Pennyroyal Tea [k. cobain]

sixteen

Kurt

I didn't know how I'd live without her.

I was gutted by our decision, even though I knew it was the right one. The last day had been magical and I only wished it could have been real.

She'd woken up in my arms and I had to resist the urge to kiss her. We cried in each other's arms and as much as I wanted to beg her to make love one last time, I didn't. I didn't want to break her heart. If felt like I already was.

Now I was stuck attending this stupid fucking photo shoot. I dreaded this shit like the plague. I could never get comfortable with seeing my photograph, no matter how many fucking places my face was plastered these days.

Kelsi and I were careful to arrive separately. She looked impossibly poised and professional which was more than I could say for Dave, Krisr and I.

Fortunately we were allowed to wear our own clothes. The photographers were interested in "genuine grunge style" whatever the fuck that meant.

They posed us and posed us, snapping photo after photo. Krist and Dave kept acting like real obnoxious jerks and interrupting the photographer.

Tiffanie was off to the side snapping "behind the scenes" photos of us, and Kelsi was diligently taking notes. I wondered what she'd say about me.

I was completely heartbroken that I couldn't have Kelsi. But there was Courtney who I was sort of seeing. She was beautiful and fun. I loved her bold personality and spirit. But she wasn't Kelsi. Still, if I couldn't have Kelsi, I wanted to have someone. I couldn't throw away everything I had started with Courtney just because of Kelsi. At least that's what I kept telling myself.

I was shocked as shit when Courtney showed up at the photo shoot. But I shouldn't have been. She was unpredictable and it was one of the things I really liked about her.

"Hey baby!" She greeted me grandly, swooping in and kissing me quickly. All I could see were Kelsi's eyes, wide as saucers, staring at me. I felt immense guilt.

"Hey sweetheart," I said softly to Courtney, admiring her beautiful eyes and long blonde hair. Off to the side, Tiffany was snapping photos of us. I wanted to tell her to fuck off. Kelsi was now writing furiously in her notebook. I could only imagine what about.

Mercifully the photo shoot ended after about two hours, which wasn't bad. We had a good bit of time before our show that evening. Maybe I'd catch a nap.

"Hey babe?" Courtney called to me.

"Yeah, hun?"

"I was going to go shopping for the afternoon. I'll be back in time for your show?"

"Sounds good, sweetheart." I answered. "I think I'm going to catch a nap. I'll see you tonight." I gave her a quick kiss.

"Bye, baby."

I turned to walk back into the hotel when I was abruptly stopped.

"Kurt. Donald. Cobain." Her voice was like ice. I turned around slowly. Kelsi glared at me with a face so full of hurt that all I could feel was shame.

I hung my head. I deserved every horrible word she was going to say to me.

"Who was that woman, Kurt?" She demanded. "You could have let me know you were seeing someone!"

"Kelsi," I begged. "Please. We aren't serious, I promise."

"It looked pretty serious to me, 'babe'" she mocked.

"You have no idea what you saw," I snapped.

"You're just trying to use me for sex, you sick asshole!"

"Kelsi, that's the last thing I'm doing. I promise."

"Yeah. It's the last thing you'll ever do," Kelsi answered bitterly. "Don't you try being my friend, Kurt. Fuck that. Just stay away from me for the rest of the assignment." I hung my head again. I didn't know what to say. So I turned and walked away without looking back.

The show went by in a blur. It wasn't one of our better performances. Dave was off and Krist kept fucking up. I was getting aggravated and by the end of the show I smashed my guitar. It probably wasn't smart since I needed to locate another one and I was pretty broke. But breaking it into pieces felt so good.

Courtney was back stage after the show waiting for me. Kelsi was watching from a distance too, and that Tiffany girl was snapping photo after photo.

"I thought I'd stay with you tonight," Courtney said loudly enough that I thought Kelsi could hear. I winced.

"I don't know. I'm pretty tired," I lied.

"C'mon babe. I'll make it worth your while," Courtney flirted. I felt incredibly uncomfortable having Kelsi hear.

"Okay," I muttered to shut her up.

"Want to head back now, sweetie?" She asked. I needed to get away from Kelsi's gaze.

"Let's go," I answered, taking Courtney's hand. I led her back to my room.

When I made love to her that night, I felt nothing. And that's when I knew I was really in trouble.