Pennyroyal Tea [k. cobain]

seventeen

Kelsi

I couldn't believe what had happened with Kurt. Everything felt like a dream, a bad dream—a nightmare.

Maybe I didn't have the right to be mad at Kurt for being in a relationship. After all, I hadn't seen him in years. Of course he could see whoever he wanted.

But he slept with me, I thought. He should have told me before we slept together because I wouldn't have slept with him, would have I?

God, why did I have to be in love with him? He was the most perfect specimen of a human being I had ever seen. He'd gotten even hotter than he used to be. And when we were together... it was nothing short of amazing. Still, we couldn't.

It was tearing me apart inside but I couldn't let it show. I had to be polished and professional, or at the very least, civil. I'd prefer if everything about Kurt and me stayed between us. But I feared the worst. How were we going to make this work for a whole tour?

I knew I should start working on my assignment, at least organizing my notes. The problem was, I barely had any notes yet. Nope, I'd spent most of the day scribbling I love Kurt Cobain and then crossing it out frantically. Great, so basically I was the equivalent of a teenaged fan. Embarrassing.

I sat on my hotel room bed and stared at the wall. It wouldn't be long now until I had to get ready to go to tonight's concert. I wished I didn't have to show, but I was allowed backstage passes to all of their shows for my assignment. God, what an amazing opportunity this was! It was too bad I was wasting it all worrying about Kurt Cobain.

It was almost time for the show to start. Everyone was hanging out backstage. I kept to myself, tucked away on a stool, taking actual notes this time.

"Hey," Dave greeted me with his signature grin.

"What's up, Dave?" I asked. He seemed nice and I wanted to know him better.

"Not much. You wanna come and actually hang out with us instead of sitting over here?"

"Thanks. But I'm okay right now. I'm just working."

"Okay, just wanted to make sure, man." Dave seemed like a genuinely really nice person.

I observed what was happening around me. Kurt was having a smoke, sitting at a little table and flicking his ashes into an empty soda can. Krist was chatting with some other folks I didn't know. Dave made his way back over to Krist. Shelli and Tiffany were sitting together, chatting and laughing while Tiffany took the occasional photograph. I felt the same twinge of jealousy again.

The noise of the opening act was slowly getting to me. I felt irritable.

Suddenly, the door burst open and a very flustered Courtney Love burst in.

"Kurt? Where's Kurt? Oh, there you are, honey!" I visibly rolled my eyes. Courtney swooped in and kissed Kurt. "I hope you have a great show, babe!"

"Thank you," answered Kurt quietly, smiling at her. Something about their interaction seemed off.

"Almost time to take the stage! Let's go!" Someone bellowed. Krist, Dave and Kurt were instantly on their feet, heading towards the stage. The rest of us waited in the wings.

I stood next to Tiffany who was next to Shelli. Unfortunately, Courtney stood on the other side of me.

"Hi, how's it going?" Courtney asked me.

"Oh, just fine," I answered, pretending to be busy with my notebook.

Nirvana started playing and for a while I was captivated just by listening. They were such a good band. Kurt's voice was phenomenal. They had so much energy. Finally I realized that I should jot down some notes, so I did.

Courtney kept waving to Kurt, trying to get his attention. It seemed to me that Kurt was ignoring her and I didn't blame him. The crowd out there was massive.

For the duration of the concert, Courtney Love stood next to me, being as obnoxious as a human being could possibly be. I was so glad when the show was finally over.

The guys exited the stage dripping in sweat.

"You guys were great!" I exclaimed.

"Thanks, Kelsi!" The next thing I knew, a very sweaty  Kurt threw his arms around me and gave me a huge hug. It was over before I could react.  I turned to walk away, unsure what to think, when I heard her roar.

"Why did you hug that girl?" Courtney glared daggers at me.

"I—I, listen Courtney, I was just excited about the show. She's an old friend. That's all."

"Well, quit hugging her!"

"Okay," Kurt mumbled, hanging his head. I could visibly see the sadness consume him. Poor Kurt.

No! No poor Kurt. He caused this. He slept with me when he was already in a relationship with her. He deserved whatever pain he got.

That night, when I finally got back to my room, I changed clothes and sank into my comfy bed. I desperately wanted to cry myself to sleep. I felt so miserable.

I was well into sobbing when I heard a knock at the door. I wondered who it could be this late. I tiptoed to the door and looked through the peephole.