I Think He Knows

𝐢 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮

𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐂𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐞
☀︎︎

My heart has hurt many times in my life, all of my school life, when Olive passed away forever leaving a hole that her presence in my life filled, when Charlie called off our engagement, and right now as I sat on my couch next to the man who could break my heart with one look of anger. I had never felt so insignificant in someone's life until he said those words, 'What good is having a boyfriend if he doesn't want to fuck me?' and although I'm so relieved he came back to me I couldn't help but think about if he hadn't.

What if Asher just left me permanently? Just the thought hurt and a part of me wished I had just given in even if it went against what I believed was best. I knew that Asher in his right mind would've agreed that I handled it well enough by saying no but Asher in any mind didn't realize just how awful I'd feel without him. He meant the world to me and sometimes I think he doesn't feel the same for me.

I always felt like a replacement for what people actually wanted, for Charlie I was his replacement for Willem not the same but still kind enough to keep if that made sense. What if I was Asher's temporary replacement for casual sex? That's how we started anyways, just another one-night stand for him.

He had started as a one-night stand for me too, I reminded myself because although just that night had made me realize I would like it to be more the first kiss had just been casual. I never would've thought as we walked through the parking lot scouring for what I would later find out to be his roommate's car that I would've fallen for my ex-fiancee's ex-boyfriend's messy hot artist fuckbuddy.

I fell harder for Asher than I even knew to be possible and it scared me.

He sat with his arms hugging around my bicep and his head on my shoulder, every few seconds he nuzzled closer to my neck his wild red strands brushing against the exposed skin where his baggy zip-up hoodie fell down my shoulder. Earlier after he had left me a mess in my living room I went to where he kept his clothes in my room and grabbed the soft black hoodie, not bothering to zip it up all of the ways. The size was much too big for Asher and I made it slip down often exposing collarbones and shoulders alike. I loved whenever Asher wore it because of that fact alone which had been why I decided on it in my wrecked and sobbing state of mind.

When he left the kitchen I had forgotten my glasses on the counter so the world was blurry from not only my dried tears but just my fucked up vision in general. So I started ahead at the black screen of my tv since it was plain and didn't strain me to focus on the blank screen as Asher gently pressed his lips against my bare shoulder.

We hadn't spoken much, neither of us knew what was the proper after argument protocol. I'd unknowingly have never been in a serious relationship despite my two-year-long time with Charlie. I remember wondering why we never argued and then I thought of the difference in emotions when thinking of Charlie and Asher. I didn't feel the need to argue with Charlie as I didn't love him the same way as with Asher. Which sounded awful of me unless you know how little he cared for me too.

I felt a bit sleepy from the two glasses of Whisky I had earlier too and my eyes fluttered but I forced them open. I couldn't fall asleep after our first actual fight.

I desperately wished I could just go and lie down though. Today was too much and every time Asher nuzzled closer or kissed my cheek I felt angry. I didn't like being mad at him but I was.

How could he just leave like that after what he had said? The more thought about that moment the more upset I was.

"I'm mad at you Asher," I said finally and he lifted his head starting at the side of my face as I watched the blank screen. "I'm not used to feeling like this, especially towards you but I am. Mad. At you."