Wingless Crow (Suicidal Hinata)

Dead Inside

As soon as I  got home, I could hear my sister and my family being happily laughing together and spend a good time too. Here I was with a bleeding knee where the cut was quite something. I thought it was a skratch. I would have said it was one since I never wanted anyone to bother with something like that. I could endure it and it wasn't live threatening after all...

However I felt completly dead and dreaned. It was the pure fact that the coatch set me on the bench and the infrimary lady telling me, I wasn't allowed to play for a week. This was the worst for me. It felt as someone took the ground beneath my feet. What should I do now? I didn't know and coming back home seeing and finding them all happy together just made it worse. 

There was this thrubbing feeling I had in my chest. It really was annoying and it hurt soo much. I was alone and I knew it. No one ever cared for me. This was all I would get, a roof above my head and some food. I wasn't allowed to ask more. I had to be satisfied with what I had... I knew it but yet I couldn't help but wish for more. Was it soo wrong?

Me: *sigh*

I went up to my room and then locked myself in it. It felt cold here. There was no love, nothing. I knew they didn't wanted me and the more I felt alone, the more I remembered what they told me. 

'You are a failure! You can't do anything right!'

A tear escaped fell down my cheek as I went to my drawer. Yeah... I never did this up until now. I felt afraid of the pain but it was my only solution now that my joy of live and my only other solution was gone. What was I supposed to do.

My heavy heart was killing me.

It hurt soo much.

I was alone and without love or anyone to call my friend... in fact, I was the useless one. Maybe and only maybe it would have been better if I went away but where?

'Useless Bastard, I told you not to ask for anything!'

I closed my eyes and began counting. It helped me sometimes but... not this time.... I knew it...

This was why I went back to my bed with the small knife I had stored and hidden away safely. It was for these days and I hoped to never use it. 

Me: Hah... what a useless person I am.

A weak smile played on my face as my tears started to roll down over and over. I couldn't stop crying even if I wanted too. This was already to late.

1 .... 2.... 3.... 4.... 5.... ....10.... ....21.... .....42.... .....63.... 84.... 95.... 100

'Useless Idiot! I should have never give birth to you!'

'Why did you had to be a boy?! We should have put you to adoption'

'You can't do anything right!'

s-s-s-stop....

I was now completely crying, not able to hold my tears back! I remembered everything my parents said to me. As far as I remembered, I never asked for much at all. Still no matter what I did, I was always wrong. I did everything to get attention but it was uselles. No matter what I did, it was always wrong... I got always scolded, I got even slapped a couple of times too... I just wanted some love.... but I don't deserve any. I was unwanted and a mistake after all.

'Disgusting'

I didn't do anything wrong!

I just wanted to live...

I never wanted more....

I...

I am sorry.

I shouldn't have been born...

'Worthless'

'Stupid Idiot! Why can't you get this in your stubborn head!'

'Do it again! Look how pathetic this looks! You an imbecile or something?'

'Go to hell, Bastard'

'Do us all a favor and get out of here!'

Me: STOP ALREADY! I GET IT! I DON'T DESERVE TO BE HERE!

All of the sudden, it all stopped and I snapped back to my senses. It was only after I cut too deeply into my skin. Up until now, I didn't even feel the pain at all... all I felt is the loneliness and my throbbing heart. For the first time ever, I cut myself. All the cuts were deep and I lost a lot of blood. I felt sluggish and tired but I knew I had to get rid of the blood and tend to my wounds... I couldn't leave them be. All I could hope now was that these would heal till the camp started. I was a fast healer so it sounded possible. 

Stupid idiot....

Look what you did....

What a mess I have to clean up now...

After I cleaned up my mess, I went back to my bed and flopped, letting myself fall into the softness of it. At this point, I was sure. It took me a long time but I knew the answere... for a while now, I felt as if everything I did was useless. I just wanted to die...I wanted to die so desperately now. I was soo sure that it would be a sweet relieve to this lonely and heavy life I had. Now laying in my bed, I let myself drift into the darkness.

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