Confession of A Drug Addict

Chapter 4

Green eyes; gazing at me from the other side, watching my movements, my decisions; everything that I do. I was being judged. I wanted to mutter a few words, but none came out. I was nothing but a toddler, hence articulating at the time wasn't my strong suit. Though I remember the feeling vividly, being observed by the very same green eyes that gave me mine.

The man muttered words in German, too little of my understanding, he probably meant 'wasn't good enough', or perhaps, 'not what I wanted'.

I just remembered. I was crying. I was crying as I felt those gazes on me. The feeling of exposure to that of a child, the pressure of being pushed to the limit. I felt those. In that little glass box, I was in, being observed by numerous scientists from every corner. The whole environment, everything around me was about; me.

I cried. I cried and cried hoping that someone, anyone would hear me out of the torment of the mad scientist. I crawled towards the edge of the glass, drawing my face near it; wanting to see my vague reflection. Except that it wasn't my face. It was Hayden's.

"No!"

I screamed out loud, panting heavily as I woke up. I was drenched in sweat, as I looked around my environment, taking a little time adjusting on what happened. Panicked started to kick in when I finally realized where I was. I was in my bathroom.

My eyes started to examined my surroundings. Morphine powder scattered on the bathroom floor, with my snuff straw laid on top of the toilet seat, drowned under a thick layer of morphine powder that dispersed outside the plastic holder. A cry was heard in the background. The cry that was similar in my dream. The cry of a child. Realization suddenly struck in me like a lightning.

"Hayden." I muttered under my breath.

Quickly I got up, but I started to fall back again. My head felt spinning, like an egg being scrambled. Fuck. Fuck me. What time is it? Did I overdose? What happened? Harmony and Ramie, are they back yet? All these questions came flooding in as I tried to get back on my feet.

As soon as I finally managed to get a hold of my feet, I swiftly made a run towards the crying child. Where is he? Where did I leave him? The complexity of me, judging myself to be a bad father ran through my mind as I was searching for him in the house.

It was hard for me to focus, as my head was throbbing frantically. I made my steps towards his room, and it was empty. I started to panic.

"Hayden, where are you buddy?" I called out to him, and only made his cry a lot louder.

Then I went downstairs, and there he was, in the living room, in front of the television covered with spilt milk, crying while holding his stuffed panda bear.

"Fuck me." I cursed myself.

I ran up to him, didn't care that my head was throbbing hysterically, and scooped him up in my arms, holding him like my life was depending on it. My life was depending on it.

"I'm sorry." I said, trying to hold back tears. "I'm so sorry baby." I kissed him multiple times, hating myself for neglecting my own child.

I looked up at the wall clock, it was a quarter passed 4pm. Harmony and Ramie will be back in forty-five minutes. I needed to get shit done. I needed to clean up my own mess.

I just remembered what happened. I left. We left. The baby social club. I didn't stay because Hayden wouldn't stop crying. Then we went home, and he still wouldn't stop crying. I gave him a baby bottle, cuddled with him on the couch while patting him to sleep to stop him from crying. He fell asleep, and I went upstairs, feeling scared for my little boy on inheriting my engineered genetics. Then I took morphine to escape from my massive paranoia.