Fatherhood | Vegas Theerapanyakul

Special Chapter 3

TW: self-harm ; depression ; homophobia

What...

What just happened...?

Slowly, my eyes saw a bright light. I wanted to close my eyes back back, but I'm not even sure if it was already open. I could see blurry figures walking back and forth in front of me, but I couldn't recognize who they were. I heard voices, but all were just ringing, like none of the words they were saying made any sense at all. But I knew it was just my brain disagreeing.

I know, of course. I'm not stupid.

Maybe I was just hoping to prove myself wrong.

Longing for the attention I know I'll never have without my last name.

Maybe a part of me wanted to have what everyone had.

Maybe Vegas was right. Maybe Pa was right.

I'm scared if I open my eyes I'll be disappointed, I'm scared if I open my eyes I'll be facing the consequences of my actions. I'm scared, Dad. I'm so scared.

I've been in my head for so long, running away from all my problems and responsibilities; thinking the way to keep myself sane is having another person in my life, thinking what I'm doing is the best way to keep me normal, stable.

"He's too young to be thinking about how he's gonna spend his tomorrow! He's supposed to be thinking who he's going out with on his first day of school, I don't want him to grow up like I did!"

That's what someone in my life would always say, never knowing I hear every single word. Something I choose to not see, they're the real ones who wants nothing but the best for me.

But a part of me wishes they mess up, wishes they just throw me out. I just want to be normal, someone without any of these problems. Complicated problems.

I am Venice Theerapanyakul-Saengtham, one of the most respected and feared family, yet the most powerless and vulnerable.

I finally had the strength to open my eyes. Everything hurts, my body aches, my head turns, my ears were ringing nonstop. Then I saw her, she was sleeping on the couch just in front of the bed I occupied. Everything still hurts.

I turned my head to the side, nothing.

They're not around?

Fuck it, it hurts so bad.

I have no idea where the pain was coming from. Everything just ached, it hurts so bad. I needed someone to touch me, make me feel something else than the pain in my system. I just wanted to forget this emotion ever existed.

"Oh, goodness! N'Venice, you're awake!" Slowly, my eyes met P'Lac's worried ones. She held my hand carefully while pressing the button that called the nurses. "How are you feeling? Oh my God, I should call your— oh..." She stopped and just walked towards my mother sleeping and woke her up.

I was expecting a lot. I was expecting she hug me, she ask me how I was, just like how P'Lac acted. But there wasn't anything. She was in a rush, but she didn't really have any feeling. She was just... there. Physically.

I closed my eyes feeling another surge of headache, body ache.

"Dad..." I mumbled as I felt so helpless.

Mom glanced at me and frowned, "Your Dad's dead, dear. Did you dream of him?"

No... He's not... Fuck it, what's happening?!