Falling Apart

c h a p t e r s e v e n

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"I love golden retrievers. Best dogs alive" Luca says.

"No. German shepherds" Aubrey argues back.

"Don't even dare. Golden retrievers are a home itself-

"Nope"

"Yep"

"Guys shut up!" I yell aloud, making both of them jump and stop their conversation.

We're all sat on the couch, it's dark outside and the fire is on. Both of them have been having disagreements for the past god damn thirty minutes.

I myself have been slightly out of it. Trying my best to distract myself and think of something other than Elias, but I just can't.

He's all I have been capable of thinking about. The fact that we were arranged into a marriage, he changed me within a few days, and now he has just simply left.

Almost as if it was nothing. This is a big deal. I now have to become queen alone. I don't think I can do that.

As much I had hoped for someone like Luca to be the man I marry. Elias was most definitely the best choice. He is straight forward and independent.

He will know how to rule a country. I don't believe I can. Not alone at least.

So I am not scared that he left. That I was falling in love with him. That I really did want to marry him. I hated him. I don't ever want to get married to him. He's a horrible man, but that doesn't exactly mean there isn't any hope for him to get better.

I am scared because he left right before I become Queen of Italy. That means I have to take the throne alone and the responsibilities like ruining the god damn country.

I am scared I'll fail. That everyone will hate me. That I'll not do this country proud. I am only eighteen for gods sake.

The age gap between me and Elias is larger than I had ever imagined it would be. Four years? That's a lot of years.

But that age gap meant I had someone responsible and could handle the stress of becoming a new monarch.

I would feel relief for myself. But now that he is gone. I am alone in this.

"Mer. Are you ok-

"I can't do this" I blurt out, hands shaking. My anxiety kicking in.

I haven't had anxiety attacks in a long time, they usually appear when paparazzi appear or I don't hear from Mrs Ophelia or Aubrey in a while.

I have never once had it because of the throne. I've never had to worry about the throne.

"I can't be queen. There is no way I can do this alone. I'm only eighteen, Aubrey. I haven't even lived yet."

Concern and sympathy fill Aubrey's eyes. She notices my shaking hands, holding them tightly to comfort me and help me stop.

My legs are shaking as well, never once stopping.

"I can't... I can't do this alone, Aubrey" I say, panicked and quietly. A tear falling down my cheek.

"I can call Elias. See what he is doing. He might come to his senses-

"He won't though. Believe me, Luca. He really won't" I interrupt Luca.

Aubrey mouths to Luca, "call him" he nods and walks to the cabin phone, failing a number. Presumably Elias's.

I look into Aubrey's eyes, hurt for me in them.

"I believe in you, Mer. I know you can do this. I can help you, so can Mrs Ophelia... so can father"

I shake my head, squeezing my eyes shut and my head now facing my shaking legs. "I can't. I can't" I whisper to myself.

Aubrey strokes her hand in my back, attempting to comfort me when I hear Luca talking to someone in the kitchen.

Eavesdropping, I listen into his conversation.

"You need to come back, Elias. She needs you" a long pause goes by until Luca's voice grows louder and angrier.

"No, Elias! Grow up! You're twenty two. Be a man for crying out loud. She needs you. She is your wife to be"

Another long pause, "Don't even dare. My god, Elias. For once in your god damn life, care for someone. Have a heart and realise someone might actually need you!"

Then his conversation ends. I am not sure if what has been said. What I am presuming Elias has said. But I fear he didn't agree, that he hung up on Luca and is about to get on a plane back to England.

My heart drops at that thought. No. I can't... I can't do this alone. There is just no way.

"Breathe, Mer. Breathe" Aubrey gently whispers to me.

I do as she says, trying to breathe in and out. Panic of mine decreasing but still there. My hands and legs are still shaking, a few tears down my cheeks but I can breathe now.

I have the ability to breathe again.

I look up at Aubrey, concern written all over her face. "It's, ok" she whispers, "it's, ok"

I nod my head, hugging her tightly. I melt in her arms and comfort fills me. My legs beginning to ease, my hands still unsteady.

I pull away, looking at Luca as he takes his seat back on the couch. Sadness on his face.

"What did he say" my voice is weak. He doesn't answer me, so I repeat my words, only louder this time, "what did he say, Luca"

He breathes out, loudly, looking down at his intertwined fingers.

"He said he will think about it. I couldn't fight him about it anymore. He would have just said no from my apparent annoyance"

I shake my head, tears rolling down again. "No" I cry out.

"Mer. Mer" Aubrey says, bringing my attention back to her. "He never said no. There is still a chance. Just hope for the best, ok" she whispers, stroking my hands.

I nod my head, she's right. There is still a chance. I breathe in, then exhale.

"I think I just need some time alone. To... process that there may be a possibility I have to take the throne alone" I says. My voice low.

She nods her head in understanding. Usually people need comfort when having anxiety attacks. I need space. To be alone and to process.

Aubrey was the only one who understood that about me. And Mrs Ophelia of course, but nobody else.

And I hated that because I always felt as if they thought I was putting in an act, or they felt forced to comfort me.

I know Aubrey cares. She always has, and always will. But she never in her life has experienced an anxiety attack, so her understanding of it couldn't ever help.

She comforts me in the ways I need to be comforted, just to hold me. But I don't know... it's different when it's your sister.

So most of the time, she would make sure I am ok first, then leave me to handle them alone. I thank her for that understanding.

"Do you want to have the bedroom tonight? It's free" she gently asks. I shake my head no. I can't sleep in the room Elias slept in. It will hurt more.

She nods, standing up and motioning to Luca that they should leave. He hesitates at first, then realises that this is what I want. He stands up, following Aubrey out of the living room and to their rooms.

The lights are already off, meaning my only worse of light is the fire. I stare at it for a moment, the sounds of crackling relaxing my body, just as it did last night.

I lie my body down in the bed, wrapping the neatly folded blanket from last night around my body. Cuddling up into it and watching the fire.

I don't go to sleep. I think. I feel. I process. I relax.

I accept the chances of being queen alone. And the chances of Elias giving in and coming back to us.

But I can't get my hopes up. But I want to.