TO LOVE A MONSTER ❪ jujutsu kaisen ❫

xv: how to love a monster.

TOKYO JUJUTSU HIGH, NOVEMBER 2016

Yuuta roams the expanse of the campus that makes up the Tokyo Jujutsu High aimlessly, fingers clenching and unclenching by his side chaotically to match the thoughts racing through his mind. He does not know how he feels, only knowing that there is a burn of agony in his chest that feels like it will stay forever. It had only been a few weeks since he had accepted his growing feelings for the Fujiwara girl and now he found himself more distant from her than ever. Not by his choice but rather the choice of the situation. It was obvious that the adults did not trust Kaori, keeping her as far away as possible from the First Years, and she knew it for sure. She avoided Yuuta desperately, closing her eyes tightly and feigning sleep as if Yuuta did not know what she really looked like when she was asleep. Kaori really didn't give him enough credit. She did not know that Yuuta had tried to commit each and every aspect of her to his memory because he thought that there would be a day when they would have to part. Little did he know that day would come sooner than ever, and brought on by the hands of somebody else.

His nails dig into the palm of his flesh as he recalls how Kaori had looked when facing off with Fujiwara Tooru. How her back had gone ramrod straight when she heard his voice, eyes filling with fear at the thought of him harming Yuuta and the way she bit her bottom lip hard enough for it to split under her teeth when he forced her forward. 'A Cursed Seal is impossible to break, unless you're Kaori,' Gojo had said mysteriously when they had pestered him. The First Years had, at first, refused to believe that Kaori could hurt them but things started making more and more sense once they thought deeper. Kaori's distance from them, purposefully kept to make her mission as unpainful as possible. Her curiosity of friendships, her fear of elders ❪ how she always looked at Gojo so warily even though he was cheerful and kind ❫, her dislike of the rain. Things that seemed small and inconsequential but were pathways into her mentality.

He knows that what Kaori has done is wrong but he is not hurt by it. Well, that would be a lie. Yuuta is hurt by it. He wants to curl up into a ball and cry repeatedly into a blanket, but he wants to curse the world instead of Kaori. 'Why did you make us like this?' he wants to plead, wanting to shout until his voice is hoarse. 'Why are you so unfair?' because it is the world, the fates tugging on strings spun off their own thread wheel, that decided to introduce Kaori to Tooru, that decided to kill her brother and make her a monster by the time she met Yuuta. He knows he can never hate Kaori, not when he saw the anguish in her eyes when she thought a cut across his body came from her ❪ 'Was that me?' she had asked, voice trembling. 'No,' Yuuta had lied and watched relief unfurl on her face like the petals of a rose ❫. Perhaps Tooru too realized that Kaori had been tainted by the emotions and hearts of others. That is why he came to finish Yuuta off himself, why he had to activate a seal ❪ wizened and scarred ❫ that laid on Kaori's heart and make her his unwilling puppet.

The sound of clothes rusting alert him of a presence and he glances up, taking a double take when he sees Kaori climbing out of the infirmary window. Her face is concentrated but tired, dark circles lining her eyes and the loose gown she wears billows around her frame. She winces, obviously having pulled her stitches but grits her teeth as she clambers down a tree and lands neatly on her feet. Yuuta can not even voice his thoughts ❪ 'Kaori-chan?!', 'What are you doing? You'll get hurt!', 'Kaori-chan' ❫ before she sets off. He follows behind her, leaves crunching under his feet no matter how hard he tries to be quiet. Kaori's footsteps, however, are so light it's almost as if she's floating. The vacant expression in her eyes coupled with her messy white hair makes her look like she's a ghost, her bare feet stained with mud and leaves as she walks and walks and walks.

She comes to a stop in front of the Jujutsu garden. A traditional Japanese garden, fluffy green grass growing underfoot, bushes full of flowers surrounding a low lake. It's a rather deep lake with seats arranged to the side, a stream bubbling merrily as it drops down. Kaori stares at the water and Yuuta is about to speak up when she moves forward and throws herself into the lake. He can see her vivid hair disappear under the water, only see her sleeves before they too are submerged and he throws off his white jacket in favor of diving into the pool. It is so dark that he can barely see Kaori's body and panic floods him, overtaking his senses and nearly making him inhale to call for the girl. His eyes burn as he blinks them under the water and he cranes his neck backwards and forwards in desperate search for her. He's more than relieved when he finally spots strands of white hair, swimming forward to catch Kaori's motionless body. His fingers close around her wrist and he drags her upwards. His lungs burn when he inhales air and he coughs, body shivering as the cold breeze hits him. Despite the crave for warmth, he's more focused on Kaori's unmoving body as he lays her down on the ground. He leans over her, shaking her with his throat in his heart. "Kaori-chan," he calls and tears threaten to leave his eyes when she doesn't move. "Kaori-chan," he puts more force into his voice and can feel Rika stir at his multiple rush of emotions. "Kaori-chan," her eyes fly open and she shoots up.

Yuuta nearly cries with relief, patting Kaori's back as she chokes out all of the water that made its way down her air pipe. "Yuuta....?" she questions once she gets herself together, staring with red rimmed eyes at him. He can't hold himself back, rushing forward to capture her in his arms. His arms wrap around her, so tight and forceful that she is shocked into taking a jittery breath.

"Kaori-chan," he whispers into the shell of her ear. She is soaked and freezing, her skin emitting a chill and he drags her into his lap to warm her up.

"Yuuta-kun. Why did you save me?" the question is so absurd that he blinks and pulls back to look into her somber face. "You shouldn't have saved me,"

"Have you lost your mind?" he explodes. "Of course I'd save you! No matter what, I'll always save you,"

"You shouldn't," Kaori's eyes are fixed on the lake, wistful as if she wants to leap into it once again. "I'm a monster," she's echoing what she overheard in the confines of her consciousness. 'A monster,' Maki had choked out, her fist bleeding from where she had smashed it into the wall outside the infirmary. 'Fujiwara Kaori is a monster'. Yuuta's fingers dig into her waist and she glances at him, unnerved but intrigued by the expression on his face.

"So what?" if Kaori was a monster, then what did that make Yuuta? What did that make Yuuta who adored her? Kaori was a monster with her cold eyes, pale skin and the seamless way she killed Curses and humans alike, but wasn't Yuuta a monster as well? He had his own personal Curse, one that made him have a kill count that hung over him like a swirl of darkness. He was just as stained as Kaori. From the day he watched blood leak from Rika's corpse onto the smooth road crossing, he turned into a monster, one haunted by sharp teeth and a guttural growl. "Listen to me, Kaori-chan. You may be a monster but you're more human than you think. We all have a darkness inside it except your darkness was made by Fujiwara-san. You are not a monster if you have to become one to survive. You're important to me, Kaori-chan, and so I'll never let you die," he vows, voice determined and full of energy as if he is pouring magic into making a life binding promise. "As long as I can keep you safe, I'll continue to do so. I forgive you, Kaori-chan and I miss you. Please, come back to me," she stares up at him in shock, fingers twitching as they coil into the shirt as he lets out the true extent of his feeling. 'I miss you,' he pleads once again as he gazes deeply into her eyes, wanting nothing more than to keep the small girl in his arms forever and ever. Anything, as long as it would keep Kaori ❪ the first to try to protect him even when she did not know him, who patched up his injuries, tried her best to make them feel comfortable around her even though she did not know how to be normal and went as far as to kill her own mentor to keep him safe ❫ safe. "Please," he repeats and Kaori's bottom lip wobbles as her eyes fill with tears. Even when faced with the knowledge that she killed her mentor ❪ her hero, her trainer, a man like a God ❫, she had accepted it with pursed lips and shaking shoulders she tried to hide by coiling her blanket around them. When faced with Yuuta's honest feelings though, Kaori crumbles like fine sand. Tears slide down her pale cheeks and he hates that he has made her cry, hates Fujiwara Tooru for being a greedy man with no disregard for his mentee's nature, hates the Higher Ups for forcing a little girl to commit murder after murder until she could barely see her skin past all of the blood. Kaori buries her face in his chest, exhaling shakily as she tries to get as close to him as possible. Perhaps she too feels the insistent need to be with Yuuta until there is nothing separating them

"I'm sorry, Yuuta-kun," she whispers and Yuuta's hand shakes as he lifts it to stroke her hair. "I'm sorry. Please, forgive me," there is nothing but raw pain in Kaori's voice because she is painfully human despite the mindless drive to shed blood and cause chaos embedded in her. How can Yuuta do anything else but hold her close to his body, drop a kiss on her head and forgive her? How can he, when he has already committed himself to loving the monster that is Fujiwara Kaori? 

𓍯 ˓𓄹 ࣪˖ SAM'S NOTES! ❜

get yourself a boyfriend-but-not-boyfriend-just-a-'friend' like yuuta.