My Journal

⚠️9/4/2022⚠️

Hello, this is a vent. Of course there is a trigger warning.
⚠️TW⚠️ Suicide mention, sh, SA, grooming, anxiety

This is going to be very long sorry-

Okay, so I'm the middle child, and on here I'm chaotic but I'm also really nice to my friends online and irl.

    I have anger issues and I'm good at controlling them when at school bc there isn't much that makes me angry there. Now at home, I have my siblings, 3 of which can actually talk. My siblings are so annoying, of what I think, and with my anger that isn't a good mix.
    
       I'm someone that raises my voice a ton when mad. My siblings, they make me really angry, even if it's over something fairly small. And I also have a personality toward them where, I'm so called "rude" or "mean" and I'm like that to a few people at school too.

     When people that aren't my friends describe me I usually get, the words of like "smart-ass" or "rude" it really sucks. I laugh abt it and say shit like "Yea I am, go cry about it" which probably explains a little of it-

Anyway the main point of this is, I keep being told to just "be nicer" I don't know how to do that though. I have TRIED so damn hard to be nice to people. I have tried but I just can't.

     Over the years I built this reputation where I'm mean, rude, sarcastic, and tough. So with that I also built these walls around myself.    

    Walls that don't allow me to get rid of that dumbass reputation. I love being this person but I also hate it at times. Bc when I do something nice for someone, they think it's trick or I want something from them. Even tho I'm just trying to be nice. It sucks so much and I wish I could be different but honestly I just can't.

    Again with the walls thing, I think I've mentioned that I see crying as a form of showing weakness. Not for other people but for me only. Like anyone else can cry and that doesn't mean they're weak, but if I specifically start to cry, it's dumb and I'm weak for doing that.

    Another thing is at a young age I built those walls. And now I'm here and I am like breaking from it all. My walls are starting to slowly break down. You know what I'm gonna do? Build them up again.

    I have a thing like the crying where I think talking about emotions are dumb but I have so many that when I have to talk abt them, I break down in tears.

    I'm a young person, a younger teen yk? Ages 12-15 is my age range so I'm a middle schooler (school reveal ig) anyway, I have experienced a lot of shit for how young I am. I have been groomed by multiple people, i had a toxic ex, an ex that makes me uncomfortable when around me. I have a few other experiences too.

    I probably don't seem like a middle schooler by the way I talk and other stories I shared here. For where I am, I look like a high-schooler, maybe my older brothers age.

    These things that happened and myself, have forced me to grow up faster than I should have. I should still be enjoying life, hanging with friends, reading some graphic novels and chapter books that are fantasy or something. But no.

    I'm here I have anger issues, been in and out of depression, anxiety, insecurities, trauma. All of this fucking shit. Going on in my life. I have NO ONE! I know I have my online friends. But all of them are states or countries away.

   My friends irl know me with the rep I already have but with a bit of being nice because I am kinda nice to them. That reputation of being "tough, rude, mean." I'm not that.

   I can't make a new image for myself bc I really have tried a lot but I can't be nice to people. It isn't possible for me I don't know why but it just isn't. If I don't like something you did, I will argue about it, even if I'm wrong I will fight with you until you give up, and I have won. (Little toxic trait I have)

  This shit that happens has made me question my life. Sometimes I have wanted to write some suicide notes to my friends and some family, but I knew that if I went and jumped off a bridge, some of my friends would do the same. Which makes me want to stay. I have done some light sh on my wrist, not enough to scar but it has happened.

  I guess as a dumb way to cope with shit I'm chaos as a human being. I joke a ton, yell, and just do random dumb things. I also over sexualize myself because when I was younger it's one of the only things I had known. Being sexualized was part of my daily life. Not as much anymore but still is part of my life. That's why I have my boundaries of what I'm okay and not ok with being called. (I will tell you if you say something against my boundaries)

   This whole thing with my experiences and stuff has taken a huge toll on my life. A lot of stuff has but I'm really glad I have some friends to help me through it.

  I wanna help others through it too. So if you have something you would like to talk about I will gladly help you.

Some coping things is listening to music, finding a comfort person (streamer, friend, etc.) Hug something. Just go and hug something soft. A pillow, stuffed animal, blanket, maybe even a person you trust.
I hope that helps.

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Words: 1087
If you read through all of that thank you so much. You're amazing.

This took me like an hour to do because it's so long and I got a few distractions when writing. Like my older brother coming into my room.

It's actually my little brother Mason's b-day so Happy Birthday to him!!

Make sure to..
Drink Water!!
Eat Food!
And Don't over do it!
You're valid, we all are. No matter what or who you are. Okay?
Have an amazing day my friend :]

♤Devon♤ logging off...