I Think He Knows

𝗺𝗮𝘀𝘆/𝗺𝗮𝗰𝘆

A̸𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗿 D̸𝗮𝘃𝗶𝘀
𝟮𝟯
☽

It was like my brain had a charging system. I could go a while like I normally did, caring about this such as my hygiene or whether or not I left my room. It was like getting sucked into a black hole not knowing what was happening on the other side, and not caring either.

Sometimes I'd lay in my bed silent for hours on end, sometimes id put Netflix on my phone but I didn't really watch it. Music usually made me feel worse since all of the music I liked reminded me of my dad and just the thought of him hurts.

So here I was with tears in my eyes, I haven't showered since the day I saw Mason at the club which was a week and a half ago. It was in these moments id hope I could feel better, I was so vulnerable to all of my emotions that I buried when I felt okay. Bad thoughts crept into my mind and I tried so hard to push them back but it was hard when you felt like no one cared.

I knew people cared but my brain was telling me they didn't. If someone cared about me I wouldn't feel like this, this horrible sensation would go away.

Deep in my thoughts, my phone rang. It was Elliott's ringtone, he chose the song 'Give Yourself A Try' By The 1975. He said it was to remind me every time he called that he loved me and that I was amazing. He said he would call often to remind me so I would feel the same way about myself.

I almost didn't answer but it was Elliott. I always answered for him. So I picked up the phone and pressed the green button and closed my eyes.

"Asher?" Elliott greeted as if he wanted to make sure I was there.

"Yeah, El?" My voice was scratchy from barely speaking. The only time I talked was when I snuck out once a day for something to eat or if Jake and Thomas came in to check on me. They did at least four times a day.

"Are you okay?" Elliott wondered. I could hear his obvious concern much as he had probably heard my gloom through the phone. I liked to believe it was just a brother thing but I'm sure it was normal.

"I'm fine. How have you been?"

"You don't sound fine, what's wrong?" Elliott pushed and I sighed then hung up. The same song started to play once again as he called me back and I answered. "Ass. Answer my question before I smack you."

"You can't smack me. We are like ten hours away from each other," I chuckled but Elliott didn't find me amusing.

"You still haven't answered me."

"My brain is what's wrong. There. You happy?" I snapped with annoyance. He knew I had depression and for some reason, he still asked what was wrong as if I ever had a real reason for feeling horrible. There never was a single explanation. "I have fucking depression, Elliott."

It was quiet for a moment until Elliott softly spoke, "I'm sorry."

"No. I'm sorry I... I shouldn't have gotten so mad." This call had made me feel so much worse than before when normally Elliott's phone calls brightened up my mood. "El I think I'm gonna go. I'm just not feeling myself right now. Is that okay?"

"Yeah whatever you need... I love you, Asher."

"I love you too Elliott. Talk to you later."