You're Joking Right?

Back to 'Normal'

So life was pretty much the same excluding the feeling of impending doom. I realized I had yet to talk to Xandra and really figure out what's going on. Before I do that I have to actually come to that conclusion myself so I have something to tell her. Deep down I know what it is and I'm just trying to convince myself otherwise. The truth is... I love them both and I know I can't have them both but gosh do I wish I could. I have no choice but to choose and it sucks because I've already made my choice.

You know how you understand what's best for you but you still aren't sure about what you should do? That's where I'm at and the only thing I'm sure about is that I don't want to hurt either of them. In the end everyone isn't going to be happy and I know that's life and I should come to terms with it. Yet why do I feel so... guilty? "Honey?" Delia says interrupting me from my thoughts, "yes star" I reply looking at her. "You ok?" She asks sitting down next to me on the sofa in the living room. "Eh could be better but I'll be fine" I reassure her.

"I think I need to talk to Xandra now" I say and she nods understandingly. "Just come find me when you're back" she says, I give her a kiss on the cheek and transmutate. I end up outside the house and I sit on the doorstep for a moment to gather my thoughts. I need a script of what to say to her or else I'll just end up stuttering and won't get my ideas out. "What are you doing here?" She asks surprised, I didn't even hear the damn door open. "Just thinking" I reply, it's not a complete lie. "You couldn't do that at the coven?" She ask skeptically as she sits down next to me.

"I came to talk to you" I admit and she purses her lips before nodding. "I really want to apologize for what I said. I think I was- well not trying to convince myself but just... I don't even know. I was sitting here trying to come up with an explanation before I knocked. Honestly I'm just so conflicted and I don't know what to do. I know what the 'right' decision is but I can't feeling like I'm always making a mistake. Don't get me wrong I adore Delia, I just got really attached to you ya know? I saw a future with you and I was willing to tell you everything..." I say.

"Well now you get to do all that with Delia" she said with a sad tone yet had a smile on her face. "I just don't want anyone to be hurt and I feel like the only way to accomplish that is to just be by myself. If I'm with her I'm hurting you and if I'm with you I'm hurting her. I just can't decide. I don't regret being with you and I don't regret being with Delia. It's all just so complicated and every time I think about it I wanna cry. I just hate that- that I feel so helpless. I always pour my heart out and get it broken and it's torture. But this... I wish I would've just got my heart broken at least I know how to deal with that" I chuckle sadly.

"I hear you. I understand, believe me when I tell you I really get it. I love that Delia's happy but it hurts to see you together. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad I'm saying it because I want you to know you're not alone. Life is shitty darling. Sometimes more than others and it sucks balls. Only you know what's right for you and I'll be happy for you and support you no matter what. Just know that the pain will go away, or at least get easier to manage. You carry the weight of your decisions and actions and over time you get stronger. I want you to be happy whether it's with Delia or with whoever" she says rubbing my back.

I can't hold it back, I just sob and she pulls me into her arms rocking me back and forth. "It's ok baby, let it out" she whispers as she strokes my hair. "I'm just so confused. I only feel comfortable being this vulnerable with you because I feel like you just... know. I love Delia's joy and good energy but sometimes that's not what I need. I don't need someone to try and cheer me up all the time. Sometimes I just need to cry and- fuck why is this so hard?" I say after calming down and pulling away. I bury my face in my hands and rest my elbows on my knees.

"We'll figure this out ok? You don't have to do this alone, I know you're used to that but I won't let you. Being independent is great but you need people to help you carry burdens. Some things you can't do all on your own, not without driving yourself crazy. Believe I'm speaking from experience. I had to do it alone and I won't let you go through the same thing" she says putting her hand on top of mine. "See... you just know what to say all the time. Please come back to the academy, I need you" I beg. "I can't get in the way. Seeing my face everyday isn't going to help" she says.

"Seeing your face everyday is the only thing that's going to get me through it" I reason. "Have you talked to Delia about this?" She asks uncertainly, "I told her I was coming here so if you show up with me it wouldn't be weird" I explain. She sighs thinking about my proposition. "If it will really help you I'll do it" she says smiling a little. "It would mean the world to me... you know I think I've found your nickname. You're my moon, you light up the sky on my darkest nights. Delia is my North Star guiding me through the night telling me where to go. But you light up the path I have to follow" I say.

She looks at me with tears in her eyes and I put my hands on her cheeks wiping them as they fall. "That's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me" she whimpers. "I mean every word. You know they say you never really stop loving people you truly fall in love with. The problem isn't that I don't want to choose. It's that I CAN'T choose. I'm so deeply, irrevocably in love with you and Delia is in love with me. I just don't know how to fall in love with her when my first instinct is that you're all I need" I say. "I have no idea what to tell you" she says looking into my eyes.

"I've stumped the stumpless woman. Is stumpless a word? Definitely not but I'm adding it to my personal dictionary" I giggle and so does she. "I think we should sit down and talk it out, the 3 of us. I'm better with logic and rationalization and Delia is more in tune with emotions. I think we need both to come to a decision that's best for everyone" she states. "I agree. Now pack your shit woman you're coming with me" I say holding a finger gun to her chest. "You got it officer y/l/n" she says putting her hands up and acting scared. "That's kinda hot... cops and robbers is definitely better for adults" I joke.

So here we are. Me and Xandra walking into the coven together. We decided to let her settle in and let Cordelia adjust the schedule to give Xandra something to do. Once things are running smoothly, we'll propose the talk. Hopefully by that time my nerves aren't firing at a trillion miles an hour.