I Think He Knows

𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗳𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗿𝗮𝗴𝗼𝗻 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗿𝗮𝗴𝗼𝗻

A̸𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗿 D̸𝗮𝘃𝗶𝘀
𝟮𝟰
☾

A special moment was like carving something from glass, it was delicate and easily shattered which had been what I'd done. My mind slipping into the dark like the glass from a hand. Only my tears streamed down my cheeks, a mixture of the shower's water and the salty teardrops was my reminder of the moment I shared with Mason.

I was strapped onto a ride, the ups and downs scrambling my mind. All I wanted was to free myself from my own rollercoaster of emotions, I felt every emotion all at once every day, intense and harmful for my own sanity. Sometimes when I was at my lowest I'd think about metaphorically speaking unstrapping myself from the ride, crashing onto concrete instead of feeling the twists and turns forever.

I couldn't do that though and as I scrubbed myself with a washcloth I tried to think about something else. But it always led back to him and with thoughts of him were realizations I wasn't ready for.

His big blue eyes that looked slightly larger when his glasses were on, the way his hair curled over his forehead, and the way it fell back as he laughed about something I said. His sleek, perfect model-like features that everyone noticed but him, and the pouty plush lips and the way those very same lips made me feel treasured as they brushed over every inch of my skin.

He was like every little gay boy's imaginary boyfriend, well maybe not every but he was mine. All of my dreams wrapped up in one man that I couldn't have felt more blessed to know.

I always wanted someone the opposite of me, where I liked dark he liked light, when I was mean and testy most days he was the light shining upon me that showed me what it meant to smile and truly mean it. He was better than my imagination and yet I still couldn't bring myself to commit to him.

I was a coward but I didn't know my dreams would come true after I had already pushed down all feelings for everyone. It was too late for me, I had already lost all the worthy attributes I used to have and now I couldn't burden Mason with dating me.

I would just stress him out until he was done with me. What if I gave him a heart attack from raising his blood pressure too high?

What if I was the dragon all along? It was a warning not to kill Mason. I knew that was a ridiculous thought.

But then a horrible thought passed through my mind and I cried more. What if Mason dies before me? If we had become a couple and grown old together that meant Mason would grow older faster, then he might die and leave me here on Earth miserable because he was the sunshine to my moonlight.

Without the sun the moon wouldn't shine and I couldn't ever deal with that either. So unless I got lung cancer and died first, I'd probably end up killing myself after Mason passed away. Because there was no point in a moon if you couldn't see its glow in the darkness, right?

I knew that was scientifically wrong but it felt right.

So with all of my happy shower thoughts, it seemed as though every scenario involving Mason and I one love ended with everyone dead, depressed, or both really.

Once I had finally gained enough courage to step out of the hot streaming water, the chilly air conditioning made a shiver run up my spine as I quickly drive off. I glanced in the mirror as I patted the towel over my drenched hair, the water darkening the bright red.