Leavitt Stafford and the Awful, Terrible, Not Very Nice Plan.

Chapter the Twenty-Third: The Tea Party

Queen Victoria, as expected, could not outrun the beam. It had seized her the moment she had stumbled over a rather large decorative rock. It had also caused a most peculiar sensation to spread across her body, a sensation which was as though she were floating upwards through water, but through which she could feel the air blowing against her skin. The beam was torrid as though she were standing beside the flames of an oven, although, considering her station and how utterly spoiled the British royal family were, and still are, I can imagine her having never stood beside a flaming oven in her life, for the servants would have carried out such a task in her stead.

At the moment which we currently observe, Queen Victoria sat directly beneath the midpoint of an immense glass dome in bewilderment. All about her, the eyes of the most truly bizarre motley crew she had ever seen gawped at her: multiple creatures with ginormous eyes as black as the contents of an ink pot, their limbs shiny and possessing the flexibility of boiled spaghetti, and their skin colours displaying every hue of the rainbow imaginable stood about her. These were creatures which had never before been spied upon earth, aside from some films from more modern times which you, the reader, may be more familiar with. More bizarre than those alien creatures, however, were the horses which accompanied them, and which also gawped at her.

"I demand to be returned home!" Queen Victoria cried, although clearly rather ineffectually.

One of the alien creatures stepped forth, its iridescent skin glimmering perilously. It reached its long, slimy fingers towards Queen Victoria, causing her to scream and recoil. "Didn't I already tell you I'd force you to join my tea party either way?" it enquired in a most dreadfully flippant tone.

"I do not wish to participate! As soon as I discover who caused such lunacy, I shall be informing the police!"

"And what are they gonna do?" the alien smirked, exposing its jagged blue teeth. "Let's be honest, Queen Vic, nobody's gonna believe a word of this. In fact, they'll probably think you're crazy."

Queen Victoria opened her mouth to protest, and she closed it again. The alien was correct; nobody would believe a word of it! Instead of speaking, she chose to glare at the alien.

"You remind me of someone when you look at me like that," the alien mused. "Funny little man, clearly on the autism spectrum. Not that you'd know what that is, like."

"Cease this foolishness!"

"No." The alien sauntered towards one of the horses and leaned upon it. "Oh, by the way, I ought to mention that I'm not actually an alien. Well, I suppose you could consider me an alien, but not the sort of alien you're looking at. You see, I'm a god, but I'm using an animatronic because I can't be arsed to get off my sofa. All the other things around me that look like this animatronic are aliens, though."

"This is blasphemy!" Queen Victoria shrieked, unsure of how to comprehend all else that had exited the alien's mouth. "You must seek Jesus!"

"Jesus is busy right now," Zeus explained nonchalantly. "He's helping to organise a pride parade in Heaven. Did you know that he's aroace?"

"What in Heaven's name is a pride parade? And what is the meaning of "aroace"?"

"A pride parade is where loads LGBTQ people gather to celebrate their queerness, and aroace is where you neither want to date anyone nor think of how sexually attracted you are to anyone."

Queen Victoria sighed, having not fathomed a single word which this peculiar being had uttered. "I wish to return to Windsor Castle! I am a god-fearing woman, and I simply cannot allow such sacrilege!"

"How many times, Queen Vic? I told you I'd force you to come here either way, so why don't you take a seat and enjoy your tea?" As Zeus uttered these words, the wall of horses and aliens parted, revealing a line of chairs which may bring school assemblies to the mind of you, the reader, but which appeared most bizarre to Queen Victoria.