CHRISTIAN GAY

5

Adam's POV:
I just couldn't get myself off the bed, even though it was almost time for dinner. My heart was pounding and my palms were sweaty. I felt uneasy and so anxious of what life could unfold to me. I didn't know how I slept off, but my sleep wasn't the best. All through my sleep, my mind was busy. Subconsciously, I just couldn't stop thinking about how fun it'll be to be gay and hating myself for having such thought. My mind became a battleground. I didn't know which was right for me to choose.

I started challenging my belief about being gay. I remembered Reuben's expression about my belief on gayism:

"What I think is that life is not restricted to some 'societal standards or views'.

And I started wondering what was my basis for hating gayism. It's not hard to find. Because, my Dad is a pastor. And it'll be a scar and shame to him, if his only son turns out to be gay - something he is publicly against. I never wanted to be an eyesore. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm living my life to the fullest, because I tend to always live to please my parents. Take for example, my Mum -

"Adam! Food is ready!", She called from downstairs and breached my line of thought.

I've not been so troubled to the point that I won't eat, but honestly, I've lost my appetite. I wonder why. But, I just have to go downstairs and take my food so as not to raise questions and suspicions. My Mum is the least of all person I would want to open up to.

She's always concerned, though. But, she doesn't have the right answers.  And she judges things based on her 'old-school' point of view. I remember vividly, the other day, when a close female friend came visiting. That was the day I missed school, and she wanted to update me on what they learnt in school while I was absent.

My mum started showing certain gestures that were kind of appealing but suspicious. Evelyn felt uncomfortable. There's this part where she asked for her name.

"Evelyn, ma."

My mum smiled. "Evelyn. What a beautiful name. In short, Eve, right?"
She winked at me in a furtive way, but Evelyn could read everything. Evelyn later told me how my mum made her feel as if she's my fiancée with all the questions she started asking later on. And she said:

"It's fine being your girlfriend though, but the wife thing is too far. One thing at a time, y'know."

I chuckled.

"So you wanna be my girlfriend, but you don't want to marry me?", I teased her. But, it seems she took it serious.

"No now. But, things should be done one after the other.", She tried to explain.

"Adam! Your food is getting cold!", My Mum called again and she jolted me out of my thoughts. I sighed.

"I'm coming, ma!", I responded and stood up, groping for the light switch. When I switched on the light, I put on my cardigan because of the cold and went downstairs.

My Dad was almost done with his food, but my Mum stopped eating when she saw me approaching the table. I didn't like the stare though. It makes me feel suspicious of myself. Then, a thought flashed in. Could it be that she knows I'm gay?  No! It can't be! God have mercy on my soul at this moment or else I'll die.

"Why did you take so long? You missed the prayers.", She won't stop looking at me. She was expecting an answer.

"I'm sorry, ma.", I had no explanation to give.

The whole period spent at the dining table was silent. At least, for me. Mum and Dad still talked, but not so loud in a way that I could get involved. I never wanted to get involved though. I battled with the urge in me to finish my food in a hurry and maintained decorum.

When I was done eating, my Mum led us in prayer and we all went to sleep. I didn't sleep though. Not until I gave up thinking.

***********

The next morning came so quickly. Last night felt like an hour ago. I got dressed for school and joined my Dad outside, since my school is along the route to his office. Everything went smoothly until the first class for the day started. I was listening to Mr. Green until I felt like something was missing.

There was this nostalgic feeling eating me up and then it dawned on me. Reuben. Normally, I would be annoyed by the thought, but this time I was happy. It felt so good. I started craving to see him so badly. The teacher was still at the front of the whole class, speaking audibly that everyone in class could hear, but I couldn't grasp anything. I only had Reuben on my mind.

I started feeling anxious and I kept on wondering what could be keeping him waiting. I wanted to go out. As if the whole scenario was working with my thoughts, the class was dismissed. I hopped out of the class and there was he. He looked so handsome and I didn't know when I had my arms wrapped around his neck and we kissed...

...and I jerked awake.

It was a dream. More like a nightmare. A romantic nightmare. I heaved a sad sigh after propping my head on my pillow. I couldn't sleep anymore, not until I satisfy my Christian instincts to pray against every unacceptable dream. I had to tag it as 'unacceptable' because it wasn't 'bad' but I can't accept it.

Ugh. Who said it's not bad? What's going on with me?

I decided to pray the dream off. Just when I closed my eyes, I felt pangs of guilt within me. Thoughts were rushing in, like someone was throwing them all at me in large quantities. Thoughts of feeling gay, thoughts of whether God would ever allow me to be gay in His Presence. I felt so base that I couldn't pray any longer.

I decided not to pray again and then another battle started. I felt like shouting. Ah! I was perplexed. I started wondering where I got it all wrong. I never chose to be gay. I never wanted to. But, my heart seems to have been perverted when I was ignorant of that possibility.

Who do I have to blame for this? I pondered on this question. I wanted to find out what could be the reason I became gay. My heart kept on pounding every time the word 'gay' crossed my mind. I still couldn't believe I'm having this conversation with myself. Whatever. I need to get to the bottom of this. You only know the solution of a problem when you know the cause.

After series of arguments with myself, I concluded it must be the feelings of loneliness. I had always felt lonely since I was the only child. And my parents are not like my mates that I could have some kinds conversations with.

My Dad gets easily annoyed whenever I don't seem to follow his beliefs about controversial or sensitive issues. My Mum, doesn't feel comfortable discussing sexual matters. I'm a Generation Z but they are Millennials. Somehow, we seem to be wide apart though I came from their bowels.

The sad truth? Their teachings rubbed off on me somehow without me having concrete or justifiable understanding of what I'm doing. It's sad because I only do it because they said so, not because I want to. And anytime I try to do things my own way, I've got this inner critic who would condemn me to death.

No wonder it got to a point I started questioning everything I had believed. I don't think I even know who God is. They've always said God is a Supreme Being of Love, but I don't seem to know Him as such on an interpersonal level.

I feel like He never gets pleased, no matter how hard I try. I try to read my Bible everyday, but I've never felt the comfort of being able to do what it says. I pray, but I feel like God is faraway. I sing in Church but I do wonder if He ever appreciates my voice, regarding how impure I am.

Talking about impurity... I heard the cock crow and I realized it was dawn and we'll soon gather for devotion. I tried to catch some sleep before Mum would come knocking at my door.

Talking about impurity uhn? 🙂 Yeah, that will be treated in another chapter.
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