the freak (eddie munson)

34

Rose Vila Wheeler

I can't count how many days it's been since I've been in these woods.
They look so familiar, yet anything nostalgic really just brings me sadness I don't want to experience.

It just reminds me of how things were back then.
It's weird how time does that.

I mean you could be having the hardest time of your life, but you'll still look back at that time and think to yourself how much simpler things were.

And seeing the trees, it's almost like I know every one. It's almost like I could name each and every one.

I try not to think of the memories and the way my life was back then.

But it's like a voice that's constantly creeping up on me,
I just keep thinking about it and I can't help it.

"You okay?" Mike questions holding open the car door.
I must've zoned out.

I nod my head, "Yeah I'm okay."

I step out of the car, and even the same smell stayed lingering around these woods.
The memories when I was here with Nancy and the others getting that thing out of Will.
When I'd visit Hopper and El.

All of it stayed.

Time is a fucked up a thing, but it's what keeps the memories, the feeling, there.
Without time passed we'd had no ways of creating memories or feeling anything other than the present.
Sometimes it's comforting feeling things, it's almost like a reminder of life.

I look around me to see that Joyce must not be here yet.

I decide to wander, I let my shoes crunch the leaves I walk on, I allow myself to look up at the sky to see the trees caving in above me.

I look around walking up to old wooden steps.
I make my way over inside, I notice how empty everything is.

I mean the stuff is still here, all of it's still here. But it's so empty.

Yet I see every memory made inside each room. With each object.

I walk past El's old room to see her touching her bed, I also see the door open three inches.
I see her crying.

I decide to keep walking, I'm guessing she wants to be alone.

I make my way over to Hop's room.
I open the door and I decide to look around.

I see old newspapers dated back to 1984, I see cigarettes on the ground, old beer cans, his bed.

I smile to myself, this room definitely screams Hopper.

But due to how long it was left vacant and untouched, I can't really smell Hopper anymore.
It's like it faded overtime.

I really hope that never happens with his jacket.
I don't want to ever let him go completely.
No matter how much it hurts to continue to hold onto something that is no longer there.

I'll hold onto him forever until the end of time.
I don't care how much it hurts me.

God I want to stop thinking about him already.

I decide to walk back to the door, I shut it closed behind me.

I hear noise outside, I assume Joyce is finally here.
I walk through the house back to the door outside where everyone else is at.

I step out of the house only to stand there in a complete state of shock.

I feel a warm touch cross my heart for a split second, and I feel an unbelievable smile cross my lips.

"Hopper?..."

I must be dreaming.
But I am not.
There he is standing there, with El next to him, his friendly smile on his face.
Everyone else sees him too.

I also take notice in how much weight he's lost, his hair...

The Russians had him, didn't they?

"Hey kid." He says walking over to me.

I shut my eyes and I hug him.
I hug him tight.
I'm so happy he's here and actually back.

But as I hug him, part of me wishes it was him.
My love.
Part of me wishes he could be back too.
Part of me wishes it could be him that I'm hugging.
Part of me wishes it was him that was hugging me tightly back.

And just like that I'm thinking of him again, him and his cold body resting in my arms lifeless. Slowly floating away into the depths of the stars and a million miles across the galaxy.

I shut my eyes and I cry.
I really want him back.
I want him back so bad.

I pull apart from the hug and I wipe my own tears away before anyone can make a comment on them.

"You've grown up." Hopper says still smiling at me.
I nod my head hiding all of my emotion with a smile.

I look back towards the others and I see Joyce.
I walk over to her and I hug her too.

She must be so happy.

"Hey kiddo." She says touching my head hugging me into her.

"Hi." I say breathlessly.

This is the first time in two days that I've allowed myself to feel it all.
Since I've allowed myself to feel that heap of emotions that's been bottling up inside me.
The emotions that I was refusing to feel, the feeling that I was hiding from.

But now I'm allowing myself to feel them all.
Baby steps.
Baby steps.
Baby steps.

I'll take baby steps for him.
And really I want nothing more than to just be comforted by the presence of him.
I want to run my fingers through his wild curly hair.
I want to grab his face and reach out to him.
But really if I did do that,
I'd be welcomed with the presence of nothing but the cold spirits of a lost love.

That's what hurts the most.

I wish I had more time.
I wish I wasn't so stubborn.
I wish I wasn't so closed off.
I wish I wasn't so scared to love.

Then like a never ending memory, his voice circles back to my mind...

"Promise me you'll find a reason to love again."

But how could I ever love someone as much as I love you?
I don't want to love someone like that ever again.
I only want you.

I take a deep breath and I just feel.