Pennyroyal Tea [k. cobain]

nineteen

Kelsi

Kurt and I were doing a good job of sneaking around without anyone noticing.

It was exhilarating, being with him. Everything about this was so exciting. Well, everything except Courtney.

Kurt was really dragging his feet getting rid of her. It was making me feel a little insecure. When I tried to talk to him about it, he would brush it off.

One morning, we were snuggled in bed together.

"You'll be happy to hear that Courtney is leaving," Kurt told me. "She's got to go tour with Hole for a while."

"Tell her not to come back," I suggested boldly. Kurt's face fell.

"It's complicated, Kelsi," Kurt muttered.

"Is it really, Kurt? Or is it that you just don't want to do it?" I snapped more than I meant to, but this situation was really bothering me.

"I have to think about the band, and what the news will do to everyone," explained Kurt. It still didn't seem like a good excuse to me.

"I just think it would be easier to get it over with," I answered. I wanted to put this behind us.

"I'll handle it when the time is right," Kurt answered with finality. I sighed. "I'm sorry, Kelsi," Kurt added, brushing a hand through my hair.

"It's okay," I mumbled. Because it had to be. What other choice did I have?

We had to leave and hit the road for a few days, so Kurt and I wouldn't have any privacy for a while. I wrapped my arms around him in bed.

"I'm going to miss you the next few days," I said sadly.

"I'll miss you too, sweetheart," Kurt answered gently.

"See, if we just told everyone we wouldn't have to hide anymore," I pointed out.

"Not yet, Kelsi," Kurt said with finality. "I gotta get back to my room and pack up my shit before we leave," he added.

We kissed once before he left. I sure would miss him, but he drove me crazy sometimes.

On the bus, I caught up with Shelli and Tiffany. We sat down together to talk about work so far.

"I've gotten some really great candid shots of them," Tiffany explained, pulling out an envelope. Inside were a bunch of nice, snapshot photos of Nirvana. There was also one that made me really uncomfortable. It was Kurt and I sitting at a table together. We were leaning in very close over my notes. I wished the picture didn't exist. I thought that Kurt and I were hiding pretty well,  but that picture didn't look like it.

"These are really good, Tiffany," I told her. "I've been working on putting some writing together. I'm using the angle of, they're just regular guys like the rest of us."

"I really like that! My pictures fit with that!"

"Once we get a little further we can start laying out the article on my laptop."

"Okay, perfect." Tiffany smiled. I wasn't sure why I hadn't liked her. She actually seemed really nice right now.

Life on the bus was crowded and annoying. I spent a lot of time in my little bunk, looking over notes and trying to figure out my introduction to the piece.

I scarcely saw Kurt at all. He tended to sit around and chain smoke when we were traveling. I mostly avoided the common areas. I wasn't in the mood. I wanted Kurt back all to myself.

That night, we were stopped at a rest stop. It was well after dark and I wanted to get some fresh air. I left the bus. The night air was chilly and refreshing.

"Kelsi!" I would know his voice anywhere.

"Kurt?" I turned. Kurt was seated on a bench and he waved me over. I took a seat next to him.

"Smoke?"

"Thanks."

We both puffed on our cigarettes in silence.

"I'm going to tell her, Kelsi," Kurt said after a moment.

"Oh?"

"I can't stand being apart from you. I just want everyone to know so that our lives can be normal."

"That's great, Kurt."

"As soon as Courtney's back from her tour, I'll talk to her."

"You're waiting til then?"

"Well I want to do it in person. And I don't really want to wreck her tour."

"Okay," I answered. I personally couldn't care less what happened to Courtney's tour, but I understood Kurt's reasoning. Kurt reached over and grabbed my hand.

I scooted closer to him. I leaned my head onto his shoulder. I sure hoped no one saw us now, because I didn't care. This was the closest to Kurt I could get and I'd stay here all night if I could. Kurt showed no signs of wanting to move.

"I love you so much, Kelsi."

"I love you too, Kurt."

"I'm really happy we gave things another chance."

"I am too. I really am."

"Once things are settled and we can just be ourselves it will be way nicer."

"I know. I can't wait."

"Me either, darling. Soon, though. Soon."

I sat on that bench with Kurt until the sun rose. I didn't care about being sleepy or anything else. I could only think of him. He made no movement to leave me until the sky stated to get light.

"We'd better get back inside."

"Yeah, I think so."  Inside, everyone was still asleep. Hopefully they hadn't missed us. I tiptoed to my bed and fell into a deep slumber.