Mission failed (Choi Seung-hyun fanfic)

~ Don't say I never did anything for you ~

Youngbae was sitting on the stairs and, just like I said, smoking his problems away. "Those will only kill you sooner." I said pretending to give a damn. He saw through me and smirked. "Better for you isn't it?" he said. I was just about to smirk but instead I let out a deep sigh, Seung-hyun was right, we can't go on hissing at each other like this. I approached him and sat next to him; taking the cigarette out of his mouth and throwing it away. "Hey!" he protested. "Don't say I never did anything for you." I said with a cheeky smile. I honestly thought he was going to swear at me or something but he started to laugh uncontrollably. I looked at him weirdly, not having the slightest idea what was so funny. When he finally stopped laughing he looked in the distance in thought. I kept quiet not wanting to say anything that'll ruin our first opportunity for reconciliation. "So what did he tell you?" he asked me after a few minutes of silence. "Who?" I asked confused looking at his profile. "Seung-hyun. What did he say? To make you forgive him for what he did." he asked me, obviously wanting to say the right things but not knowing what they were. I opened my mouth and closed them, realizing that I never actually had this talk with Seung-hyun. When it came to him, I just got over it once I realized he loves me enough to never do it again. That's when I realized what a bitch I was towards Youngbae, because I never even gave him a chance. But then again, he didn't really act like someone who wanted a chance for a new start. I looked back in front of me, knowing that I had nothing to say. He furrowed his eyebrows looking at my guilty expression. "Seriously? So you just got over it?" he asked surprised. "Well we never talked about it!" I defended myself. I knew how stupid I sounded, but when it came to Seung-hyun I loved him too much to bother about his past mistakes. All I wanted was a better future for him, with me. "Do you like it?" I asked. Maybe if I knew more about his views on his job I could find it within me to forgive him. "I hate it, but I've also got no choice. Once you're in that damned job there's no getting out. Unless in a sack. Why the hell do you think Seung-hyun's running? It's not only you he's trying to save." He said. I nodded, I knew that, I witnessed it myself the day we ran off together. I was also relieved knowing that Youngbae hated his job just like Seung-hyun did. "What did you mean by not everyone's fit to be a killer?" he asked suddenly. My body froze, I really didn't want to talk to him about that. But I realized that if I don't open up to him a little he'll also shut himself and we'll go back to hating each other. I opened my mouth wanting to tell him, but I didn't know where to start. He looked at me quietly, aware that I was struggling with words so he patiently waited for me to tell him my story. I took a deep breath before I finally spoke up. "You see, when Seung-hyun and I decided to flee my home things got complicated and in the end we had to literally run away. And anyway some hit-men were after us and one of them caught us. And he was about to kill Seung-hyun when I..." I stopped here, I didn't know how to say it. I just couldn't get those words out of me. I killed him, how do I say something like that so casually? I felt tears sting the corner of my eyes. I struggled with words but nothing came out. He cleared his throat and slowly put his hand on my back patting it gently. "It's ok, you don't have to say it. I understand." He said. I let out a deep sigh, grateful that he didn't make me say it out loud. I squeezed my eyes shut trying to refrain the tears I felt coming. "You know, I still remember the first person I killed like it was yesterday. I also had nightmares for months." He said. I looked at him surprised. "Really? You had nightmares?" I asked like I couldn't believe his words. He just didn't seem like someone who could feel guilty. He made a weary, sad smile. Like he knew what I was thinking. "You have no idea. I thought I was going out of my mind, I even tried suicide once." He said. I gasped, his words not only shocked me but also scared me. I gulped. "What happened?" I asked. "Seung-hyun found me in time, I was just about to pull the trigger when he burst in through the door and stopped me." he said. I looked in the distance thinking about all he just said, what if that happens to me? What if I fall so low that I can't find another way out other than suicide? I don't want to end up like that. "How...how did you...get better?" I asked in hope that he actually did get better and didn't just learn to live with it. "I met Rina." He replied simply. I looked at him, surprised once again. That's it? He fell in love? But I already am in love, and it's not helping me at all! Honestly I was a bit disappointed that he didn't have some kind of real, pill-like cure for it. But then again you can't cure something like that with a damn pill. I let out a sigh putting my head in my hands. "I'm sorry, I know this doesn't help." He said regretfully. I shook my head looking back at him. "It's not your fault, you have nothing to be sorry about." I said. I thought about Rina, I guess she was really something special to both of them. I remembered what Seung-hyun told me when we came to the motel. "I'm sorry I slapped you yesterday." I said. He smirked. "Seung-hyun told you, didn't he?" he asked. I knew that he was referring to Rina doing the same thing when they first met. I nodded. He shrugged. "Hey, you at least apologized." He laughed. I smiled to him. We sat like that for another couple of minutes before I realized his hand was still on my back and it started to feel a bit awkward. I moved an inch further from him and his hand fell down. "Shall we go in?" I asked after another awkward minute of silence. He didn't say anything, he just got up and offered me a hand to pull me up too. I accepted it with a smile and we went inside. Seung-hyun was on the bed, he fell asleep again. I couldn't blame him; every time I had a nightmare he'd come into my room and cradle me until I'd fall asleep again, and every time I'd wake up again I'd find him beside me completely awake, watching over me. Which only meant he slept even less than I did. I decided not to bother him, I went to the kitchen and Youngbae followed after me. "You should get some rest too, I'm not going to sleep again so there won't be any more screaming wake up calls." I said with a laugh. He laughed too and shook his head. "It's okay. I'm not that sleepy anyway." He replied. I nodded and sat on a chair. "Are you hungry?" he asked. I shrugged, I was a bit hungry but I knew there was no food in the fridge and we were in the middle of nowhere. I wasn't sure if we could get any food now. He smiled. "Yeah, me too. I'm going to go find us some food." He said. I nodded and watched him as he took his jacket and made his way outside. Realizing that I had nothing to do in this damn motel room, I grabbed my coat and quickly followed after him. As I got out I heard him getting into the car, I waived and told him to wait up. I quickly went back into the room and scribbled a note to Seung-hyun in case he wakes up. Then I ran outside and got into the car with Youngbae. "So where are we going?" I asked curious, noticing that he knew exactly where to go. "I asked at the reception if there are any take outs nearby, he told me of a diner about half an hour from here." He explained. I nodded and made myself comfortable in the seat. Ten minutes later the silence was so dense you could cut it with a butter knife. "Is there a radio in this car?" I asked nervously and started pressing random buttons on the dashboard. "Hey stop pressing everything so randomly!" Youngbae complained as if this was his car. I couldn't help but grin a little. "Can't you recognize a stereo in a car?" he asked and pressed a key on something that didn't look at all like a stereo, still the music filled the silence so I smiled satisfied. After the first song was over a familiar beat started to play. "I love this song!" I exclaimed and turned the volume up. "Lately I've been I've been losing sleep, dreaming about the things that we could be. But baby I've been I've been playing hard, sitting, no more counting dollars, yeah we'll be counting stars." I started to sing cheerfully the lyrics I knew so well. I saw with the corner of my eye that Youngbae was chuckling on my silly behaviour. Then all of a sudden, he started to sing along. "I see this life like a swinging vine, swing my heart across the line and my face is flashing signs, seek it out and you shall find..." I laughed half way through the lyrics, amused at how casual and calm he looked for the first time. In the person that was now sitting beside me and singing along with me there wasn't a trace of the previous killer. "You know One Republic?" I asked amused. He shrugged and kept singing so I just laughed again. I started to move my hands according to the melody. "Old but I'm not that old, young, but I'm not that bold. I don't think the world is sold, I'm just doing what we're told." I sang and he continued for me. "I feel something so right doing the wrong thing..." then we continued singing together. "I feel something so wrong doing the right thing. I could lie, could lie, could lie. Everything that kills me makes me feel alive..."