By Chance

46 - Harry

I sat in my room at my computer, trying another attempt at editing. I was more successful this time, but still, my mind drifted off to the girl that mattered more than the world to me. Just as I was about to give up, I heard a knock at my door. I immediately knew who it was.

"We need to talk," she announced as soon as I opened the door, taking the liberty of stepping past me and into my room. But I didn't care much.

"I know," I told her with a sigh.

"I don't know how to say this without just jumping in. My dad was an alcoholic, you probably already know that from what Sam said earlier," she began. A daze washed over me. From earlier? What did she mean when she said 'from earlier'? I thought as she continued to talk. "My mom and I left him when I was eight. Last night, when I said that- that you didn't ever say you loved me, that wasn't about you. It just came out. I realized that was something my mom said to my dad when I was little. I didn't even know I remembered it until it hit me like a truck during our argument. That's why I freaked out."

My mind spun. I needed to get something straight before she went on but when I opened my mouth no words came out. Besides, she was talking too fast to even get a word in if I had tried.

"Like I said, I didn't know it was something that even happened. I was so young that the memory must've stored itself in my subconscious and I didn't know it until I said it. That's no excuse for saying what I said. I feel awful. In fact, there's a lot of things I feel awful for," she admitted, releasing a hollow laugh that broke my heart.

"And as for freaking out after sex, that was a mix of a whole lot of things. I suppose I should start from the beginning. I know this won't make up for me keeping this from you and telling others before I told you, but just hear me out first before you get more mad." She took a deep breath, telling me this was going to be a long story. "When I was little, I didn't realize that certain words my dad always said to my mom or ways he touched her were actually his way of abusing her. She always kept a straight face when I would walk in on an argument or when he was about to get her to do something that he was too plastered to even realize he was doing. To realize later that those odd instances that I walked in that never made sense in my little-kid brain were times he abused her was the hardest thing I've ever had to live with discovering. I talked to my mom about it, and numerous therapists but nothing ever seemed like enough. I wasn't a depressed kid, but I had a legitimate reason to be, and that was depressing in and of itself.

"My whole childhood was a wreck. My mom said that we needed to get out so I had a shot at a normal life, and even though parts were normal after we left, pieces of me just never seemed to fit into the whole puzzle. I never dated when all the kids in my school started getting to the stage where hooking up was a day-to-day phrase in their vocabulary. I never drank when people asked me to. I never went to parties. I always knew all the exits of wherever I was. I never liked sitting with my back turned to people because I couldn't see them. Sure, I never experienced the abuse first-hand, but it made me scared because I actually could've and it would've been normal.

"Every time a guy over the age of 30 sits by me I freak out. Many are fine, but I'm always on the lookout for those that aren't. It took me a long time to be able to drink, and actually, that time I drank wine with Sam was the first time I had ever drunk alcohol at all. I never drank in public because I didn't want to risk letting down my guard and letting something happen to me, so I just didn't drink at all. It took me a long time to grasp the fact that I'm not my dad if I drink. I'm my own person and have control over how much I drink and how I let it affect me. But I'm still not sure if I believe it."

Her mouth flew a thousand miles per hour and it was nearly impossible to keep up with all the questions circling my head.

"The reason I waited so long to have sex with you is because I was scared of the fear of abuse. I knew it would never happen with you, which is why I consented, but it was the aftershock that got to me. It was just like when I realized later on that the abuse could've happened but it didn't. Like I said, of course, I know and knew at the time that you would never, ever abuse me like that or at all, but I still had fear from that childhood trauma. The reason I waited so long was not only because I was scared, it was because I didn't want to freak out and make you think that I didn't love you or something because that wasn't and won't ever be the case. But that's exactly what happened. I freaked out. I think part of it was because I had lost my virginity and didn't know what to do with that information at all, but I think the main part was because I was scared of the what-if's.

"I never told you any of this because I knew it would take a toll, and now more than ever I wish I had. I told Sam before you because I just needed to let it out and have someone who would tell me it was all going to be okay rather than someone who would ask me why I didn't tell them in the first place. I know that it wasn't fair, and I only went with the girls today so I could figure everything out, and I did, but I still told them everything before you. And I feel really guilty about that. You should've been the first person I ever told. Not the last. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop apologizing for that, and I know that you'll forgive me, but I know that it's going to take time."

She inhaled, visibly trying to keep her cool and not tear up.

"I hope you can eventually forgive me and we can move past this because all the girls said that their giant arguments with their boyfriends- Harrison, Tom, and David, Charlotte's boyfriend- helped them get to where they are in their healthy relationships today. I know we can move past this, I just need to know that you're okay. You can still be mad, you have every right to be, but-"

I grabbed her face, kissing her forcefully. She set her hands at my waist after a few moments of shock passed. We parted and she stared at me in surprise.

"What was that for?"

"Marry me, Genevieve."