The Greatest Mind I Ever Knew

Chapter 37: A Little Bit Of Grace

To my total surprise, Jonathan gave Lotan the green light to buy a new piano. We phoned him that same morning. I thought for sure the life coach would advise against it, knowing that fuelling an addict's cravings never helps them kick the addiction, but Jonathan actually seemed to think it was a good idea! In his words, 'Lotan, you'll never be able to stop playing as long as you're a composer for a living! It's unrealistic to expect you to turn your musical head on and off like a tap. However, you can put certain boundaries on yourself, like not playing at night, or during mealtimes, and so on. That way it shouldn't affect your home life with Olivia and Josh. And, Olivia, remember, recovery isn't all about denying one's self what you want. A little bit of grace goes a long way. Show Lotan he's strong enough to control himself, and he will be.'
               I had to agree with the older man, but deep down I knew already that if we bought a piano Lotan wouldn't be able to control himself around it; the 'demons' in his head would go straight back to forcing him to play all night long! And when his physical health was already so poor, how much worse could he afford to get?
               And yet, I also had to recognise that Lotan's mental health was worse now than it had ever been when he had a piano. He was more depressed and irritable than I'd ever seen him, and all because his musical freedom had been caged. He had to spend fourteen hours a day at the orchestra house because here, at home, with me and Joshua, he felt stifled! Because of me he was trapped. So, if I could free him again, and let him do what he thought was best, maybe he'd be saved from his sickness. Right?

Two days later Lotan visited our GP for a full health checkup. Two days after that, his new piano arrived.
               'Now, remember,' I told Lotan quickly, once he'd shaken hands with the delivery men who'd helped move the shiny grand piano into our ballet studio, 'the doctor said you need to rest, so don't play it too much, alright? And,' he started back into the house from the driveway but I fluttered around him like a bee, buzzing, 'and remember, Jonathan said you shouldn't play it during mealtimes or at night because you can't let it distract you, and, and I still want you to try and spend at least one day each week with me and Joshua, and -'
'Olivia.' Lotan interrupted tiredly, walking into the ballet studio and stopping beside the piano. 'Please, my love, I know this.'
               I sighed and let my shoulders fall.
'Okay, okay.' I looked down at the expensive, black instrument and sighed again. 'Are you going to play it right now?'
'Yes.' he said apologetically. 'Forgive me, Olivia, but, I want to playing for a little while. I stop for lunch, yes?'
'Okay. Um,' I hesitated, 'can I dance along to your music, though? So we can be together?'
               My husband seemed delighted by this idea: his tired eyes widened and his dry lips pulled into a broad smile.
'Really, my love?'
'Really.'
'Yes, of course, dear lady! Yes! Oui oui! Come, dance for me, and I play for you. Quick, I hearing new music now! You inspire me!'
'Okay, okay!' I chuckled and slid my slippers off. Joshua had been crawling around by our feet, but sat on his bottom and watched me when I readied myself in the 5th ballet position. Lotan spent a moment looking at me with stars in his eyes before he shut them, cleared his throat, and began to play.

And thus an old sense of joy returned to the Dufont household. In fact, that shiny piano lifted Lotan's spirits so much over the next few days that when September came and I returned to ballet, he cut down his hours at work so he could take Joshua to and from nursery each morning and afternoon! I couldn't believe it! He suddenly became so much more relaxed - he still didn't eat or sleep much, but I assumed those luxuries would come in time.
               He spent most of his evenings in the ballet studio writing new songs for his orchestra, or practising his parts for the upcoming shows, and once I'd put our dinner in the oven Joshua and I joined him too, to dance. Lotan in turn joined us around the dinner table afterwards, even if he still couldn't stomach much food. Then we put Joshua to sleep together, and he played some more while I retired to bed early, exhausted from long days of dancing and parenting and worrying. Lotan joined me later on in the night, but made sure to be beside me in the morning when I woke up. It became our new routine.