The Greatest Mind I Ever Knew

Chapter 34: I Hate Losing

Over the next few weeks Lotan and I didn't really speak about his mother again. I thought the hurtful things she'd said/done to Lotan that night after his show were behind us, but every day Lotan came home from work a little paler, a little more tired, and eventually, instead of simply not talking about his mum, we stopped talking altogether. There seemed to be a sort of darkness entering our house - as if Madame Dufont had spread venom into Lotan's veins when she scratched him. My husband became distant, and difficult, and determined to spend as much time away from people as he possibly could.
               Unfortunately I kept myself so busy over those few weeks that I barely had time to notice the distance building between us, until we were already so far apart even shouting couldn't help us understand each other. And even then I brushed the arguing off, simply labelling it 'married life'. Nonna had warned me on my wedding day that we would change now. Apparently it's inevitable. I just never expected us to change so much.
               During the summer months after our marriage I continued looking after Joshua, of course, but I also started preparing myself to return to ballet after the off-season. Lotan was working right through it this year, to get everything ready for 'The Dufont Symphony Orchestra', while I had to retrain my muscles and toughen my toes back up to dance for hours on end again. I'm not sure which of us had the more painstaking job! I must have spent 12 hours a day in our home ballet studio, spinning and leaping and sweating like a pig, all the while feeling aches and burns in parts of my body I'd never realised had become so unfit! Joshua loved watching me dance from his play mat, surrounded by soft toys and rattles and and books and, his favourite thing, a large metal spoon. He even bobbed his little bottom along to most of the songs I played: all Lotan originals, of course.
               But for all the work I was doing at home, Lotan was spending even more time at his new orchestra house. He left with the sunrise and returned home after dark every night. By 9pm I was ready for a hot bath and bed, while he was just sitting down at the piano onstage to write a new song!
               He performed a series of shows over the summer too. The intention was to advertise his orchestra even more, by playing the insanely skilled, insanely beautiful songs he'd composed recently, but most of them were played very late at night, or miles away from London, and three or four were played in different countries! So I couldn't always attend. I felt guilty: after all, I'd promised to always be in his audience to support him and cheer him on: but Lotan spent so little time with me that I had no idea how he felt about it. I could imagine he was disappointed, and I liked to think he missed seeing my smile of admiration at the end of his shows, but he never said so. He returned home far too tired to talk to me about anything; instead he just curled up in bed beside me and closed his eyes until the morning. I doubt he was sleeping.
               The only day of the week Lotan and I got to spend together was a Sunday. On those days we enjoyed going out as a family, taking Joshua to farms and parks and play centres and so on. Lotan's 22nd birthday fell on a Sunday too, thankfully, so we invited all our friends and family over for a bbq and game night to celebrate. It was a sunny, bright day. I had the pleasure of watching Lotan laugh and eat and chat with people again, while holding our happy little son in his arms (I'd bought them matching polo shirts and sun hats which made them look so adorable). But that evening he left our bed after making love to me and spent the night groaning about demons in the living room. The house was big but I heard him.

After that night our summer only got worse. Sundays became a so desperately needed rest day for Lotan and me that we stopped going out. Instead we had a lazy morning, a late breakfast, and I rested my aching feet while he read books with Joshua and taught him how to play with his toys. If we felt up to it we walked around our estate before dinner, but that was as adventurous as our lives became.
               I began to feel lonely. Lotan worked more and more, while I stayed cooped up at home all day long, only leaving the house to go shopping or take Joshua to 'mother and baby' groups. My entire life became parenting, and ballet. If I wasn't doing something for Joshua I was dancing. If I wasn't dancing I was doing something for Joshua. These two things may have been amongst my greatest passions, but I craved Lotan too. I craved a French kiss so amazing that I forgot who I was completely! I craved romantic dates, and a reason to dress up, and sex that lasted longer than five minutes because we weren't both exhausted!
               But every night was the same: dinner alone, and if I was especially unlucky, falling asleep alone. Mum continued her work with Lotan: the morning jogs, the afternoon counselling and evening exercises, but these only seemed to wear him out physically while his mind remained more active than a hamster on drugs.