ALL I EVER NEED | PANSY PARKINSON

CHAPTER 14 - COWARD

It was a normal day.

Us three sitting under the tree near the black lake. Ana and Cedric fooling around like they usually do and myself reading a book while scattered group of students hanging around us as well.

I was supposed to relax myself after a tiring study session but here I was again reading a book like always. Ana always complain about it, saying "Yeah we're in Ravenclaw but we don't have to read every minute of everyday!" while me looking at her blankly to which will Cedric snort at.

We're an odd combination, truly. Cedric the enthusiastic, Ana the extrovert and I, the down right introvert. People either look at us like Saint or with raised eyebrows because surely, with odd duo and with the much odder mute, you can't help yourself to.

But we let those people think what they want to think. We don't really need others approval just to live our life and be with the people we want to be with, I realized that now.

"Lexa, isn't that kookie?" Cedric speak up, glancing above. I look at where his pointing to see kookie, zooming towards us. He's always been excited when it comes to delivering something for me. She landed on my shoulder, making her wings smacked my face and held her left foot enthusiastically.

Chuckling at her eager state, I untied the letter that was on left foot and pet her merely to which she purred at, jumping off my shoulder, she skip towards Ana for her much needed attention making her boyfriend let out a whine in jealousy.

Shaking my head in disbelief, I unroll the parchment to see a letter from my mother making my body stilled. Reading the top of the letter, my frowned deepened when I saw my name being written to it. My mother never use my name unless it was in serious and dangerous matter.

Dear Alexandria Vladimir,

First and foremost, I want to apologize for not writing you letters for weeks. I know it was unusual of us to do that darling but I was so ashamed of even writing to you.

I discovered what your grandparents have been doing to you through years and as a mother, as was so ashamed of myself. I was so devastated. I paraded myself as a good mother, as a good role model to you, but I let those veils ruin your life.

I'm so sorry darling. I didn't know. I didn't know what did you go through. It must be really tough battle for you and your mother didn't even know. Why didn't you tell me? Why darling? It breaks my heart to think that you were in pain and I'm not there for you. I love you so much darling, I'm really really sorry.

From the day you were born, i promised to protect you with everything in me and not a day passed that I didn't love you but I was so busy with things that didn't even matters and I didn't recognized your behavior of being abused.

I'm so lost darling, I don't know how you can still act like there was nothing wrong, like I didn't let you down. I'm so sorry, I'm not deserving of your forgiveness because even I can't forgive myself.

Sincerely,
Your mom.

Tears flowing down on my cheeks as I crumpled the letter with my left hand. My body was trembling through the anguish that I was feeling while rocking my body back and forth. I sobbed through the pain that I was feeling, that my mother was feeling.

I didn't mind everyone who saw the state I was in. All I can think of was the memories of them abusing me over and over when no one else was looking.

They made my life a living hell, but I love them still. I tried my best not to. I tried my best to hate them just as much, but no matter how much how I tried, there was still a part within me that believe they'll change, but through the years of their torture, I became numb. Numb with everything.