You're My Sun - Soukoku

Chapter Seventeen

A/N: Thanks so much for 3k views, guys! :D 

Dazai pov

I've been awake for almost 2 hours now.

Of course, I have absolutely so desire whatsoever to talk to anybody right now, so I've been pretending to be asleep. It's worked so far.

Someone came in earlier and stood there for a minute before placing something on my nightstand. I peeked when they were gone. Flowers. Then, Akutagawa and Atsushi just entered the room, spitting some nonsense about how they hoped I was ok. Why are you talking to me, I'm supposed to be unconscious, remember?

They leave the room and the door clicks behind them. I'm about to settle down and try to actually fall asleep when the door opens again. I can't see because my eyes are closed, but from the footfalls and the careful demeanor, I know exactly who it is. Ok, why the hell is he here?

Chuuya sits down in the chair next to my bed with a sigh. I consider popping my eyes open and yelling "surprise!" but he starts talking.

"Dazai-" He pauses for a minute. "Dazai, I know you can't even hear me right now, so everything I'm saying is pointless. I'm here because- because I care about you a lot." I'm sorry, what? I feel him pick up one of my hands, which I do my best to keep limp, and trace patterns into my palm. It tickles a little. "I'm sorry if I ruined everything between us," he goes on, "if there ever was anything there, by asking you out. It won't happen again. I hope you're gonna be ok. I'm scared for you."

There's a pause. I want to throw myself at him, to tell him I love him and we should run away together. I feel him slowly start to stand up, his fingers slipping from mine. Not yet. I tighten my grip on him and open my eyes, staring up at his shocked face.

"Wait." I say, surprised at how raspy my own voice sounds. "Stay."

"You were awake the whole time?! What the hell??!!" he yells, slapping me on the arm. I wince a little.

"I was gonna go to sleep, I just had to see what my little slug was going to say." I chuckle weakly.

He sits back down. "What happened?" He asks softly. "Why would you do that?"

I think back to a few nights ago, the voice in my head, the knife in my hands. I shudder, dropping his gaze. We sit there for a minute.

"Do you wanna... talk about it?" He asks. I nod, but no words come out. He sighs. "You're clearly not ready to talk. Look, right now I just want you to focus on getting better, ok?" he cups the side of my face in his hand and forces my attention back to him. "When you feel ok, I'm here if you need me. To talk." I nod again and he drops his hand. "I'm sorry about the other day." he says quietly. "On the roof. We can talk about that too."

"You..." I say, but I can't find any other words.

He sighs. "Just get better, ok?" He puts his hands in his pockets, looks at me one more time, and then he's gone.

A minute later, Atsushi and Akutagawa rush in again.

"You're awake!" Atsushi says, beaming. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright." I say, barely recognizing my own voice.

"I hope you can get better soon." Akutagawa looks at me, then at the floor. Atsushi squeezes his hand. Well, that's new. I raise an eyebrow at them. Atsushi turns bright red and Akutagawa's glare at the floor intensifies.

"Uuuuum, well we have something to tell you, Dazai..." Atsushi rubs the back of his neck.

"Do you, now?" I ask, amused.