CHRISTIAN GAY

15

Adam's POV:
I felt more present in class than the previous ones and considering how weird and lost I've been feeling at recent times. It's nice to have friends. They really know how to turn things around and not leave you on the ground. If I'm to say, I was at a ground state.

I would have had it all easy and not get my chest pump faster than it would, if not for Reuben who showed up again.

I felt relieved after my conversation with Evelyn and I even felt like it was worth than the time I had with the Counselor. It kind of lifted me up and I feel motivated to 'face tomorrow'.

I was whistling something like a song, since I couldn't even tell what it was. I wanted to sing a song or at most, whistle the melody, but I don't know the song to fit into the moment. All I've known are church songs and I just wanted something to express how I feel at the moment and not necessarily religious or 'churchy'.

The bell rang. It was time to leave for home. Normally, I would have just pack my books and be among the first to leave the classroom. But, I decided to wait behind and just spend a little time alone, before going home.

I heaved a sigh and I brought out a book from my bag and opened to the back page. I took my pen from my right pocket and started doodling on the book. I didn't want to attract anybody's attention and make them think I'm thinking about something or maybe I look worried. And that helped me to make it not seem as if I was wasting time while I stay back.

I was about getting more focused on my thoughts and doing less of doodling when I felt a pat on my left shoulder.

"Hey."

I looked up and my heart skipped, though not as vehement as it sounds. I didn't expect him to come around. I sighed and made myself comfortable on my seat.

"What's up?", He asked in a hush tone.

"Good. It's good.", I said.

"What's good?", He seemed curious and there was a slight rise in his intonation.

"Umm... I wonder.", I shrugged. Actually, I didn't know what to give as an answer to that. I'm in a desperate situation and I'm just trying to find myself and what's good for me, so, I wonder.

He chuckled. "Really? I thought you knew what was good for you."

"Good for me?", I wonder what he was driving at. This time, we were the only ones left in the classroom.

"Yeah.", He nodded and dragged a chair behind him and sat to face me.

"Reuben, I don't understand what you mean."

"Come on. Don't take this too far. I was just curious. Are you okay though?"

"Do I look like I'm not?"

He paused for a moment. "Yes."

"Wow. I guess you've known me too well.", I shook my head and tilted my head to the side.

"So, what's the problem?", He stretched his hand and held my right hand gently. As much I hate to admit, I felt slightly nervous at the touch and I started wondering if my emotions are mine or for someone else.

"Nothing.", I withdrew my hand.

"You sure?"

"Actually, about last time, I want to say..."

"So, it's about last time?", He cut me short.

"Let me finish. It wasn't about last time. At least, not really. But, I'm sorry for how everything turned out. It was just too much for me and I'm just trying to find myself right now."

He sighed. "I knew it."

"What?"

"Never mind. But let me do this with you. You can't just bear this alone, but I know how you feel and I should be the one to help."

I didn't know what to say. I kept quiet for a while and finally found my voice.

"Why do you think so? Why do you want to do this with me?"

"Apparently, I...I don't know how to say this but...shit!", He seemed to be angry with how he couldn't express himself.

I held his hand and rubbed it gently. I guess it's my turn this time. He mumbled a Thank You.

"So, what's the issue?"

He rubbed his chest with his arm and in a relaxed posture, he said:

"I know how you feel and I seem to feel the same way, for you. So, let me help because I can't bear seeing you distressed."

I became short of words. His words melted my chest and even though it was silly in my mind, I wanted to go hug him and hold him tight. I shook my head and hid my face in my palm.

"Is that okay by you?", He asked.

"Wait.", I needed to catch my breath. These things were happening to fast and I like to take things slow, so I'm finding it difficult to cope. "Can I ask you a question?", my palms muffled my voice.

He nodded eagerly.

"Are you a Christian?" I was certain he didn't see that question coming. He chuckled.

"Is that your question?"

I didn't reply and I stared at the desk blankly.

"I wonder what you want to achieve with that but, if you are asking...infact, do I look like I'm not Christian?"

I raised up my head and shrugged.

He scoffed.

"I know it may sound weird but I just have to know you better, don't you think? I have to know if we are on the same page, if you are going to do this with me. Two can't walk together except they agree right?", I raised my eyebrows and peered at him.

"Yeah."

"I have tons of questions to ask and I think with you by my side and I can have clarity on them. Since last time, my mind had been a warzone and I just can't hold the conflict by myself, to be honest.", I didn't take my eyes off him.

"I'm all ears."

"Thank you. For that. But, I need to know where you stand with me on this. Are we facing the same direction?", I felt humbled and sober.

"What do you mean?", He seemed confused.

"If you are Christian, then whose doctrine do you follow?"

"I still don't get you.", He shook his head.

"Reuben", I stretched my hand across the table and held his right hand, "I know you know how I feel, and I can't deny this deadly thing inside of me, but are we supposed to yield to it?"

He shrugged and scoffed. "If we don't yield to it, then what do we do? Suffering in silence without finding expression? We didn't make ourselves like this, remember?"

"Yes, I know but...", He cut me short. Again.

"But, this is the real question and I'll throw it back to you. If we don't yield to what we feel and yearn for, then what do we yield to?"

"God!", My voice echoed across the classroom and I found out how loud I was. I just had so much to say but I couldn't say that word quietly. It felt like an outlet for me at that point.

He was quiet for awhile. I guess he was probably shocked by how I responded and what I said. He must have been dumbfounded.

I sighed and my eyes were moistened with tears again.

Thanks for reading!
Please let me know what you think in the comments. I'm just trying to get my act together on this book. I believe God has a lot to do with it. I'm just a vessel, and I don't think I'm so good with this. So, thanks for reading again.