~ sad zone ~

~sad zone rant 6~

very very mad annoyed stressed rant

[rant begins now]

so basically I want to do my homework right? and my mom wants me and my brother to do the dishes right? and I say "no I got hw" and then my brother out of spite decides to argue with me and not do the dishes cause of that.

Now this was actually a long time ago and I didn't post this rant I was gonna do cause I was worried it was pointless but right now

I'm making another rant in what was supposed to be a rant about my brother.

I could continue yelling about my brother but I'm more upset about something else right now.

Why is it that when your upset people will hug you without permission? And why is it that when I set clear boundaries with people to you know not touch my stuff without permission

They immediately break it

DESPITE ME TELLING THEM, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN they STILLL forget to not touch my stuff without permission.

Now some friends are fine with the stuff rule.

They aren't good at the DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME WHEN I TELL YOU NOT TO RULE

BECAUSE WHENEVER I WANNA CRY, IF ITS AROUND MY FAMILY, FRIENDS, ANYONE. SOMEONE. SOMEONE WANTS TO HUG ME EVEN WHEN I TELL THEM NO.

Here's an example

In New York I was very upset. I cried cause you know my feet hurt so fucking much and I'm weak and can barely walk without a limp cause of my ankle and my mom makes us walk 11 miles! Now this was the first day and I kept it in till the last few hours. So of course I'm a burden that my mother and brother think they have to comfort. So they try hugging me. I tell them to stop.

They don't.

My brother pulls me into a hug and I have to YELL AT HIM for his dumb ass to stop.

I don't have a great history with people touching me or something of mine without permission. I don't think most people do.

Dude when I was younger I was so grateful that stuff like this never happened to me. Then I grew up. AND THAT SHIT HAPPENED TO ME.

I used to love my family and be more grateful than ever that I had them. Now my family does nothing but piss me off and remind me that I'm disgusting and dumb and can do so much better even though I have no fucking idea how

The whole reason I made this book is cause I'm scared of bothering people with my issues and trauma.

I've only talked about my trauma once and guess what they did?

They compared it to a slightly different situation and said "well at least it wasn't that" which made me feel horrible and then guess what? THAT HAPPENED TO ME. THE SITUATION THAT WAS WORSE HAPPENED.

And now all I can do is think "wow I'm really disgusting" when I look at myself in the mirror.

Then my family says stuff like "your so pretty but your smile is ehhh" or whatever the fuck and more shit like "Sam you need to take care of yourself, I'm a guy and I can assure you, a man wants a women that can take care of herself so she can take care of him" like-

IM NOT EXISTING TO SERVE YOUR ASS YOU WHITE PRIVILEGED FUCK

I don't care if we have Hispanic blood in us guess what we were born in America and guess what

WE'RE TECHNICALLY WHITE PEOPLE YOU DUMB ASS

Then when I wanna support Black Lives Matter they fucking get on me for it.

And then when Cuba had some shit going on I had no fucking idea about- THEY GO TO ME AND GO "Where are the black people? Why aren't they helping us?" LIKE?

Look I firmly believe that no matter who is in need and no matter who is or isn't helping. You should help.

But I had no fucking idea this was happening so like- What do they want from me!?

Then when I'm having trouble keeping my retainers on my fucking god mother threatens me that she would cut me out her life if I don't have my teeth straight by my 15th birthday

I fucking love my family. But that's just the fucking worst way she could've dealt with it and I just want to scream.

Then my friends are just dumb when it comes to boundaries. I really try not to yell at friends. Especially since I actually scared one of them.

So when I told my friend not to hug me and they still did I was definitely mad but I didn't yell.

I'm just tired of people not understanding but I hate having to talk about this. I hate talking about my trauma because how the fuck am I even supposed to talk about it?

Then when I tell someone I don't trust them they get defensive and react horribly and make me trust them even less

Dude I'm just tired

I'm ending it here cause I don't wanna have you read a thousand words of me complaining.

Drink water, eat something please, and sleep is propaganda so people can try touching your hair even when you made it clear you don't like that