, pure unconditional love was about. It wasn't until I experienced the kindness and non-judgmental acceptance and encouragement that I've come to learn what love means. And, finally with a touch, a smile, and of course, those heated looks of appreciation and desire Kamal tries to hide from me most of the time, that I've come to know that deep in my heart that I love him. Not just because he's kind to me. Not because I am grateful to him for all he's done, but because of the incredible man that he is.

It was because from day one, he's seen me as a person worthy of his time. He looks at me like I'm precious, like he doesn't see me as a defiled victim of unmentionable abuse. He doesn't see a scarred and emotionally stunted person. When he looks at me, the way he treats me, cares for me, and the way he goes out of his way to respect my feelings, shows me cares for me more than he could ever put into words. The little snippets of intimacy we have been skirting around is another indication of what could be between us if I was brave enough to fully accept these new feelings and open my heart to completely trust him with my new found feelings. Show him that I trust myself as much as I trust him.