~ sad zone ~

~Sad zone rant 11~

Heyyyyyy don't mind this guys I typed this all out in my notes app suddenly and I dunno leaving it to rust in there seem shit so I decided I'd put it here. You don't need to read it especially if your not feeling well or if you overthinking stuff aswell please just do yourself a favor and ignore this I just wanna get this out of my head honestly.

[Rant begins now]

Self love Has alsways been confusing for me. A lot of the time it feels like each year I find multiple new things to hate about myself as I find one to love about myself. Despite me saying that I find more hatred in myself than love I still have worry that I am too proud and need to be humbled. I'm a kid but it feels like I focus on important topics more than adults and saying that to myself makes me feel like a narcissist.

I've always felt like a narcissist. It's always been a fear of mine that I would end up a horrible person and be selfish.

I've always dreamed of helping people and making a difference as I keep seeing more shit messed up in the world but how could I ever help if I was too focused on myself all the time. At the same time I need to care for my own well being or I wouldn't be able to help at all.

I wish I didn't feel like I constantly needed to make sure I was humble. I'm a kid so why do I need to feel bad for everyone.
Why should I be happy for myself anymore when it feels like I'm not good enough?

Why do I even want to help people when majority of the people I've met don't think about me. Maybe they do care and just don't know how to express it. Maybe that's me. Am I just overthinking it all?

I'm tired of thinking it's all I do it feels like I think more than take action but I can never get my brain to slow the fuck down. I just wanna feel good about myself for once cause looking back even when I say I'm proud of myself it feels like a lie.

I don't think I love myself. I'm always just worrying that I'm horrible. Worrying does more harm than good at this point and all people ask in response when I tell them I'm worried I'm a bad person if I don't constantly humble myself is why.

How the fuck do I answer that? Does answering that even matter anymore? Doesn't feel like it does I mean those conversations aren't happening right now.

They're just questions my therapist asked me before my mom suddenly told me I wouldn't get therapy anymore I didn't even talk to the therapist more than two times.

Therapy doesn't help everyone but at this point it's been the only thing I could grasp onto for hope for a long time. I can't talk to people cause I end up lying on how I really feel or my mind just goes blank and I don't know how I feel. It's ridiculous how talking to one person makes you forget how much chaos has happened in your head.

It's frustrating when my mind goes blank after months and years of me overthinking the same topic I forgot all about cause someone asked me about it. I can't even trust if what I'm typing as I think about it is fucking right or not. It feels like I'm a fake. It feels like I'm constantly hiding something but all I can do is ramble my mouth on and on.

I feel like the most frustrating part about all of this is how insane I feel. Doesn't help when someone told you that you would be considered crazy in Texas.

Maybe I am just crazy and maybe people should just avoid me. I don't know I just want my brain to stop for once. I just wanna live my life.

Even stuff like meditation feels like it might fail cause whenever I try to stop and listen to the stuff around me I think of the worst.

Maybe that's my issue just thinking maybe I'd be better off as a jellyfish.

Another thing is I can't tell if I tell people things enough or if I'm over doing it cause I feel like a burden to most friends cause they're kids like me but I can't go to adults they make me feel worse. That's probably another reason I want a therapist.

I have a headache from thinking about all of this.

That is all I typed in like a matter of minutes- my brain needs to like slow the hell down goodness.

I feel like a lying rat tbh but I promise I try to be honest whenever I lie or say something that's off from the truth 99% of the time it is an accident which feels dumb to say.- just remember to drink water, eat a lil cotton candy, and NEVER shut them eyes to sleep cause sleep is propaganda made by the government✨ man it feels like forever since I've said that-