You're My Sun - Soukoku

Chapter Eighteen

Chuuya pov

When I get home it's early evening, the sun is just starting to set. I hang up my coat and my hat and slip off my shoes, heading straight to my bedroom. I look at the shattered picture on the ground. I'm going to have to get the frame fixed. I pick up the shards of glass on the floor with my ability and deposit them into the trash, then scoop up the picture and put it back on the dresser. There.

I walk back into the kitchen and start cooking dinner. I've gotten quite good at cooking in the past few years, I picked it up as a hobby when I was bored. I'm just chopping tomatoes when the doorbell rings.

I think I know who that is. Am I really ready to talk to him? I sigh and put down my knife, opening the door.

Dazai is standing there, looking small despite his size. I gesture him inside and he slips off his shoes. I head back into the kitchen to finish cooking dinner. I can hear him padding around uncertainly. It's not like him, usually he flings himself onto the nearest piece of furniture.

I turn around. "You can sit down, you know." he nods at me once before nervously perching on an armchair. I give him a puzzled look. Geez, what's up with him today? I turn back to cooking dinner. After a while, it's ready, and I bring him a steaming plate of food which he accepts. We eat in silence.

I finish my food, which he's barely picked at.

"Ok, what's up?" I ask, peering at him. "You're being really weird. And why'd you do that to yourself? You got everyone really scared, you know."

He sighs and looks up from his food to me. I can see a visible struggle in his face before he says, "I don't really like myself..."

"Oh, Dazai." I stand up and lead him over to the couch, and we sit facing each other. I hold one of his hands. "Just talk, ok?" He nods.

"Everything I do, every choice I've ever made, every thing I've ever done, it's like there's this little voice in my head, some little part of me that's telling me I'm stupid, I don't deserve all the good things I have in life, everyone actually hates me, the things I've done are too horrible for me to ever deserve happiness." He takes a breath. "Sometimes... it's too much for me and I..." he trails off, nodding to his bandaged arms.

"You hurt yourself." I whisper. He nods.

"I mean, I deserve it, really, that thing in my head is right, nobody actually-"

"Dazai!" This is too much, too much. How could he ever let himself believe these things? "Dazai, of course that isn't true. None of that is true." I've grabbed both of his hands now, rubbing them with my fingers. "Dazai, you are an amazing person, you should never ever believe anything other than that. There are so many people out there who love you and would do anything for you... including me." I add quietly.

"If that's true..." I can see his eyes tearing up. "Then why do I feel like this, all day, every day? Why do I feel like I'm not worth it, like I don't deserve everyone who loves me, like I don't deserve to live?"

I don't know what to say. "Dazai..." I manage. But I don't know how to comfort him. "Can I see?" I ask instead, gesturing to his bandages. He hesitates before giving a shaky nod, slowly unwinding the bandages on his arms.

I gasp. I knew it was bad, but not this bad. There are scars littering almost every bit of space on his arms, with small patches of pale skin in between. Some are shallow, but some are actually pretty deep, cutting into his skin.

"Dazai, you did all this to yourself?" I look at him, and I can't help my own eyes flooding with tears, too. He nods and looks down. "How many years have you been doing this?"

He shrugs, his eyes still on the floor. "A lot."

I lean forward. "Dazai, look at me." he looks up. "You deserve to live. And you deserve to be happy. Just because you've made some mistakes in your past doesn't mean you can't be happy now. I've killed people too, you know. You just have to carry on. You can feel bad about it, but not bad enough that you end up hurting yourself. You deserve happiness, too. You're not a monster. You're a human, just like everyone else. Hurting yourself isn't going to fix any of your problems. What you need is to be able to believe that you deserve everything that you have, that you deserve to live, because you do, just like everyone else. And I want you to live. I don't want you to leave me again."

"Chuuya..." tears are streaming down both our faces now, and he grabs me and pulls me towards him, pulling me into an embrace, wrapping himself around me. I hug him back fiercely. We stay like that for a while until he pulls away. "Thank you." he whispers.

"Anytime." I reply, stroking his hair. I then realize that I'm sitting in his lap and his arms are around me. I feel my face heat up. I turn away, suddenly embarrassed. "So, uh, are you staying the night here?" I ask, wishing he would say no and yes at the same time. What's wrong with me? He doesn't like me, get over it.

I sneak a glance at him and see that he's changed back into his normal, teasing self, instead of the crying man I saw not even 5 minutes ago. "Only if you want me to..." He teases, his fingers running up my spine. I feel my blush intensify and I push off of him and get to my feet.

"It's your choice." I mutter, turning away. "I'm not stopping you." A minute later I feel his arms wrapping around me, his chin on my head.

"I guess I'll stay then." He whispers, his lips brushing my ear.

"Jesus, what's gotten into you?!" I slip out of his grasp. "Why are you so clingy all of a sudden?" Oh shut up, Chuuya, you know you would've liked to stay there with his arms around you.

"Chuuya, do you not like me anymore?" He says, looking shocked. "Wow, I wouldn't believe it, even after everything you just said..."

"Just... don't do things like that!" I growl.

"You know..." he says, quieter. "We should probably talk about what happened on the roof the other day."

Oh, great. Now he's gonna make fun of me for that. "Look, I'm sorry." I say. "I made a mistake, I didn't know you didn't return my feelings, I'm sorry if I made you feel-"

"I wasn't talking to you when I said 'shut up', you know." he says. "I was talking to" he waves a hand. "myself, you know."

"Oh." There's an awkward silence, and he steps forward, closing the distance between us.

"The thing is, Chuuya, well," he looks like he's struggling for words. My heart is beating really fast in my chest. "You know, leaving the Port Mafia was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I beat myself up about it almost every day, I can't imagine what you went through after I left, but for years now..." he looks straight into my eyes. "I've liked you for years, you know."

I'm speechless. I'm on top of the moon. I don't know what to say, but I manage a "What?"

"I like you Chuuya. A lot."

I want to scream, to jump up and down, to punch a hole in the wall. I want to tell him I love him too, to wrap my arms around him and kiss him. Luckily, he helps with the last part.

Before I know what's happening, our arms are wrapping around each other, and he leans down.

"Thanks for everything." he whispers. "I love you."

And then he kisses me. 

1350 words

A/N: *screams in gay* 

I hope you guys liked this chapter~

The voice in Dazai's head is actually kinda based off of me, although it's not as bad in my case. I kinda wish I had someone like Chuuya to tell me that kinda stuff tho lmao