Don't Fall too Fast ✔️

Chapter twelve: A Letter For You.

Chapter twelve: A Letter For You.

You will never understand how much you love someone until they make you cry.

*

This is for you, Brandon. If you ever get the chance to read it:

Dear Brandon,

When I first found out that you still existed over the years, I wasn't sure if you would remember me. But you did. I didn't know how you really felt about me but, I knew how I felt about you. Well, I thought I knew. I knew you have moved on but, I have to tell you. I didn't know if you remember what you first said to me the second night we were talking, those words made my heart sink but, I didn't really know what they meant. I just wanted someone to love me because no one ever had. No one ever said sweet things to me and no one had ever made me feel wanted. I had so many flaws that no one would ever want me. Speaking over the internet was hard. If we ever met in person I didn't know how you would react. You might have started to dislike me because of my weight or my looks because the truth is, I didn't really know you. I knew you well enough to know what kind of guy you were, I thought we had something but, I was so stupid to think that. It was a short summer of amazing conversations, sweet text messages and really nice skype calls. I swear I messed things up because I was super nervous, I was dying inside and I liked that feeling. I didn't feel it very often so it was nice. I remember every detail, I remember how I was feeling at those moments and you made me so happy. I honestly didn't know what happened, one minute we were fine and the next, you grew cold on me and to this day, I still don't know why because I never had the guts to ask you. I was too afraid and whenever I think about you, I would brush it off. We were only friends, you never asked me out properly. You just said 'I think I love you.' And what does that really mean? As a friend? I never asked and that was one of the things I truly regretted. Do you remember when you asked me for advice about girls? Yeah, that hurt but I also couldn't wait for your text message because I was helping you to get the girl, even though that girl wasn't me. I think even after our Skype calls, you acted like nothing happened and yet I still helped you because that was just me. I was the type of girl who gave out relationship advice even though I had never had an actual relationship before. I thought I was in love with you and when you said those words, I went into tears because I was so happy that someone loved me back. I was always mucking up my words and my autocorrect seemed to hate me at that time but it didn't matter. I always wonder how you are doing, we don't talk anymore and it breaks my heart. You were my first guy friend and I felt lucky. After a couple of months, you soon got a girlfriend and she broke up with you on Valentine's Day. I felt lucky that you could talk to me about it even after the things we went through together. But to you, nothing ever happened and to me, everything happened. I helped you like none of it ever happened because I was too afraid to ask and I regret that now. I guess I was afraid to lose you as a friend. My heart was truly broken and this letter isn't to make you feel guilty, it's a letter that I will never send or never tell you about because we are done. I want to forgive you, even thought I don't know your reasons as to why you did that to me. You led me on, you took advantage of me and then you broke me. I can't and I won't talk to you anymore because it hurts. I cried every time I thought about you and how I didn't have you. I don't even think I had you in the first place. I had to promise myself that I would never cry a single tear over you again and I have kept my promise that 2015 was going to be a good year to start over from this. I would delete you from social media, I would delete our old messages and never look back. Not to be mean but, to move on and forget about the pain it caused me. Heck! I don't even know if you ever think about me. I was so stupid to think that we had something but, we never made it official and yet I went along with it and I didn't even ask you. I guess I was caught up in the moment. I have to admit that I did get jealous over you and a girl Snapchatting or whatever. I was even nice enough to like your Facebook relationship status. I would go on your profile and see how you were doing, only that made things worse for me. Then one day, I decided to stop and that was it. I actually moved on. Thank you for making me understand what love actually is and I hope you are happy with someone that you love and maybe we'll meet again when we are both happily married someday. I know what heartbreak feels like and at fifteen, I had no idea. Now I know to never fall for anything as quickly as I fell for you. We could be good friends and I have come to accept that I will never know why you let me go. Be happy, I don't know if my feelings for you will ever go away but I've accepted it. Brandon, I'm happy to say that I've finally let go and I hope you're happy.

I wish you good health and love.
- Amanda.

Ps. Here is the song I wrote about you, with the help of my best friend. It has no harmony or melody or chords because I was never good at that stuff. I could only write lyrics onto a page and that was that.

So, here it is. The very first song I wrote with the help of my best friend:

Written October 3rd, 2014.
Don't fall too fast:

Verse 1:
I remember it clear as day.
You came into my life and then you just walked away.
I'll never understand how it all came to me.
But, I'll always believe in you and me.

I know you've moved on and that you're happy now.
Wish I could say the same. But, I'm stuck somehow.
All of this pain was once happiness.
I never asked for this.

Chorus:
Never felt like this before.
You tripped me up,
Bits of my heart on the floor.
As fast as it had come, it had gone.
Don't fall too fast.

Verse 2:
We met eight years ago.
Next time we spoke, I fell, I didn't know.
Like love at first sight when you told me you loved me.
I got my hopes up; then you gave up.

You were perfect with your blue eyes and your amazing smile that got me every time.
I would've done so much,
I would've walked a mile.
My anger is gone, but I cry now and then.
I may never get you back again.

Chorus:
Never felt like this before.
You tripped me up,
Bits of my heart on the floor.
As fast as it had come, it had gone.
Don't fall too fast.

Bridge:
I thought you were the one,
But I was obviously wrong.
I'm breaking inside,
I wanted you for so long.

You were perfect.
But I guess I was wrong about you.

Chorus:
Never felt like this before.
You tripped me up,
Bits of my heart on the floor.
As fast as it had come, it had gone.
Don't fall too fast.

Don't fall too fast.