You're My Sun - Soukoku

Chapter Fourteen

Chuuya pov

I might feel a little bad about what I said. Ok, who am I kidding, I feel horrible, I'm a complete idiot.

It's just- it's too much knowing that somebody out there actually might care for me, might actually want to spend their life with me, it's too much.

The number one rule in life is no attachments, attachments make you weak. All having somebody who loves you does is makes you vulnerable and makes it hurt more when they end up stabbing you in the back.

Every attachment I've made, every bond I've formed has only made me weaker. You have to be loyal, but not loyal enough that you'll end up getting yourself killed. You have to form bonds, but they can't be strong enough that it'll put you in danger.

Before the Port Mafia, I didn't even really feel like I was fighting for anything, I was just... fighting. The Port Mafia was different from anywhere I'd ever been before. I could put down roots without being afraid because everyone else was perfectly capable and I didn't have to worry about them becoming weaknesses.

But somebody who really loves me, that much...

I can't handle that pressure.

But the thing is... I want to. I want him to hold me in his arms again, to kiss me, I just want to talk to him, I want to spend every second around him. I've never felt this way about anyone before, not in all my years of living, and it's scaring me. It's scaring the living shit out of me and I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do.

I lift my head up from my desk, where I've been sitting for the past half hour. What I need is some advice. Someone to tell me that I'm being stupid and that I should just give up and he'll never love me back anyway and love just makes you weak.

I pick up my phone and dial Kouyou's number. After two rings, she picks up.

"Hello?"

"Ane-san, it's Chuuya."

"Hi Chuuya! Do you need anything? I'm kind of busy at the moment."

Kouyou is like the mother that I never had, if anybody would know what to do, it would be her. I clear my throat.

"Ane-san," I start, "Have you ever... I mean... did you ever..." I trail off. Dammit, why are words so hard? I can practically hear Kouyou raising her eyebrows over the phone.

"Did I ever what?" She asks, sounding amused.

"Have you ever met somebody who..." I trail off again.

"Why yes, Chuuya, I have met people before." She teases. "Shocking, am I right?"

I groan in frustration. "No, I mean, have you ever met somebody who, like, made you like... feel a certain way?"

Silence.

"Chuuya, are you, like, horny or something, cause if so-"

"WHAT?! NO?! I-I mean, like, I want to spend all my time with them. And, I want to see them every morning when I wake up. And-"

Kouyou gives an exasperated sigh over the phone. "Is it Dazai?" She says.

"I'm- what?" I ask. Fuck, how does she know?

"Is it Dazai?" She repeats, sounding almost bored.

"That's none of our business!" I say. I can feel myself turning bright red. "Just answer the question! Have you ever felt that way about anybody and what am I supposed to do about this?!"

"Yes, I've felt like that before." She says. I can hear the smirk in her tone.

"Then what'd you do about it?!" I ask.