CHRISTIAN GAY

10.

Adam's POV:

I wonder what is happening to me. I wonder if this is part of the tribulations that Jesus promised. Did He promise it or this is just life happening? I can't tell.

I'm a typical Conservative by reason of birth. And that changes everything. There are certain boundaries I can't trespass, one of which my sexuality has to do with it. I can't help but wonder my Dad's reaction if when he expects me to show him my to-be wife and I'm bringing in a gay mate. Or, I try to explain to him that the reason for my inability to bring a mate, of the opposite sex, is because I'm gay.

I sighed and chuckled. Who would I say my father is?

My eyes moistened with tears. I got scared. Scared of what the future holds for someone like me. I hated myself that instant and wished I could go to my past and change things.

I searched myself to find out what exactly in my life could have allowed me to turn out to be who I am now. I couldn't find any.

I know I'm not perfect. But, my imperfection is not the vilest to the point of turning me to be a 'condemned soul', 'cause I'm helpless. I can't help being attracted to a guy. Ah!

"Adam, it's all right."

I almost forgot Reuben was still in the room with me. I got lost in my thoughts.

He tried to give me a rub on the shoulder but I shrugged him off. Everything made me feel guilty and dirty. Accepting his hug or rub would potentially mean I'm in support of an homosexual relationship and that I'm in love with him.

The idea of having feelings for him gives me a sick pang in my tummy. It's not as if I don't feel the same way but... No! This can't be happening!

"Adam...", He spoke in low tone.

I nodded.

He sighed and stood up. I couldn't look him in the face.

"I think I'll take my leave."

I nodded again.

He took a few steps towards the door and stopped. I had my eyes fixed on nothing in particular as I stared blankly at the floor.

He said, “I know this may be hard to accept for somebody like you but I want you to see it this way: You didn’t make yourself this way. God did. So, why beat yourself up?”

He shrugged and turned the door knob. As he stepped out of the room, he spoke in a husky tone:

“You don’t have to beat yourself up. Just accept who you are and you’ll find peace and happiness.”

He left afterwards. I lied down flat on the floor, facing up and stared at the ceiling. My mind was troubled. Thoughts of despair filled my mind and I started wondering if I would end up as an outcast – since no one would accept my sexuality. Put better, my parents or anyone who is a Christian.

Then it clicked.

Christian? What if there are other Christians like me? I couldn’t stand the thought of having fellow queer individuals like myself, who are professing Christians. I stood up and grabbed my phone from my bed. I tried to search online to confirm if there were any other gay persons or groups online.

I found a few websites and social media accounts dedicated for the LGBT community. My heart skipped. I wasn’t expecting so much. But, what didn’t sit well with me was the fact that these people are most likely, non-believers in the Christian faith. I am different.

If I had been a non-believer, this wouldn’t have been a pain as it is now. Maybe, I would have started dating Reuben. I rolled my eyes and chuckled to myself. Way to perdition.
I decided to see if there were Christians like myself on the Internet. I was shocked by what I saw.

Although there were not so much websites related to anything gay and Christianity, but the fact that there would be any at all surprised me. But I seemed to like it, because it made it obvious that I wasn’t the only Christian who, probably, is queer.

I saw different point of views and arguments raised by certain Christians about Gayism. People had different opinions and they were into factions where one was either supporting or condemning Gayism in its full sense. I clicked on one of the sites with the title: Is it okay to be Gay as a Christian? …

It had submissions from Christians from various denominations and backgrounds that reflected their beliefs as regards to the topic. A lot of them didn’t support being gay, and that was depressing. But a few of them weren’t so judgmental like the others. They even supported Gay Marriage in the Church and had their reasons. From their submissions, I could deduce that they were Queer, except for one who claimed to be an Ally.

I closed the page and checked another site. This was owned by a body of Christians who are either Queer themselves or are in support of the LGBT community. The more I surfed the Internet, the more I had a perturbing experience. It didn’t seem to help me at all, since it was hard to choose between the various arguments.

You could read a convincing argument supporting gayism, and read another biblical apologetic’s view the next minute and feel utterly condemned. I dropped my phone on my bed and rested my head on my pillow as I lied down.