ALL I EVER NEED | PANSY PARKINSON

CHAPTER 12 - SILENCE

ALEXANDRIA

Its been days since I last received a letter from my parents and it’s so unusual of them to do that. My mom was always insisting that she would check up on me every now and then because she worry about me all the time. She even tried to persuade dad to visit Hogwarts once a month but dad declined saying it’s time for my mom to lay low because I’m 19 for God’s sake.

I’m behind my year. I was supposed to be on the outside world, working my ass off or off to muggle world, studying a degree but here I was, still at Hogwarts for an education that I don’t even know matters.

I was stupid back then to think that I was ready to face the real world at the young age until it was too late to realize that I’m not.

At 15, I became an Author. Visiting every places I could go to for inspiration.

My books were so popular when it was released, up until today. At first I thought it was because of my name, that's why it sold out, but I know now that people actually like it.

But at 18 I became a lovesick fool and try to give everything to the person I love. Losing myself in the process.

With just a snap, everything that I was worked hard for, everything that I’ve build for myself, gone. For one simple reason that I’m not enough.

I was not enough for everybody.

I was not enough for my grandparents to like me.

I was not enough for her.

I tried my best to make them proud of me. I tried to be out of my parents wings and into the real world to prove that I’m a child that everybody could be proud of. I tried to please everyone.

But no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I’ve done, I couldn’t seem to be enough.

Yes it was true, that you can’t please everybody of what you can, of what you are. But I was a child back then. Even if I was smarter than my peers, I was still a child.

I tried to find comfort with a total stranger because she was lovely, she was everything I could ask for. Gentle and kind, humble and soft. But it was all just a front. Like my grandparents do to the public.

I was stupid to think that she would love me for what I am, for who I am, but I was wrong.

She made feel disgusted of my own skin that my parents worked hard for years. She was worst than my grandparents who performed every kind of hexes they could come up with to me when my parents were not looking and fixing me up after my body drained from every droplets of blood thinking that they’ll make me want to kill myself. And they were right.

I tried to kill myself several times but somehow my mother was always there to stop me.

Every hexes, every latch of palms on my face that they seemed to enjoy doing, I let them, thinking that I deserved it. Thinking that I deserved every malice they did to me.

And I here I am now, colder than I was before.

Seems to be disinterested with anything lately.

Like a walking dead.

Can’t find joy in eating, can’t find joy in taking classes, can’t find joy in walking under the sun.

Even in writing that I was so good at, I can’t seem to find joy to.

But somehow still surviving.

I wonder how.

Chang slapped my shoulder lightly to get my attention. She have this worried frown on her face that she seems to always wear when she’s around me. “Come on, it’s time for dinner.”

We ascended down the stairs from the Ravenclaw common room towards the Great Hall in pure silence. No one was talking, no one's making an effort to start a conversation and I like it.

Ana never force me to say anything when I felt like not talking. She never question me with anything that will me disturb my peace and for that, I was grateful but somehow feel guilty.

Friends suppose to have a conversation every now and then but I force her to be mute around me just because I don’t feel like emitting a sound. So I decided to, for my own peace of mind. “You don’t have to be my friend you know.”

Chang yelped, surprised and clutch on to her chest while sighing deeply making me chuckle raspily at her. “Fucking hell, don’t do that, dumbass.” She said, slapping my shoulder making me chuckle even more.

“I’m sorry but that was really gold.” I said amused.

Ana just shook her head as we continue walking. “Why did you say that?” she asked in an almost upset tone, referring to what I said earlier.

I shrugged painfully. “No one stays with me except for mom and dad.”

She abruptly stop walking making me do the same and glance at her now docking head. “You think I’m like everyone?” 

I always mess things up.

Regretting everything that I said, I bow my head as well and spoke in an almost shy tone, “I’m sorry.”

I felt a hand on my shoulder making me glance up, looking straight to Chang, “I told you, you don’t have to say anything for me to understand you and through your silence, I’ll gladly stay with you, because that’s what friends do.” She explained to me with her teary eyes.  “I’m sorry for what you went through. For the way people treated you. But I’m here now, as your friend that will stay with you, even if no one else want to.”

Tears flowing down as I contained a sob that was about to break out from me.

I never had a friend before.

The people in my life were limited to none as per my grandparents orders. They didn’t want to embarrass themselves if someone find out what I have, what I am and they somehow made every people that I want to be around with vanish.

That’s why I was enrolled in America with a separate bedroom from everybody.

I was the different one, the loner, the freak.

But I have a friend now. And thank God I found one.

With nothing else to say other than thank you, I just hugged her tight. I have never been good with words in terms with emotions that I was feeling. I felt her rub my back, soothing me.

We were about to let go from each other when another pair of arms wrapped around us making us glance towards that person to find Cedric wearing his soft smile.

He somehow understood my silence too.

He respected it.

He never question me as well.

Because through silence, you’ll understand if you have the heart and patience to.

And thank God I have two amazing friends that somehow understood me, when I have nothing to say and when I'm not willing to communicate.

And I’ll be damned if I let the old bats interfere again.