Why Him? || Steddie

Chapter 7

-Eddie's Perspective-

     Spring break was closer than ever now. It was only a few days away, and everyone was excited to see it come... but I wasn't. These last few breaks...I've only had more time to think about what I had done. How I snapped.... just like he did. How I probably made him feel the same...I've been faking a smile for...I don't even remember how long anymore.

As much as I hated to admit it, it's been another few months since the incident. We had class together, sure...but when Steve talked, it felt like he was trying to walk on eggshells around me. As if I would snap at any moment...as if he was afraid of me.

It ate at me. The way his looks used to be so...warm...now they were filled with nothing but emptiness. As if he had cut off his emotions from me. There were multiple occasions that I tried to bring up a conversation for the two of us to share...but I as soon as one even was attempted, Robin seemed to step between the two of us.

The voices have only gotten worse over time. They've progressed into my dreams. Whenever I close my eyes to try and sleep, he's there...he's always there. As much as I pleaded for him to finally leave me, it felt like he just got stronger. Started coming up in my peripheral vision.

Started talking to Ms. Kelly about it. She labeled it as visions of stress. It didn't feel right because I was always stressed. Even before the events of a few months ago, I was a stressed out mess...but she said that I must have been extra stressed these past few months. I brushed off my doubts and just went with what she stated to be a fact. There wasn't exactly another explanation to it.

I wished so badly to just...explain to Steve that I wasn't talking with him, that I was going insane...that I was hearing these voices that weren't even mine. That I didn't mean to hurt him...but it was too late. The time period of redeeming myself was over. It was just a matter of moving on.

Steve doesn't have any class periods with me anymore. Whenever I would see him in the hall, it was like the second I blinked, he disappeared from sight. I understood that he didn't want to see me...so even though he felt like a home I once wanted to call mine, I knew it was best that I acted like he didn't exist as long as he did the same for me.

The only relatively nice thing about this whole...losing Steve thing, is that I got to gain back an old friend. Chrissy Cunningham. She was like the brightness in the dark of it all. When she started to tell me about what she was going through, I honestly didn't believe it. The chances that someone like Chrissy would have the same demented stress visions as me...were slim to none.

We let others think that we didn't know each other during this time. Chrissy constantly worried about Jason's reputation if she hung out with one of the "freaks"...it stung a little, but I understood her concerns...so I obliged in keeping it between us two. Especially the reason that we were bonding.

We just wanted to relieve the stress together, and sometimes getting high would help with that. It wasn't exactly a cure all. Of course not. If we fell asleep, our dreams would be extremely vivid of our stressors...but as long as we stayed awake over these long nights, there was never a fumble in the plan. Always taking place after a game so that the others wouldn't notice her coming home late.

Lately, however, She's been trying to get a stronger hit. I realized that I was the one who was the supplier for her, but it just...didn't feel right. So I tried to delay this as much as possible, taking her out to the bench to "discuss" things like old times in middle school.

   Eventually, it caught up to me. She learned my tricks and slide of hand and insisted that it was getting worse for her and that she needed a stronger hit more than ever.