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ADAIR CONNELLY
with billie falling into a deep depression from her brother's death, nothing went back to normal.
there was no bubbly billie.
I tried taking her places that made her happy.
the cafe.
the field of daisies I took her for our first date.
our small cottage-inn.
it wasn't the same, there was no big smile. all I got was a flatter of a smile that quickly dropped.
I was patient with her.
I showed her love.
it just wasn't enough.
billie was good at convincing people.
just.. I don't seem to fall under the category of people.
she has never fooled me.
she would take walks with her diary, where she specifically asked me to be alone.
my guess was the park where she sat and drew on her diary.
I respected her privacy, I never followed her or snooped.
I knew she would come around whenever she was ready.
or so I hoped.
she never did.
she left for a walk and called me on edge very last minute. no pun intended.
she was done and over it all.
I could tell you exactly what she said on that call, word for word.
but the words that stuck with me were, "I've never loved someone like I've loved you and I will continue to love you until the end of time. I just think this is it for me"
I never got to respond before the phone beeped and in panic I found her location but by the time I got there, I was too late.
it was then my turn to lose myself.
it was my turn to slip into that depression.
I had lost a dearly one and true to it.. nothing felt worthy enough to live for.
months later, i am still stuck in this whole.
"hi baby" I whisper out taking a seat besides billie's grave and place the single daisy on top, "I'm sorry it took me so long to come by" I mutter looking at her tombstone.
it's only my second time seeing it.
"I think I can finally look through this but it's something I want to do with you" I say holding her diary in hand, my fingertips play with the corner as I stare down at it.
"i just.. I've watched your mother grief from you and your brother and it's not something I want to put my mother through but billie, there is no life without you"
"I feel like I can't breath and this thing is just so heavy on my chest" I sniffle, "i get why you did what you did even though I still don't think it was fair how you left me"
"you didn't even kiss me or hug me. I never got to tell you how much I love you one last time"
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